new thread
My son, who is now six, has had what people call long hair since birth. He has a beautiful thick head of hair that we usually keep cut in a shaggy style with the longest hair (about 2 inches past his shoulders) only in the back. We have gotten many compliments on it in the past, but as you can guess, we have also had our share of complaints, mainly from family and a few bullies in school. My husband actually calls his son a "freak" to his face, and says that I am making a spectacle of my son. When I bring up the fact that I don't care what these few troublemakers think and that it's a personal choice, he says that I should grow up and think about my son instead of myself and quit causing him problems. I have never judged anyone's choices and cannot believe how other people feel that they can force their opinions not only on me, but on a vunerable six year old by humilating him ruthlessly and destroying the self confidence I have tried to build in him. When does standing one's ground become too much of a burden to the child? I really hope I can get some opinions here...I don't know where else to go.
It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. If your child isn't safe from the monster you have in his home, he wont learn to feel safe at school. Often schoolyard bullies in American schools pick up on this and pick on children who come from abusive homes--regardless of hairstyle. I'd suggest you tell your husband that the abuse is unacceptable and if it continues that you intend to do something about it--like divorce or find a real man. Some web sites may help in preventing abuse. They are probably listed under keywords such as "abuse" "prevention" and "relationships".
RESPONSE
If the relationship between the adults is coersive, get out.
But do't forget to get the opinion of the child.
Druid
Sounds to me like you would really benefit from scrolling further down this message board if you haven't already. There are at least two different threads that go into great detail about the very subject of boys with long hair and the issues they and their parents have faced. I hope you can find lots of insight there. As a former child of verbal abuse myself, I must say it is never fun to be picked on by bullies, but it is even worse to be berated by an angry older male at home. If you must make a decision, I urge you to decide in favor of your son. As a child who was picked on by bullying children constantly, I must also say that kids are cruel no matter what you look like. They simply do not have a clue about others' feelings yet, as they are still young. If it's not the length of your hair, it's something else that they will pick on. The only thing one can do is stand tall; if you don't react to their taunts, they will find you "no fun" to tease and will move on. I hope this helps.
I'm with you, Chris. It's a waste of time to jump through hoops to please the public. Bullies are gonna be bullies and kids are going to pick on each other. I was also verbally abused and this may sound bad, but it has made into a very strong person and I can go and do things, wear things, say things and not be bothered by what people think, but the other side of this, it has also made me a very compassionate person as well, and I don't have the need to pick on people, but I will be up front and tell them what I think.
As far as the husband goes, he sounds like a very unenlightened and verbally abusive human being. I can get mad at my child and even raise my voice on occasion, but I couldn't think of subjecting her to wordsHe thinks by making fun of his son will encourage him to want to conform. This is sure to blow up in his face because as his son gets older it will just compel him to rebel more. Abusive statements usually only have a reverse effect. If not heeded, usually tend to become more and more abusive over time. Ausmom, its good that you've held your ground (hopefully long hair is what your son wants), but marriages are with people who support one another and have unconditional love for one another (even if you don't agree). If it turns into sharp words like you're describing, then you two need to talk and come to a peaceful solution. If you have a strong marriage and your husband respects you then perhaps he will calm down a bit and work out his issue with your son's hair. Its a shame that at little bit of hair could cause such a reaction.
Chaeya
your husband. isn't being very helpful is he? he's teaching your 6-year-old that it's ok to ridicule someone for something as harmless as hair length. further, he's trying to pressure conformity onto your son. do not reward those who wish to force their opinions onto you. bullies thrive off reactions... your son needs to learn how to ignore them. standing one's ground would be much easier for a 6-year-old if he had the support of both parents. conforming to norms may be necessary later in life- let the child wear his hair whatever length he wishes. being different can help develop one's sense of individuality. (his father) calling him a freak will only destroy his self esteem.
Any man calling his 6 year old son a freak needs to be taken out back
by another man and whipped with a strap. He doesn't deserve
to have a son.
Im not an advocate of long hair, nor do I have long hair.
