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My husband I are were married at the end of November after living together for a 1.5 years. When I met him 12 years ago one of things that attracted me to him was his beautiful long black hair. We lost touch for 10 years and when we met up again, his hair was very short. He wasn't nearly as attractive with short hair. (in my opinion) When he asked me to move in with him, I agreed as long as he grew his long. He agreed. By the time we got married his hair was past his shoulders.
Monday when I arrived home I found a bag of hair at the front door. My heart sank as I walked in the door and saw him wearing a baseball cap. He yanked it off and said how do you like me now?
I started to cry and ran out of the house. Ever since then I can't look at him above the neck, I don't want to hug, or kiss. I hate waking up and seeing a shaved head. He looks like he's been on chemo therapy: it made his face look fat. I feel cheated on, that he didn't warn me in some way that he was going to shave his head.
Now he is getting upset with me because I'm so devasted by this. He says, I'm still the same person, you didn't marry me for my hair did you? He's apologized many times and says he feels bad: He will grow it again. But that will take at least a year. Any advise on how I can cope with it untill then, or why this bothers me so much?
Debra
I'd have to agree with your husband here. It's not the hair that matters, it's the person inside. I don't know you, but any woman that made my hair being long a condition precedent to living with me I would think would be joking. Did your husband think you were serious? Whether or not he did, live and let live. You have only one life--why ruin your happiness over something so trivial, especially when they are plenty of other things in life to get upset about!
P.S.--when I first met my wife, I had long hair. Before we got married she said that my long hair was not "husbandly". She, at the time, was dying her hair blond, from her natural brown color. I told her I wanted to see her natural color. So I, for others reasons too, cut my hair and my wife let her natural hair color return. What are we doing now? I'm growing my hair out again, and she's dying it blond. Why? Because we love each other, whatever our hair style/color, and we want each other to do what makes us happy.
Please TRY not to feel too badly...
You feel sort of "betrayed" because your spouse made this decision
withOUT any input from YOU.
A couple shoulsd always TRY to make the REALLY IMPORTANT decisions
of Life..together.
LONG HAIR was important to YOU...but it doesn't seem to be so very important
at all to your husband.
SHOULD a man be FORCED to have long hair? WOW that's certainly turning
things around! HE will look better to you, but what if he is NOT a TRUE
Longhair at Heart?
And the reason he probably feels a bit like a "stranger" to you
is because his appearance has changed dramatically.
I knew one woman who felt THE SAME WAY when her husband shaved off his BEARD!
tHE THING IS, she HAD never seen HIM without a BEARD!
Maybe you should both talk these things through?
Good Luck
well i know the feeling, my wife had changed her hair style after 8 years and i cant stand it,,,it dosent do her justice,,,she had a nice straight jennifer aniston look,,,now its hmm i dont know,,feathery,,if that make sense,,i just dont like,,but i have to live with it,,as she dosent like my long hair or my colors i coose to wear,,,right now its has dark red highlights over a dark black,,,well i guess we all compromise
shave yours and see how he feels,,just kiding,,but that would shock him alot!!!
shave your hair off and see how he likes it. if you can cope with growing your hair out of course..
you need some serious MENTAL/EMOTIONAL help!
Well your husband did this in a VERY childish way and I realize you like long hair and all but lets just get down to the real issue here: You being selfish! From what you said it would seem that you don't realize this but it is extremely selfish of you to force your husband to have long hair against his will so YOU can get something out of it. If you look deeper into this you may notice that it actually has very little to do with hair. There is nothing wrong with wanting your husband to have long hair however you're not just wishing for long hair you are saying "As long as I am happy my husbands feelings are not important" which is really the big issue here. I'm only 17 and I realize not everyone is willing to accept marriage advice from someone so young. Still I feel it is important to give you my point of view on this, you can choose to face the truth and do something about it or continue acting like a victim while making your husband the "bad guy".
This response is an indication that youth and wisdom are not mutually exclusive. Good advice coming from a 17 year old. Very well done, Six.
Petros
Agreed! Woah! Maybe you should have considered your love for your husband was in his hair. THEN you should have looked down the road a little to when it was all likely to fall out and said to yourself, "is this all I'm in it for"? Perhaps he "likes" you in some certain way, but it doesn't sound like he has placed his love for you on it. If your greatest attraction for your husband was his hair, I would say welcome to a very shallow world. (and I'm NOT 17).
Agreed! Woah! Maybe you should have considered your love for your husband was in his hair. THEN you should have looked down the road a little to when it was all likely to fall out and said to yourself, "is this all I'm in it for"? Perhaps he "likes" you in some certain way, but it doesn't sound like he has placed his love for you on it. If your greatest attraction for your husband was his hair, I would say welcome to a very shallow world. (and I'm NOT 17).
I am sorry, ma'am, but as long as your husbands hair is the bond between you two, then love has nothing to do with your relationship. You might as well go out and find another attractive man with long hair because obviously this guy your with means absolutely nothing to you. An agreement may have been broken between you two, an agreement that I personally think should never have been made, but the one with the real problem here is you. I really feel sorry for this poor guy your with. He'd be better off with someone who really loves him, definetly not you. Long hair on a man is one thing, but definetly not worth this crap.
This reminds of an incident that happened with my wife last summer. Although I would like to get my ears pierced, my wife is dead set against it. One day I tricked her and walked in with these spring clip fake earrings that really look like the real thing. She examined and yanked them a bit and noticed they wouldn’t come off. She started crying and started to have a fit. At this point, noticing the seriousness of the situation, I unclipped one. She was so relieved, she almost fainted. She had me promiss never to “scandalize” her like this again.
