new thread
My husband and I are the parents of a 3 year. Until now I have kept his hair a bit longer than most of the boys his age--about an inch below shoulders. He has beautiful curly blond hair and I would like to let it grow longer but am afraid this may cause him problems among his day care playmates or friends in the neighborhood. We live in a conservative middle class neighborhood and long hair is certainly not the norm for kids around here. My mother and another close friend have hinted about a haircut for my son. I would like to hear from any parents who may have experienced my situation or any of you who may have had long hair as a child and get your opinions/experiences. I don't want to harm or embarrass my son, but he would be a real cutie with longer hair.
Hi--
That you ask suggests that you are a good aprent.
Culture is a blessing and it is a tyranny, but the questions is always whether one will conform or lead. Sometimes the confirmers have had long hair and some times the conformers have had short hair.
There is something to be said in bucking the tide.
The most important questions is what your son feels about his hair.
If you want to let it forw, let it grow. I suggest that you pull it back into a pony tail or braid it so that it will not interfere with his sports or activity in any way.
However, if he says he would like to have his hair cut, do no wiat, do not pass go, ask him if he wants you to cut it or if he would like to go to the barber shop on Saturday. Tell hyim that it is alright to ware his hair anyway he wishes as long as it is clean and neat.
I hope this helps.
Sincerely
An adult long hair psychologist who always wanted long hair but was not permitted as a child. Now I can.
Jim
************************************************
The problems may not be from playmates targetting your son as an outcast, but some of them acquiring the desire for long hair from your son, and potentially causing problems for their conservative parents. As a boy, if my friends had fancy electric trains or baseball gloves, then I wanted tem too. "Me-tooism" is very real.
OM
I'm afraid that me-tooism is something every parent has to deal with and thats where a firm "no" comes in. If the parents don't want their young boy to have long hair like another boy at their school, then they need to stand by their decision. I had "me-tooism" when I was in school and my parents allowed me to have some things and others they said "no." It was simple. Just the same as I do with my daughter. This is not the responsibility of the boy with the long hair. Our children are going to be influenced by other kids in some way or other and it is up to us to lay down the foundation in the household and stand by it, that's how our kids learn to respect them. They may want things, but when you say "no" and that's it, then they will have to abide by that.
Chaeya
So what a useful possibility that a little child might lead the other children and shake up some reactionary parents. I will protect the word conservative for us liberals who are the true conservationists.
Jim
Cindi,
I agree that you must be a neat caring parent. I have three boys all are growen now. We lived in a conservative neighborhood, I had an executive position with a high profile company. My odest boy then 9 wanted to let his hair grow long both my wife and I supported him even when his grandpa called him a "heshe". His experience in expressing his own self and learning how to deal with all of the insensitive people in his life, I belive has helped make a fine young man out of him. The key I belive is to not force a kid to have a look that he or she is embaressed about. Our only constraint on our boys, for their hair,was that they keep it neat and clean. We didn't care if they wore it long, short, permed, curled, straight or anything in between (and they did). I can honestly say we had a great time raising our boys and their hair was no small concern of theirs, but we loved them and together we grew to a better understanding of what it means "to be me". Good luck!!
I'm also the parent of a longhaired three year old (soon to be four)boy, and I gotta tell you I know where you're coming from. My son's hair has bangs but is well below the shoulders and able to be tied back or even braided. But lets about the issue at hand by breaking it up:
1) You will often hear, "Oh! thats a boy, with the long hair I though he was a girl." This statement is usually followed by an apology for the mistake and sometimes a compliment on his good looks. Most people aren't feverishly opposed to it [the length] especially at this age where girls often have short hair, but still look 'darling'. In my experience, rare are the questions about cutting it soon and only once did I have to resort to hotly debating the subject. Although, I must admit that since I too have long hair, some people actually make a connection that its okay for men/males to have long hair, or at least he has long hair just like daddy.
2) Children his age will not care. It is my observation that they too are dealing with the parts of speech that identitfy male and female. Our socieology [sp] from the past dictates to us that long hair is a marker (at this age) of being a girl, and we impress this on our children. Regardless of teens and adults running around with various hair lengths. No matter how boyishly we dress our son, some people will make the mistake, but its their problem not ours. Besides, he'll just be "the kid with the long hair" to the other kids or just,"oh thats just ___. He has long hair". To them is just part of who he is, like being the kid who climbs trees or the one would eat anything...even worm.
3) Those who 'hint' at a haircut should be told (subtlely at first) that you have no plans to cut it and that it looks good this way. Any further insistance on their part may start to take the form of being teased by other kids or what the neighbors think. At this point (which I hope your real friends never reach) you should tell them as I said above: Its not an important issue to kid or their friends and if others are judgemental of my child's hair, I'll be judgemental of their kid's behavior!