The boy will have enough tearing down and criticism to face in
this world, he doesn't also need it from his parents.
RESPONSE
I appreciate the sentiment, but anyone who has been harrassing their children for long hair, should be taken by their friends on threat of ex-communiccation, not violently, using nly social pressure, to a good hairstlylist, and rquired to have a perm, a set, or some pleasurable manipulation of their own hair.
Druid
Ooooo, my favorite topic! And I see the regulars have already put their two cents worth in too. I agree that scrolling down and checking out the previous discussions would be very helpful Ausmom, but you know, it seems your problem here is really two-fold, the least of which is what to do about your son's hair. It appears this issue is causing serious pressures WITHIN your home as well as outside it and that is way harder than just, hey, some kid is teasing my boy at school. You seem to have fundemental differences with your husband on how to raise your child and that is really tough territory for strangers to interfere with. You need to work those other issues out first because they are far more potentially destructive to your child's psyche than any amount of taunting by other kids could ever be. Its such a personal area, I won't even venture to tell you what I think about it, but regarding the opinions of outsiders, just be sure that it is indeed your boys choice to have his hair long. (By the way, you could also tell people that just below the shoulders in back is hardly that long anyway so what's the big deal?) If it IS his choice, you're most of the way through dealing with the problem because he'll already have the tools he needs to stand up to the societal pressure and he'll learn those multitudes of leasons about personal freedom and its consequences, both good and bad. If it is his choice you'll find that the self confidence you've tried to instill in him becomes second nature as he proudly stands by that decision regardless of outside influences. Self determination is a wonderful builder of character. (In the long run, its something envied by other children when they know that your child has so much input into the structure of his own life.) But you do need to make sure that your husband isn't right and you're not projecting what you want for him onto him without his consent. Six years old is plenty old enough to express an opinion about his own body. Let him do that and then support him wholeheartedly in whatever he chooses. You didn't mention how your child feels about the matter. Be forwarned, he may choose to cut it, my youngest did, when he was about four, he asked me to chop off his ponytail, and then missed it about a week later when his brothers still had theirs to braid and wear hairties in. But it was his choice and me forcing him to leave it long would be as wrong as forcing him to cut it against his wishes. If long hair is important to your boy he'll tell you. If he wants to cut it for a while, you might have to respect that too, but the most important thing is you have to let him choose. Either way you'll have some truly valuable life lessons for everyone concerned in the process.
I wish you all the very best of luck in working this all out. I can't imagine how difficult life could be without the full and unconditional support of my wonderful husband and I hope you can somehow find that with yours too.
Let us know how it goes! We often see posts like this but never hear how the issue of resolved and I'm always so curious about whether the kids in question turned out ok and happy, so write back!
Best wishes to everyone and Happy Thanksgiving!
Dawn
RESPONSE:
Indeed your boys choice!
Druid
I LOVE THIS BOARD,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, BUT.................
you guys are wasting time, space and muscle power.........
dont you get it ..............THOSE KIDS DON T EXIST.....
NEVER DID...........NEVER WILL.............
if they did.............we ;d see pics.............
enjoy the fantasy!!!!!
can you substantiate your cynicism? this is not a fantasy board... my understanding is that basic human rights are being discussed... are you suggesting that we are being jerked around by someone lying to us- posing as a mother of a long haired kid(s)? why would someone go to such lengths (excuse the pun) to pull off such an odd charade? why do you need to see pictures of kids anyway? if someone's 'role playing' sparks a constructive discussion that ultimately helps someone then what's the harm? you should look into medication to control your paranoia.
RESPONSE
Don't sweat inauthencity. It is out there. Just ignore it. If people not real, they will in time use up their energy and fall on their face. Treat everybody as though they are real. You will not have to dencounce, them because they will not in the long run be able to sustain their fantacy. Just go on and deal with people as you know would be best, and don't invest your retirment funds too easily, and the phony's will soon show themselves up.
