new thread
Ahhh, I'm not usually the hyperboard kind of guy. I did respond to Mike C.'s propecia question and I guess that got me started.
Well, guys, I need your support and your advice.
I am a 35, soon to be 36 year old guy. I have never had more than "to my ear" length hair. I have always wanted longer hair, but peer and family pressure kept me submissive.
Over the past few years, I have been experiencing severe back pain - believe me - I have learned where my alliances are - and they are with me, myself and I. Screw the peer and family pressure.
I wish that I had learned sooner.
Anyhow, surgery in the next month or so is promising to fix my back problem. I have been out of work since February 10, 1998. This was the day of my last haircut. I mean MY LAST.
I have made this decision based upon four facts: 1) I have ALWAYS wanted long hair. 2) I think that guys (if, as I guy, I can make this determination) look GREAT with long hair. 3) If I am to have long hair, I want it BEFORE it really begins to fall out, and 4) Before it turns grey (my beard has already started to do this.) - No offense to anyone currently in these categories.... -
OK, support and advice.
Let's start with my need for support.
I know, that ANY DAY, my MOTHER is going to say something about my hair. Thank God that she is still with me, but I know the inevitable is coming. When she asks, I plan to refer her to: www.lib.uchicago.edu/~rd13/hd/long.html - Think it will work? Any suggestions on handling Mom??
Also, since I have been out of work, a few "work friends" have stopped by. Every one has mentioned my hair. I think I am doing OK in telling them that I have no desire to EVER cut it again. However, my boss stopped by yesterday, SHE asked if I will cut it before I return to work. I told her "no". Thankfully, she pointed out that ponytails are acceptable, but that I cannot leave my hair loose as a male. Well, I object, but this is do-able.
Any suggestions on handling my co-workers and boss?
Ok, then, advice...
I have VERY FINE hair. I have always had VERY FINE hair. I appear to be losing a little at the crown, but not much and not frequently (see my propecia responce to Mike C.). My hair breaks easily and I have to be VERY, VERY gentle when washing it. When I was younger, my hair was very oily. I have recently noticed that the back of my hair seems "normal" (whatever that is) but the sides feel dry to me.
The ends of my hair right now, in this awkward phase, are curling - A LOT. I have been blow-drying to make it straighter, but by days end, it is curling again. The sides get the bozo look, the back gets like Carol Brady. (Oh, God, a reference to the Brady Bunch... Pathetic!!) If I do not blow-dry, it is REALLY CURLY, almost half way up. (Shoulder to crown) "I" like it that way, but my friends and family have a "girl" complex when they see it that way. (maybe this fits into support :) ) Either way, the curly phase, which I like, diminishes from the length that I wish to see... Personal problem?? (he he)
Anyhow, with VERY FINE and EASILY breakable hair - WHAT SHOULD I DO??
Shampoo, conditioner recommendations?? Drying recommendations?? Not "washing at all" recommendations?? Go "with the flow" recommendations?? Please help.
I am currently shampooing with Helen Curtis' Thermasilk for normal hair, conditioning with Thermasilk for Normal hair and using Thermasilk for normal hair, leave in conditioner. I will use anything that can be suggested, price is actually and thankfully no object. :)
Any help that any of you may provide will be welcomed. The only thing that I can see that I have going for me is the desire to "do it" and the fact that I don't now, or ever can remember having a case of split ends!!
Thank you all in advance for your advice and support. I guess I am now "officially" a hyperboard kind of guy. AND, a long hair guy.
Thank you, Victor, for the opportunity.
DB
Whoo boy! MAN, what a perdicament (no typo)!
Doubtfull.
Just tell her what you think of her opinion (in the most polite manner possible, of course). Defending one's self expression by referring someone who objects to your appearance to a source of artistic proof that your appearance isn't necessarily a bad thing does nothing but undermine your ability to tell the person you're confident enough in your persuit of happiness without the aid of an outside reference. I know this from experience. Just decide for yourself why you want long hair, and use that for your defense. If they don't like it, or don't think it's a reasonable defense, that's their problem. Remember, they aren't the ones living with your hair (unless you're still living with her, at which point she pretty much gets to call the shots. In my case, my dad aided me in my defense and mom didn't have a lot of push after a few chats with him. She just (pretended) to accept it, and still does).
I've always believed that real friends don't care one whit how you look. They may chide you about it, but that's fine if you can laugh with them. If they threaten to part company with you if you don't cut it, then you have some thinking to do. If they start ripping you about it, just tell them it's a choice you've made. They may not like it or choose not to understand it, but tell them you would like for them to have enough respect for you as a co-worker to not hassle you about it. Be very calm, polite, and friendly when you ask this. Play it low-key, and don't sound defensive. Most people will respect a request made like that.
It sounds like you hair's reached the point where it's started "rebelling" against your decision to grow it. This happened to me, too (and my hair's thick). I came up with a workable solution, but it earned me the nickname "helmet head" from friends until I'd decided it was long enough to behave again: wet your hair down a lot, brush it straight back, then LOAD it with hair spray. Your hair will feel like straw, but it WORKS. I did this for almost two years, then stopped, and haven't had to do it again since.
