new thread
Hi-
I've been reading this board for many months now, and I'd like
to ask for some advice. How do I know when it's time to cut
my hair?
Here's my situation...I've had long hair since I was a kid. I'm
in my mid-20's now, and all my former long-haired friends have
cut theirs. I have a decent job now where they don't mind my hair,
but I'm looking for a better one, and I know for a fact that
having long hair greatly reduces my chances of getting a job, I
know that from past experience. I'm currently single, and it
seems like no woman (at least around here) wants anything to
do with a long-haired man. Even my ex-girlfriend, who loved my
long hair when we started going out, was telling me to cut it by
the time we broke up. And lastly, no matter how much I keep it
trimmed, or what products I use (and I've tried a lot of the
suggestions I've seen on this board), my hair just has that
"fried" look.
On the other side of the coin, I really identify with having long
hair, it's such a part of me. I honestly think I look a lot
better with it long (though I can't even remember what it looks
like short). And I don't want to cut it and then regret it.
So that's my dilemma. I'm really leaning towards cutting it. But I
know a lot of you guys go through the same things, so I thought
I'd ask for some honest advice. Thanks.
Eric
don't cut it off unless you're 110% sure you want it cut. it sounds like you're feeling a bit alone as a longhair. well, none of my friends have long hair- yet i'm still growing mine out. i get no crap from either job about it. i make sure my work makes the biggest impression.
i can identify with your problem w/ attracting women ... though i'm willing to wait for someone who will accept me as a longhair... i'd resent it if someone pressured me to cut it.
if you still are leaning towards cutting- cut it back a little at a time- an inch or two a month. accustom yourself to a style that's a bit shorter each time. you might discover a look you really like along the way... and if you suddenly change your mind about cutting, you haven't hacked away years worth of growth... and set yourself up for those awkward growing out stages. if you've had long hair since you were a kid, you probably dont remember the 'bad hair' phase of growth- where it won't stay out of your eyes & won't stay combed & you can't tie it up (aargh!!)... this lasts a year or more with an adult.
on the other hand, you might consider alternatives to cutting it all off- try a different long style- (ex: short on top & sides; long in back). check out long styles some other guys are wearing & pick one you like.
hope this helps- good luck
In the above, Eric, I see the two classic longhair's questions being tossed around in your head: "Do I have long hair for others?" or "Do I have long hair for myself?" Your second paragraph, the long one, talks about the first question and the paragraph after that talks about the second question.
To the extent that long hair is indeed part of your identity, deep inside you will not care whether anyone else is longhaired or not, and you will greatly regret cutting. After any cutting, that part of you will cry inside. And it will cry non-stop for many months, because it will take that long for your hair to regrow.
You've had an ideal situation in the past - you've had your long hair and your friends have had long hair too. I had lots of long haired friends in college, and when I left college I very much missed not having them in my new environment. But that never diminished my own desire to have long hair, even after years and years passed. I still wanted long hair. And I was never happy and at peace internally until I grew it out.
Your recently-longhaired friends were no doubt "social longhairs" - they were longhaired because they thought it was a fad, i.e., they were longhaired not for themselves but for others. It was not part of their identity, so they easily drifted off into whatever new fad suited their fancy. Now that the fad has passed, you are left sitting alone as longhaired, and you are not happy about the situation.
If you were a social longhair, you would have happily cut your hair along with the gang, and you would have not looked back. You would not have posted now. What you did instead speaks to the fact that being longhaired is to a significant extent in your identity. Having friends who you thought shared your identity was delightful, but now that they have shown they do not, think long and hard about whether maybe you need to supplement your friendship circle with guys who do, rather than by trying to change your identity. You can change who your friends are. Identity is not something you can change.
As to the job, being in any minority is tough. But abandoning your identity is also tough. We'd have no minorities in this country but racial ones if it weren't for people clinging to their identities. Identities are so important to people and so unchangeable - witness unpopular religions and sexual orientations - that we have them despite how minorities get treated. Many people decide their identity is more important than ducking the mistreatment that some will throw their way, and they stick to being who they feel they really are. Identity is so important because it gets to the root of how you feel about yourself.
Yes, there may be some doors closed to you. You will in that case have to look for others which are open. But all minorities, including all of us here, have to deal with that. Life isn't always fair, and each of us has to do the best we can with what we have. Will you be happy and flower as a shorthaired person? Or will too much of you wither and die?
The issue is not necessarily a black and white one. Everyone has identity and social issues. Obviously, you have to weigh the two. The two crucial things to consider when making that weighing, that may not be in the forefront of your momentary feelings are:
Identity is often not felt but mildly until you are deprived of it. Once you are stripped of it, it will rage. (This fact causes many who have majority identities which are never challenged, to be oblivious to the fact that their identity exists at all. It's like folks not noticing they breath air all the time until the day someone push their heads underwater.) So be prepared to cry far more inside after any cutting than you might cry before.Because hair growth is so slow, any cutting will feel damn near permanent. Unlike with many identities, a longhaired one cannot simply be snatched up again. You'll have to pay your dues all over again, and it will take years.