Proves partners must discuss drastic moves such as getting tatoos. Love is compromise. BTW I don’t feel I’m missing out on something too important by not being able to wear earrings.. Long hair is another matter, I made sure she liked long hair on a guy at beginning of our relationship.
Whoa, sounds to me like the lady was overreacting a bit. I can understand if she got upset but this?
Whose ears are they - yours or hers ??
Does she ask your 'permission' about how she looks ?
I think this raises some interesting issues - I would be uncomfortable about being in a relationship where one person is trying to control the appearance of the other. Maybe it doesn't bother you - but maybe you've just buried your resentment against her and it'll manifest itself in other ways later on.
The whole hair/tattooing/piercing issue requires acceptance and understanding from both sides in a marriage. My wife's personal taste is that she dislikes all three (and I respect her right to have that opinion - her own 'look' is quite conservative). Likewise, she respects my need to look as I wish. Our compromise is that if ever I'm having a new tattoo or piercing I tell her in advance (so she's not shocked by it) and also that the cost implications are considered (I've not had a new tattoo for nearly a year because the budget wouldn't stretch to it). She has asked (no tears or 'fits' though) that I avoid having tattoos on my lower arms unless it becomes important for me to do so.
I hope you are able to resolve this issue with your wife - I think that it's important to discuss it further as it is probably more to do with control and power than with earrings. Good luck !
You suck! Get a life! If long hair is all that matters, leave this poor guy alone and get someone else. You don't love him anyway!!!
I suspect this post is a troll, but I'll answer anyway, in case it's not.
This (living together prior to getting married) is a mistake already, in my opinion, but I won't go into why.
I don't think anyone here can honestly say that physical features do not play a role in their selection of who they spend time with.
What was the agreement when you got married? Unlike marriage, just living together isn't a commitment, so any promises made then I would take with a grain of salt. On the other hand, if you made such an agreement when you got married, I think his decision shows a certain betrayal. Others have posted in this thread that your caring about his hair shows you don't love him. I disagree. It is completely unrelated to (or should be) whether you love him. The point is, you apparently made it clear to him that long hair was important to you, and he on the one hand acknowledged this and on the other hand rejected his own acknowledgment and agreement. This to me is where the real betrayal is. However petty any agreement made was, the point is that the agreement was made. That means both parties were of one accord in regard to the issue. The first one to back out, without the consent or even notification of the other, is the betrayer.
On the other hand, this isn't something I would think should ruin a marriage, although, if he is willing to do something like this over hair, perhaps that is an indication of a larger pattern.
I have no idea why this bothers you so much. That is something you will probably have to sort out for yourself. As for the other part, I would try to use this as a learning experience for both of you. Try to make it into something positive. He could learn, for example, that agreements must be taken seriously (or else why bring it up in the first place?) You could take this opportunity to try to find other positive features in him. I tried such an excercise once.
Good thing you added "in my opinion" ...
it was realy mean from him. but when you really love him, you will be able to go throw this stage. talk to him, why he really have done it. maybe he has a good reason.
Here it is again:
You feel upset Debra because of the way that your other half went about making such a point of what he did knowing full well that it would upset you (the bag of hair, making sure he was home, the sarcastic comment). Doing things with the intention of hurting someone is a bad bag of beans.
Hopefully he is not doing the Jeckle & Hyde thing that many people do after getting married. If he is then drop him a find someone better suited for yourself, life's too short.
I think some of you forgot that this is a long hair site. I believe she has every right to be upset that her husband chopped his hair off. If he wasn't into the long hair look to begin with he should have told her this from the beginning. If he just grew it to be with her then he's the one who is unfair, and she has every right to be upset. He knew how his wife liked long hair, and then goes and cuts it off and puts it in a bag; then has the nerve to ask her how she likes his bald head; is that being mature? I don't think so. It may seem "trivial" to you but to her it means something more, it appeals to her.
I think that some of you are forgetting something, which is that you like what you like, that's it. Everyone has something that turns us on and in her case long hair on her man is a turn on, the bald look isn't. You can't change what you like and you shouldn't. This look doesn't appeal to her. This could have been avoided if he told her from the beginning he didn't like having long hair. I think this was mean and immature of him reguardless of what you all say.
As for long hair not looking "husbanry", that is your opinion. If all you people like change or feel the need to "grow up" when you marry by cutting off you hair fine, but just maybe she likes to stick to her guns and have someone with a look that appeals to her, not what others think is trendy.
Debra, the only advice I can give you is to ponder real hard if your husband is worth all of that time and grief - having to look at him everyday with a shaved head, enduring the resentment you feel for what he did, having to live maritally with him when you don't feel like touching him anymore, etc... - I don't know, maybe he's the love of your life and it's REALLY worth all of it, but I somehow doubt that (someone who really cared about your feelings wouldn't have done something so selfish and low).
Also, I fully agree with Joe's post below. We simply cannot control what we like or desire, and nobody should expect us to do otherwise. Another thing some posters seem to forget is that love does not equal physical attraction, and in my opinion without one of these factors a relationship is not complete. Your man's new look is a big turn off for you, although maybe you still do love him and for this reason want to give him another chance. That's fine too, but ask yourself if all this effort to save your marriage isn't in vain in the first place - I myself have spent way too much time and effort trying to save a sinking relationship in the past, which ended up only delaying the bitter ending, wasted both mine and my ex's time, and almost made us hate each other... Guess that's why I really hate wasting my time with things that would just make me miserable nowadays.
(OBS.: All that said, no, I don't think the husband should be obligated to grow his hair again if he hates it either; in this case the only satisfactory solution to this dilemma would be you two getting divorced and both searching for other people more suitable to your tastes and looks, otherwise one of you will always be miserable in this relationship -- and life's too short for that!)
- Duma