4) No one know where style will go. (This is where I date myself)In the late '60s [in my neighborhood] hair was short bu tnever too short. Without being long, hair was allowed to cover the tops of the ears, but long hair covered them completely and rarely passed the collar. 'Real'long hair was usually just for Rock stars and Indians [today: Native Americans]. In the mid '70s to '80s the 'surf' cut was popular amount kids. It had the most popularity when "Eight is Enough" star Adam Rich sported it. Here was a style that could be let grow out from just over the ears to well past the collar. It still has some wears even to day. Then suddenly, mohawks were back which led to short to nearly shaved styles joining into the mix. Now styles are all over the place. The Hanson brothers may cause a trend to a long one-length style for boys and teens, who knows.
5) If you are good parent and raise him right, his hair shouldn't be such an issue. If it is to certain people, them you know that they are the ones with the problem, not you... or your son.
Hope all of that is a help,
Eric.
Ooooo, my favorite long hair topic, kids and long hair. Cindi, first of all at three the childs really a bit young for the hair to be his own decision so you have to take the lead now and just tell people, well, I like it that way, or I think he looks cute with it like that. Once he reaches five or six and beyond, then it has to become much more of his own decision. As others have said, the key here is self determination. The whole issue of long hair on young boys lends itself really well to many, many discussions about what is important in life. Nothing makes a child feel more empowered than having input into the way they dress or wear their hair and nothing gives them lessons about the world out there quite like having long hair. You'll hear them called girls a million times. Most people are more embarrassed than the boys when this occurs. You'll see some deep furrowed frowns when certain people respond, you'll see others who are if anything, intrigued by the notion that a little boy would choose to wear his hair that way. Wait till they reach little league age and have to go through that, throw it to her! its not a girl, he's a boy phase. It will teach your kid the importance of getting to know people before making decisions about their character and also give them lots of lessons about the tolerance levels of others and how to tell what people are worth knowing.
If you want your little boys hair long, leave it long, simple as that. He's your kid and its your choice, not theirs. Will you have to defend yourself at some point? Probably, but you have to decide what's important to you, living your own life or conforming to arbitrary rules. If your kid is kind and generous and thoughtful and well mannered, the hair will fade into a non-issue. Believe me, I know I have three boys, 9,8 and 6 all of whom have had long hair all their lives. Its way down their backs, nearly to their butt and they've dealt with all kinds of situations regarding it. The bottom line and their usual response, its their choice to wear it that way, end of story.
Good luck! At three years old, you've got lots more of these tough parenting choices ahead!
Very best wishes to all,
Dawn
If you think shoulder length is tough, wait till it reaches nearly to his butt!
A beautiful response, Dawn!
I can vouch for the five-year-old point as one where a kid cares about his own hair. I remember very much wanting to be longhaired then, and being denied it was very painful. I don't remember much before that age, but few people do.
Thanks Bill!
I know for myself that the fact I haven't cut my hair in 20 years has a great deal to do with being cruelly denied any input in my own appearance as a child. I make every effort NOT to leave those same scars on my own children. Its good for them and quite healing for me too. And I think you're absolutely right that even though the basis for our personalities is formed by about age three, the overt sense of identity and personal awareness really begins to manifest itself around age 5. Oppressing a child's sense of self even at that young age can really leave them confused and vulnerable.
I found Chaeyas response interesting too, but I think its important to add that when you say no, you better have a legitimate, rational reason, like, no you can't play with that knife, or no you can't have that $250 lego set because its a really inefficient way to spend $250 or no you can't have $150 sneakers because you'll be grown out of them in a month and I can't afford that. No, you can't have any self determination about your own body is a tough sell I think, its a real intrusion on a person's sense of freedom. I find it an interesting study that allowing my boys to be "different" from most of the other kids, just because of some extra hair has also done a great deal to prevent that kind of "me-too ism" thats been discussed. They already think of themselves as unique and not having the "right" toys, clothes, whatever is simply not an issue for them, it just doesn't enter their minds. I think of it as invaluable protection, "immunization" if you will from the peer pressure that often rules kids lives. Personal freedom at a young age alleviates the need for rampant rebellion during later years, since there are no autocrats to rebel against.
BTW Bill, love the photos you always link to, fantastic hair and beard!
You too Vinnie, great head of hair!
Best wishes to all!
Dawn
Thanks Dawn for adding that. You're right and I didn't intend to come off like a "meany." I am glad you're allowing your boys to do their own thing. I also was told what to where and how to wear my hair and I wound rebelling some awful when I was 16. I have had practice with this in supporting my then 9 yr. old step-son when he cut his hair in a fashionable way in the 80s (short top and sides and long tail in the back) complete with an earring. My ex went bonkers, which I had to remind him that he had been a hippy with long hair in the 60s much to his parent's dismay. Of course, I got a "but that was different" and was given a one hour lecture on the movement of the 60s. Nevertheless, I thought it was cool and vowed that I would give my children the same sort of freedom regardless. I know if I ever have a son, he's gonna have to ask me to cut his hair because I will let grow and grow and grow.
