new thread
I am a computer consultant. My hair is about mid-back long. It is measured 22 inches
from the crown to the end. My hair is black, strait, shiny and silky. I have been with
long hair many years. However, only in last two years, it has passed the shoulder length.
Recently, my wife has problems with my long hair. Since she is a medical doctor (MD) ,
she thinks my long hair is not very professional. When she goes out with me, especially
seeing her friends, she feels that people may think her husband is not very educated. Actually
I have two Master and one Ph.D. degrees. She wants me to cut my hair to shoulder length
or less. I really hate to cut now, since the quality of the hair is so good. Please feel free to
give your supports or comments. Thanks
Your appearance is immaterial to your wife's career. If she really loves you, she won't be ashamed of being with you in public, and will choose to respect you over furthering her career. Bottom line, your hair has nothing to do with her. As far as looking "uneducated", ask her if that's her speculation of others' feelings or her own opinion. If she cares more about her career than you, then you should tell her that you decline to accompany her to any more functions. I know many couples whose careers are separate, and they respect each others' separate working lives. Your working world is different than hers, and vice versa, and you should not expect each other to "fit in" with each others' career crowds.
You know, stories like this are really annoying. That after (how long as the world been in existence?) eons, no one seems to progress at all. That we haven't learned anything about looking beyond appearances? If she's a medical doctor and you were a long hair when you met her and she has a problem with long hair, THEN WHY IN BLAZES DID SHE MARRY YOU? I don't get it. If she saw you had shoulder-length hair when she met you, wasn't it a good chance that it was going to get longer? Why didn't she put a clause in the prenuptial stating that HAIR SHALL NOT GROW DOWN THY BACK. As far as worrying about whether her friends will accept you or not, she should be worrying whether these are really her friends or not. In my opinion, real friends accept you just the way you are . . . and that goes for significant others as well. It sounds as if she bases her self-worth upon what her buddies think. This is her problem and she's the one who needs to work it out. If she's a M.D. looking to present the right picture to her peers, then maybe she should have married a Ken doll. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but geez, of the many problems people have just trying to stay married, things of this nature seem so petty to me.
Sweetie, keep your hair. I'm sure it looks good on you. It is important that we go through life feeling good about ourselves (our appearance especially). When people seek to try and change you into something you're not so that they will feel more comfortable, that does not sound like they have your best interest at heart.
Just recently I was offered a job at a gym in child care and I was told that I needed to pull my hair back and look more professional. If I'm going to be running after kids for two hours, who am I looking professional for? I told them that if I couldn't come as myself, then I needn't come at all. I got the job.
I support you and I hope you choose to keep your hair. I know you love your wife, but people come and go out of our lives, we have ourselves the entire time.
By the way, most of the people I know I consider to be educated and intelligent are long hairs.
Good fortune,
Chaeya (Thanks for letting me vent)
well put.
... As far as worrying about whether her friends will accept you or not, she should be worrying whether these are really her friends or not. ... It sounds as if she bases her self-worth upon what her buddies think. This is her problem and she's the one who needs to work it out. If she's a M.D. looking to present the right picture to her peers, then maybe she should have married a Ken doll. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but geez, of the many problems people have just trying to stay married, things of this nature seem so petty to me.
I got the job.
...: By the way, most of the people I know I consider to be educated and intelligent are long hairs.
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Good venting, Chaeya!
OM
well... you've got your profession; what the hell does it matter that acquaintances think you look unprofessional? even less what strangers think. if someone chooses to judge you negatively because of your hair length that's his or her privilege- but bear in mind that it exposes a character fault in them- not you. does it matter what these people think? it shouldn't. your wife shouldn't be embarraseed either. it sounds like you have long hair because it's part of your identity- perhaps you can communicate this to her; though she may be of the mindset that it's some sort of 'phase' that you'll outgrow. perhaps you can strike up a compromise with her- you keep it long & she have some input on the style. you've had longish hair since she met you- yes? you should hold your ground on the length- it takes so very long to grow out. well, good luck to you.
I don't think that your spouse will listen to me. I do have the same situation of sorts though. Thus I can say that the world will not end if you decide not to take this one piece of advice that your wife has to offer.
If she believes that long hair reflects poorly on your education, then I suppose that it's possible that she may still think this after you cut it--except that she might not mention it as often.
Medical doctors (yeah, I know quite a few of them), can be rather condescending about education, unless one has an MD. My best suggestion is not to fall for the idea that your hair is the problem--but that maybe there is another problem a little deeper.
If your hair is in good condition and is that long, then I think it would be terrible to cut it off. Good luck.
My guess from what you have written is that you will conclude long hair is a significant component of your identity, and that you have long hair for yourself. Like most people, you also value acceptance by those around you. Identity is almost unchangeable, while friends certainly can be replaced with others. So as some of the other folks suggest, what you may need is new friends, not a haircut.