Be careful. That's the best, most honest advice I can give you. Without knowing enough about hair care products, I can't tell you what else to do with any certainty that my suggestions will work. Just look around, do some research, experiment, and find something that'll work for you. Just remember: what works for some people doesn't work for everyone.
That said, good luck, and may you be happily successful in attaining your goal! :)
All;
Thank you all very much for your words of encouragement and advice!! Believe me, I have taken it all in and actually formulating solutions from it.
Nyghtfall, Bill, John and Nick;
The "Mom situation" -- RESOLVED. Yesterday, I did not have physical therapy, or any doctor appointments. On these days, I typically wash my hair and condition, but do not use leave in conditioner or blow dry. I was trying to save my hair from as much blow-drying as possible (more on that later). When I do this, my hair is really "freely rebellious", kind of sticking out all over and just doing it's thing. These are also the days when I usually hang out in my yard wearing some old cut off shorts and just kind of resting my ailing back. To paint a better picture for you, my best friend teases me by calling me "nature boy." Anyhow, Mom stopped by. There was absolutely no missing the fact that something was definitely up with my hair. I could see the "well, should I say something" look in her eyes. About halfway through her visit, she starts to cry - Oh, boy - I thought "here it comes." What was she crying about? Her new husband of 3 years has been insisting that she grow her hair out, which she doesn't want to do. Wow, this turned the table to my benefit!! She was crying because she was envious that I had the guts to do something that she could not find it in herself to do - opposite goal, but common ground. We had a great talk and I hope that she now has the ability to stand up for herself. There was also another possible benefit to the visit. I found out that my 66 year old (she'll kill me) mother has never had any gray in her hair, nor had my father. I hope it holds true :) And Hey, Nyghtfall - God FORBID, I do not live with Mom - whoa dude, it took me to days to get over that imagery!! ;-)
Bill and Dawn;
You have both helped me find a solution for my wild hair phase. I know that the blow-drying is BAD. When my hair was short, I would never blow dry. I had only been doing it now to avoid the "nature boy" look when going to physical therapy or the doctors office. Well, thanks to the two of you, I tried something new today. Lukewarm water, followed by conditioner, no blow-drying. A masterpiece. The natural oil seems to have calmed down the curling and wildness, the hair feel much more natural and is WAY easier to control. I was also concerned about the silicones in the thermasilk, I was actually only responding to the marketing ploy which promised protection from the blow-dryer that I didn't want to use. I am looking into some of Dawn's products as well as other naturals. The only caveat here? My hair took forever to dry (actually longer than when I shampoo!?) - I can get over that one - good time to do my e-mail and web stuff. In a few more months I will even have time to do some idle surfing.
Nyghtfall;
Helmet Head I have done!! After the blow-drying, that was step four. I hated to use it. Common sense has always told me that anything which dries to a shell, must be drying out my hair. Between yourself and the others, it looks like the lukewarm water solution will end my helmet head days!
Bill;
I had actually already been a visitor to your site - nice job and informative - thanks.
Thank you everyone. Hey, if I drop out of sight in the near future, I have finally found a back surgeon who I think will rid me of this annoying "pain in my a**" (literally). I am currently making the arrangements. Keep those cards and letters coming. It's nice to know that there are nice and supportive people out there.
Being faced with the possibility of living my life in a wheelchair (hopefully the surgery will erase that possibility) has made me take a really good look at life. My decision to grow my hair out is a direct result. I have to do what I want to do, those who don't like it, well..... ;-) I have also been experimenting with the "gee, I have always wanted to be bearded" thing too. I have promised myself that when I attain my goal with my hair, my left ear will "suffer" a piercing - another "I always wanted."
On another note, there is another board that I have been following for a while, many of you may know about it. The Beard and Moustache Discussion Board at: www.sys.uea.ac.uk/~dmh/beard_board/ is another great support and advice source. Recently the host of that board notified the members that the board will need to be shut down as he is leaving university and pursuing a career. Our host, Victor, has expressed an interest in being the new host. I whole heartedly support him. If you have visited the other board, you might enjoy it and offer support to Victor. Well, that's MY 2¢ worth (John, do you get taxes on that?)
Take care,
DB
You've come to the right place, Don.
That day did not come for me until I was 49, and it was the pressure you talked about that kept me from asserting my identity, but now that I have asserted it, like you I will never go back. You are lucky to be making moves earlier in your life than I did. You will have more years of your life to be longhaired!
Well, I'm getting gray now, but how you feel is okay. (((grin))) I understand. I wish I had had my long hair before it began to gray so I could have, in different decades, enjoyed having it both ways! And though my hair is not falling out, it is thinner on top and at the crown than in other places, with hair in those two places growing less long. I wonder what my final terminal length will be for my hair overall, and I also wonder if it wouldn't have been longer when I was younger. I cry for the years I lost, when perhaps I could have had dark, longer hair. And I will never forgive those whose oppression robbed me of those years.