Chaeya
>> I also was told what to where and how to wear my hair and I wound rebelling some awful when I was 16. I have had practice with this in supporting my then 9 yr. old step-son when he cut his hair in a fashionable way in the 80s (short top and sides and long tail in the back) complete with an earring.<<<
My wife's midwife once told he she was ready to deal with the long hair on her son, but got the shaved head and earrings. Sometimes you just can win.
long hair is kewl
YoU SuCk!!!!
get Over it...
long hair is kewl
YoU SuCk!!!!
get Over it...
Hi Cindi,
I'm of the opinion that you should not cut the hair on your son before he insist on it. Let it grow but keep it nice and tidy, take care of and style it as if he is a girl, and let him use cute hair accessories like hairbands and clips. When he be a bit older, 5-7 years, he will start to be avare of that he has hair more like a girl than other boys but that he will overcome with either accept it or ask to cut/restyle it.
On our boy who is now seven we let the hair grow and even if a few comments from his friends he insists to keep it. In fact I belive that he has more friends, boys and girls, now than he would have had if his hair had been short.
His hair is now just abowe mid-back and very straight and he mostly wears it in a ponytail or braids, and he now asked us if he could have a perm which would make his hair curly as one of the girls in his class had made it. Next Saturday I will bring him to the beauty saloon to get it done. He has as well asked for to get his ears pierced and I might let him do that as well.
I'm only vaiting for the day when the girls in school will ask him to wear girl clothes and make-up as well.
But he is still a boy and fully accepted among his friends e.t.c.
I in fact think that he would be realy cute dressed up as a girl and his school has in fact asked if he would like to change to the girls school uniform. I think it would be Ok.
Father
but he would be a real cutie with longer hair.
if he could have a perm which would make his hair curly as one of the girls in his class had made it. Next Saturday I will bring him to the beauty saloon to get it done. He has as well asked for to get his ears pierced and I might let him do that as well.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I doubt if the aim of this board is to encourage men and boys to appear female as much as possible. That is the impression I derive from your post. There is the concept of male beauty, and long hair assists in its realization. Perms and hair-styling to curl and wave the hair are fine, but I would think the purpose would be to enhance a male's attractiveness as a male, not a female. A male wearing girls' clothes, ie., those which are decidedly feminine, and cannot be taken by most of us as other than feminine, somewhat repels me. In fact, the above extracts from your message indicate the intention to have your boy appear as a girl.
Let us aim to beautify the male, whether boy, or man, as a male, and try to have long hair help in this regard.
OM
I'm with OM on this, that Father post was bordering on a little creepy and I don't think its appropriate or even the point at all to let your boys hair grow so that they can be transformed into little girls, how confusing for a kid! I wholeheartedly agree with the article that was posted about above, long hair is in fact a symbol of virility, a source of power and a very MALE announcement that this kid is his own man not that he's a future cross dresser (not that I'm attacking cross dressing ok, but that's an adult issue and one that shouldn't even involve a little kid.)
But that post from Father was just a little troll anyway wasn't it? Mocking is often much easier than contributing.
Best wishes to everyone!
Dawn
P.S. And to Chaeya, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to infer anything about your handling of kids, I always enjoy your posts and read you as extremely kind and considerate. I was just embellishing on what you said, no flame intended! See you around!
Dawn,
Please don't apologize. I did not at all take negatively what you added to my post. It was a good "addition." I get rather passionate on things and sometimes I come off a bit hard. I enjoy your posts as well. What I like about this board is that there are so many awake, spiritual (religious and non-religious alike) and intelligent people who participate and I enjoy coming here. If you don't mind, I would like to email you some time and just talk. I don't have a son, but if I do one day, hopefully he will want to be a long hair.
Chaeya
I can't believe that a father or a mother would allow their child to be cross genderized! I find this post by "Father" very hard to believe, if a school teacher or official made such a comment in my state they would be imidiatly removed from their position. So I'll take this post as someone having perverted fun; not too funny!!!
Dear JameJ --
Allowing a boy to have long hair is not cross genderizing. Hair does not have a penis nor vagina. Length of hair is a social convention, and we live in a pluralistic society. Of course there are those people who would have everyone to conform and be exactly the same, but that would stultify creativitty and untimately undermine civilization.
By the way, why do you use a feminized name?
James
Read more carefully James, Jame-J was referring to Father's intimation that he would be happy for his boy to wear the girls uniform at school and be treated as if he were a girl because he has long hair. We're probably arguing over the remarks of a troll anyway so lets not start attacking people over their choice of pseudonyms.
THANKS!! Dawn, I've always enjoyed your posts you must have a great family, certainly you are a very insightful woman. Thans again.
JameJ