You entitled your message "When to cut it?", like there will someday be a time. Well, if your identity is longhaired, the answer is "Never". As we've found out, identities don't change much, and they care not at all for what "everybody else" is doing. Quite a few guys on here will tell you their identities haven't wavered in decades. Having known the joy of being in our identities, and the pain of being outside of them, we would be longhaired if we were the last such person on earth.
Good luck, Eric, and may you find happiness in the decision you make.
Bill
First, good post.
A few months ago I had a teen with an attitude, wearing unbelievabley WIDE wide-leg pants and other "I'm hip" wear, come up and accuse me of trying to bring back the 80's "glam-band" look, long hair went out long ago, and that I should cut it. I told him I'd rather be "out of style" than be a fashion victim (looking him over). He gave me one of those "Hey, don't dis my threads!" looks, and I simply walked off, continuing about the business he so rudely interrupted (I was looking for something to rent at the video store for my wife and I that evening).
I find it ironic that some teens can have an attitude about how others dress while, in their attempt to achieve a sense of individuality, wind up looking like each other -- victims of the latest fad.
I don't mind them wearing what they want to (God knows I'd never be caught in dead in "Carpenter" or "wide-leg" jeans), but I wish they would show a little of the same kind of respect for others. Ah, well... such is life.
I'm a woman and I'm a pretty good cheerleader for the longhairs out there:
Yeah, yeah, keep your hair
Longer, longer if you dare!
Okay, I suck as a cheerleader, but I will put my two cents in:
Eric,
It sounds like you want a change in your life or being forced into one because everyone else is moving in a different direction. Let them go. Bill pretty much said it all in his response to you and I agree with him. You have to look the way you want to look. If you begin altering your appearance for others, you are opening yourself up for a big let down. I was an oddball when I was a kid and I wanted so much to fit in with them. I tried to dress the way they did, I had waist-length hair and cut it so that I would fit in with my friends, I even would try and talk like they did, but it all backfired on me. They still didn't accept me. In fact, they made fun of me even more. When I got 16, I said the hell with it, began dressing the way I wanted, listened to the music I liked and so on. My gift was that I met a new crowd of people who accepted me the way I was. When these friends began to change to move on, I stuck to my guns and did my own thing. As far as work is concerned, being that I was in the music industry, during the 80s I wore outrageously big hair and dressed like a rocker. I was also working in the corporate world and I got a lot of crap for looking the way I did, but I told them straight out that they could fire me because I wasn't going to change. No one ever did and I was never out of a job. As far as a woman is concerned, I know personally a number of women who like long hair on men. I'm one of them, my problem is that I never attract long-haired men. I get the short-hairs. Well, we've been going through a dry spell for quite some time.
On a side note, I watched Touched by an Angel last night and noticed that John Dye (the angel of death) cut his hair. Auuurrggghhh! What a let down. I almost cried, I felt like I've been trapped in the wrong time!!!!!! All these men in Hollywood are lopping off their beautiful hair!!!!! Okay, his wasn't that long, but still, it was getting to his shoulders.
Keep your beautiful hair Eric. You might want to find a hair stylist who is long hair sensitive who will help you work it back into shape. If it is behaving badly, you might have to lop some of it off to regenerate it (you know like pruning). Mine did that a few years ago, it was pretty bad so I lopped it off and now two years later its longer than it was. Before it came just to the middle of my back, now its thicker and maybe in another year will have made it to my waist. Plus, I'm getting a cool silver streak running down the side. I'm not even 35!
Good luck!
Eric, Based on the above comment, I can, with certainty, guarantee you that you will regret cutting your hair if you go thru with it. Been there, done that.
Craiger
Ditto. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that if I were to grow it out again, I'd never cut it, unless I had absolutely no other choice. I've been lucky. So far.
On a side note, someone e-mailed me a few weeks ago, wanting to know if I had any pics of my back side with my hair down. I sent a reply saying I didn't, completely forgetting that I actually do. To whom ever sent me that e-mail: here ya go. Enjoy. :)
BTW: It's longer, now, since these pics were taken.
Let's try this again, shall we?
The link should work, if not the image that should load into this message.
to: Nyghtfall aka Matt
Nice pix. Your look is an inspiration. Looks great and compliments
your face well, too.
What's your secret for keeping the waves in your hair looking healthy?
Any special shampoos or conditioner work best for you? How often
do you shampoo? Any other styles work well for you?
I have similar textured hair, more strawberry blond, but don't often take the time I should to treat my hair beyond a quick shampoo, leave-in conditioner (Rebalance by L'Anza from Los Angeles still works best for my texture -- it may not yet be available in Midwest -- I've sent some to my sister!) Mine's not quite as long as your yet, even after eight years (four+ without getting it "trimmed" anymore) -- but I expect it will be for the millenium!
PS -- Looks like a midwestern street on a windy fall day, eh?