JM keep your hair, genitly explain to your wife it is part of you.
She should not be worry if her friends accept you but rather if they are friends at all they should accept you because she does.
If you had your hair before you where married she should have no problem with it now, maybe something else is at the root of this and it needs to be worked out. You have your career and degrees your hair did not get in the way of that. Why should it now? Communate and see if something is there that needs to be worked on.
Thanks for your suport. I may need have better communication
with her to see what is exact the issue. Actually, we have
married for 9 years. When I met her, I was with short
hair. She is not against my long hair. What she just
doesn't like my current length. She believe that I will
keep my hair to butt-long. However, I really don't what
is my final length.
Just a few comments from a doctor if I may be so presumptuous. First of all, I have been hung up about growing my hair long since I was a physician for about the last 25 years. Every time it got to about 6 inches long I would chicken out and be miserable for about 3 months until it started growing back. Luckily, at almost 50, I still have enough to try again. I was afraid what my patients would say. I as afraid what appearance I would make in court when I testified, etc. To my shock, I have only trimmed my hair about three times in two years, it is now about 11 inches long- I keep to well groomed and have only gotten positive remarks from those around me- not that I would feel any differently if I didn't- I just resolved that I was going to do it- ultimately, you must look at yourself in the mirror in the morning- and frankly, I love to get up early and take extra time getting ready- it is the only relaxing time of the day. On the other hand, I remember what it felt like every time I cut it- I was often so depressed that I "chickened out", I couldn't wait for it to grow back again... hang in there and communicate with your wife- get her to really tell you what is bothering her... it takes a "real man" to grow hair as long as yours anyway- it shows that you have a real sense of identity- be proud of it and the hel with anyone that says differently!!! JL
I really respect fact that you grew out your hair, especially in a position such as yours! My job also requires hair length which is semi short. Mine is slightly past the bottom of my collar and I feel that I am pushing the limit. I wish I had the nerve! Keep it up and good luck.
. To my shock, I have only trimmed my hair about three times in two years, it is now about 11 inches long- I keep to well groomed and have only gotten positive remarks from those around me- not that I would feel any differently if I didn't- I just resolved that I was going to do it- ultimately, you must look at yourself in the mirror in the morning- and frankly, I love to get up early and take extra time getting ready- it is the only relaxing time of the day. On the other hand, I remember what it felt like every time I cut it- I was often so depressed that I "chickened out", I couldn't wait for it to grow back again... hang in there and communicate with your wife- get her to really tell you what is bothering her... it takes a "real man" to grow hair as long as yours anyway- it shows that you have a real sense of identity- be proud of it and the hel with anyone that says differently!!! JL
Jeff,
I'm glad you stuck to your guns and kept growing your hair. You are exceptionally brave in your profession and you get strong kudos from me . . . along with a cyber hair-brushing.
Chaeya
DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR IF IT'S THE LAST THING YOU DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's the bottom line:
1: Your the man. (This is not chauvenism it's your personal inner strength.)
2: Your in control. (Not of your wife, not of your relationship, but in control of your life, your identity.)
3: To thine own self be true. (Be who you want to be, do what you want to do, this is your life.)
4: Fuck the establishment. (The masses are manipulated by the media and a minority who tell us what we should wear, how we should act, what we should drive, what we shouldn't smoke, etc. etc.)
5: Exercise your free will. (I have observed that mankind takes no greater joy than to be able to impose ones' will upon another. Whatever the relationship between two individuals be it parent-child, husband-wife, employer-employee, buyer-seller, siblings, coworkers, etc. etc. one or the others will is going to prevail to a less or greater degree upon the other. Determine it to be your will and not their will.)
In conclusion, you had made reference to your wifes displeasure or discomfort with your hair style. Please do not conclude that I am being derrogatory towards your wife for these comments are directed at current societal norms in general.
When she goes out with me, especially
First off, this sounds much more like your wife's problem than your's. Her attitude that the length of your hair is going to influence what people think of her indicates a great deal of insecurity, and more than a little shallowness on her part. I know she has said that her concern is that people will see your long hair and think that you're not very well educated, but she should realize that, once you open your mouth, they'll have a much better gauge to use in judging your intelligence. Her concern, more likely, is that her friends and colleagues will think that she has married "beneath" her status and will therefore think that she wasn't able to get someone smarter.
If I were in your situation, I would be explaining to her that, if she doesn't feel that you're capable of demonstrating the callabre of your education through conversation, that she may want to re-examine her priorities.
My S.O. feel EXACTLY the same way about my long hair.. I decided to meet her half way.. If we go out on the town with her friends, for example, I wear the hair in a tail and tuck it down underneath the collar of my shirt.. This makes it difficult to wear a tie, but with a little experimentation, it will work.. Everyone knows without a doubt that I have long hair and most of her friends know how I look anyway, but if you show an effort that you are responding to how SHE feels, maybe it'll help..
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