Maybe mentioning the situation that you have always wanted long hair, and that other longhairs who have felt that way say the feeling never goes away and that they are not truly happy with themselves until they actually grow long hair, will help. Maybe like many mothers she will want you to be happy, and if you let her know you must be longhaired to be happy, she will accept you that way.
It has been said on this board more than once: Agree to negotiate style but never length. Styles can be dissembled when you walk out the door at five o'clock. Length changes can disfigure you for years. So your approach to go with the pony tail, if that look is acceptable as you say, is a good one.
Man, I've been that route too. Curly hair seems to take forever to grow, because for every inch of length, it must in spiralling down grow two or three. But the straight-haired guys all pine for the bulk and texture of our hair while we pine for the rapid length and neatness of theirs. So just be happy you have hair, dude, and celebrate it!
As to the "fine and breakable" situation, tread as lightly on your hair as you can. Shampooing less often, using less shampoo, or not at all (using just cool water), and limiting any other chemicals to the bare minimum you can, will help extend the life of your hair strands. I also mention this in the web page I referenced above.
Well, everyone's hair is different, and that is why so many products are on the market. The silk treatments made my hair feel silky, for sure, but it didn't feel like hair. Worse, it tended to not pull free when tangled but rather locked up, and I had to break lots of tangles out. To me the best sign of healthy hair is that one can get the tangles out without breakage. For that to happen the hair must be strong, and lubricated, too. The silk made my hair dry, not lubricated. To date I've found that nothing beats hair free of all chemicals but natural scalp oil, when it comes to having strong strands that slip free.
Hey, the hyperboard is just a machine, like the telephone is. What matters is the people you reach on the machine. And guy, this is the best machine on earth you can use to reach out to other sympathetic, understanding male longhairs. So you belong here! Glad you've decided to drop in.
You can say that for a few hundred of us, at least!
Bill
it sounds like at least your boss is willing to bend a little.... i guess i'm lucky in that respect; neither job gives me any crap, though i keep it tied & inside my shirt for the full-time (safety issue).
if your hair breaks easily, be extra careful when brushing it and do so before you shower, as it's more easily damaged wet. excess shampoo strips hair of its natural oils- better to shower in lukewarm water and no shampoo. dyes & chemicals are evil; accept and appreciate the distinctive effect graying will have.
flak from friends & family? call it a test of your character. if they insist on being put off by your hair length then that's their problem. ya gotta be patient with your family, but if 'friends' are going to turn their back on you because you're growing your hair out- their not really your friends.
well, that's my 2¢ worth (before taxes)
Ok, since I've been a real interloper today I'm going to stick my nose in here too. Don, not all hair care products are evil, but you're not doing the best for your hair with the ones you're using. Thermasilk is rife with silicones which are ingredients that coat the hair and may make it feel good for a while, but which seal out the moisture your hair needs and eventually make it feel even drier not healthier. They mask any damage to the hair and I wouldn't use them if you gave me the shampoo. Stop blow drying. If your hair is that brittle its because of external damage and internal weakness. Take a good hair vitamin or just supplement your diet with A,E,C,B complex, folic acid, kelp, seaweed, wheat germ or other antioxidants. Use a good shampoo with no dyes, no silicones, as little alcohols as possible and all natural herbal ingredients. Try Ouidad, Aveda, Artec, Nature's Gate, even Citre Shine and ALWAYS condition after shampooing. Wash the top of your head with shampoo and let it run down to clean the ends, then just condition the ends of your hair. (I do about to my ears, but my boys do all the way up because, well, they can really trash their hair!) Did I mention quit with the blowdryer?! I have a husband with super ringlet curly hair, a kid with fine wavy hair, one with super straight medium thick hair, one with super, super thick slightly wavy hair and mine is straight as a pin, fine and to my knees, so I know that these things work for lots of kinds of hair.
As far as the mother thing goes, forget it, it never ends, learn to live with it!
Bravo to you for wanting long hair, it does look fantastic and sexy on men, but you need to care for yours better if you want it to behave.
Best wishes to you all!
Dawn
I have been a longhair since I was 20 or so (now I am 43) almost continuously (I had to cut my hair in two occasions, in 1980 and 1987, for military service) and I had to put up with tremendous pressures from all sides. Until 1988 I lived in Romania (during the worst times of the communist regime that ruled that country until 1989) and pressures came both from my family (who wanted me to make a career in politics), from the workplace (until I managed to make myself indispensable) and from the authorities. In 1988 I had enough and left for Denmark.
My way of dealing with this kind of pressures has always been based on the principle "Say it like them and do it like yourself". Eventually my parents learned to accept me as I am (and as I want to be like), not as they want me to be like. Regarding my workplace, I have found a job (engineer in a product development department) where it doesn't matter that I have long hair, go barefoot and wear sleeveless shirts.
I wish that Victor's board had been around in the 1980s...
Nick