Aloha --
Tim on the Tundra, Anchorage Alaska
tim@aprn.org
Victor,
It has been a while since I wrote anything on this board, but I think that it is time that I write something now...I left a message some time ago in July, I believe, and it was titled, "There be more beauty in a man with longish hair." I was not looking for a man, but the response that I got was astounding...27 men wrote me, with their thoughts about long hair and otherwise...but one man caught my attention so much that I decided to keep communicating with him...I wrote him once and figured that he would not write again...his name is Felix, and he lives in the Netherlands...we have been communicating ever since...he decided, a couple of weeks after e-mailing me, to come here and visit for a few days...well, he did just that...he came here on August 28 for ten days, and stayed three weeks...and now I am going there to stay with him for as long as I can on my passport...we are in love, and I have to thank you, Victor for having this site...
He has very long hair, a little longer than mine...he is tall and beautiful...14 years older than me, but that does not matter...he is an editor, and speaks several languages...he is the best thing that ever could have happened to me...and we are going to be together forever...if anyone wants to know more, I can keep you all posted on my trip to the Netherlands...I know that I will have a good life there when I can stay there for good...and again, thank you, Victor...and it is true, "There be more beauty in a man with longish hair...!"
A Thankful Canadian chick,
Krista "RavenFemme" Churchill
P.S. I call him Angel...and, if you read this, Felix, Ik houd van je, Mijn Lief...
I'm so happy for you Krista! I love to hear stories like that. May Aphrodite smile on you and your new love! Keep us posted.
Victor, I know your time is very precious but would it not be a good idea to have another board connected with this one just for meetings and connections (regardless of whether they're romantic or not). From some of the posts I've read over the months I get that some long haired men feel like they have trouble meeting women who appreciate their hair and this may give them some encouragement. I know we aren't allowed to post personals on this board.
Chaeya
Great idea! :-)
Unless someone replies to this post telling me that it's been done elsewhere, or that Victor is setting one up himself, I'll start one at my site.
I'll let you know when it's ready; it will only take a few days at the most.
8-)
Greg
Well, it seems I lied. I've run into a snag with the CGI/Perl script, and haven't had time to fix it. Besides, I'm a CGI/Perl dummy -- I tried copying from another discussion board I do have working properly, but....well.
Anyway, if anyone is interested, I would be happy to do it all manually; just send me email at greglove@oz.net with the text of your personal ad, and I'll post it. Include a picture if you like, though I'll probably reduce it.
Eventually I'll have time to get the discussion board working, but it may be a while.
8-)
Greg
Okay, I'll start here. When you go in to a job interview, be well dressed, well groomed and confident. If they have a dress code regarding long hair they should mention it and that is when you worry about a decision. [Although it helps that you have an idea before hand so you can tell them yea or nay right then and there] If they don't bring it up at some point, possibly the end of the interview, you should inquire. If they were going to reject you on your hair but did say any thing it makes them think. I went to a job interview in a suit with my hair tie back [lower-mid back length]and I made a good impression. Unfortunately I was a bit voerqualified and I had previously worked there, so they had to wait and pull my file, but they still called me asking for more info and said to keep calling them to see what way happening. [as opposed to 'don't call us, we'll call you]
A more recent job interview, it was never a problem or issue. In fact I had seen a couple of other [male] workers with long hair, so I knew that I was okay. At the moment I'm waiting for them to get the drug test results back and tell me I'm in... they already had me schedualled for job orientation next week anyway.
I'm currently single, and it
Well, I'm happily married and my hair is longer than my wife's, which she hates, but, as I tell her, it's her own fault for taking so much off when she trims her hair.[Most women I've met often wish their hair was as long as mine.]Its best to meet people and get to know them, there are may ways and means, which would take a website in and of it self to deal with. Trust me, if you're handy around the house, can do laundry and, as a bonus, can cook, women won't give a damn about your hair!
And lastly, no matter how much I keep it
I hear you. At about 6ft away my hair looks good, but closer you see the fly away strands all over that reeeeaaallly take away the look. We ain't young anymore and our hair has taken a beating along the way. Without knowing or seeing I don't know exactly what advice to give here. If its an all over problem then go to a salon, they'll help you or at least advise you.
Trust us, if you have even the slightest quirk with your hair you can get heaps of advice here. If you feel that you look best with long hair and identify yourself by it, then you aren't alone.
You're welcome, Eric
Hi-
I just wanted to post and thank everyone for their advice and
encouragement. It really is nice to have a place like this
where people understand what I'm going through and have gone
through some of the same things. These replies really gave me
some perspective, and I appreciate it. Thanks.
Still a long-hair,
Eric :-)
If you get any more thoughts of cutting your hair, try not to forget how difficult it is when hair is too short to tie back. When I used to have short hair, the hair kept falling into my face and bugging my eyes. It took about two years to grow it long enough to tie back. Once I could tie it back, it became much easier to manage and I've kept it long ever since.