Druid
Hey Dude,
I've seen long haired little boys with my own eyes. Being in a part of town where there are a number of men with long hair and hanging out with a crowd that isn't into the social norm, I would say I've seen to date five little boys with hair down their back. Just two weeks ago, I saw a man with his hair in a pony-tail walking his son home from school -- his son had hair growing just below his shoulders. My friend has a son who is "lockin" past his shoulders now and he's three. Am I fantasizing? Why do you think these parents would waste their time and lie on this board? I'm sorry you think that these people are making all this up. I find more intelligent stock on this board.
Chaeya
BRAVO! to both these comments. And I second the question, by what evidence do you assume that these children don't exist?
As for pictures, I've posted my own pictures out on the web and the e-mail you get can be beyond belief. Some is incredibly sweet and wonderful, some downright obscenely disturbing. I would NEVER allow pictures of my children to become fodder for that sort of sickness and I surely don't need to provide evidence of their existence by posting such images. I have three boys, all under 10, hair nearly to their butts! Don't believe me? So what?
This woman asked for help with an issue that's important to her life and sincere people did their best to offer some support and encouragement for her dilemma. If it was a troll, so be it, you can't live your life thinking the worst of people. If someone got a good laugh from our responses, so be it as well, I for one will continue to assume the best of people, even when we sometimes see the worst.
P.S. Hi Chaeya, I owe you an e-mail, I know!
Very best wishes to everyone,
Dawn
I'm with you Dawn. Many of us have and have had boys that wanted long hair, one of the things that it teaches them is that they don't have to explain their hair to any one, nor do they have to prove anything to anyone. If someone puts us on then let them have their fun but if someone needs help let us not back off! Hair! Hair!
RESPONSE
If children want long hiar, then support them to the supreme court. If childnen don't want it, just make sure they do their homework.
Druid
RESPONSE
Chrildrenb should not have long hair woes! Parents, prevent long hair woes. Children shold only have long hair joys.
Druid
HEAR YE, HEAR YE!
I want to har about yound kids hair joys!
Druid
I've seen kids with long hair, so I believe they exist. If the post by ausmom was fake or if ausmom never returns to see the replies, the replies were still useful to many others who read them or who may know others who have the same problem.
My heartfelt thanks go out to all of you kind people who were thoughtful enough to submit your opinions on my recently posted hair problem. For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone would actually believe that I was lying to this board to feed some sort of fantasy about childhood problems. I ASSURE any disbelievers out there that my fantasies are QUITE A BIT different and would probably be kicked from this and most other boards due to content. To say that my life is so dull that my IMAGINARY child's problems would be a source of entertainment is not only a slap in the face to me personally, but it is totally beyond my realm of comprehension that ANYONE would even consider spending their time in such a useless manner.
Again, thanks to all of you who posted some very positive and enlightening support on this issue.
none of us took his posts seriously ausmom (tina). neither should you. that kind of rhetoric seems to be the exception here.
has the problem with your husband been resolved? i hope for your son's sake that his dad becomes a little more supportive. it might also be a good idea for dad to sit down with son and tell him that everyone makes mistakes, and not to pick on someone just because he or she is a little different. little boys often look up to their dads & try to mimic their behavior.
HI--
I take your seriously, in contrast to others. You and your husband should bet into couple counseling and clarify your values. The conflict between you is not good for you, him or her, and your child. You two clarify your values and your son will be OK.
DRUID
Hi Druid, and thanks for your input. You are so right regarding the core of my problem, but as wise as your suggestion is, it is as far from reality as one can imagine. We are dealing with one of those "I DON'T NEED HELP - YOU GO GET IT IF YOU WANT IT" attitudes (my husband's) and for a well-raised, college educated person, he is so completely clueless on his own shortcomings, it is almost laughable (although I'm not laughing). Believe it or not, he and I don't really disagree on the length of our son's hair...it is only when we get outside pressure that he turns and makes me the villain; thus relieving himself of any responsibility and ridicule for our son's hair. Even if he would support us 100%, we would still have to deal with a portion of the public that is rude, crude and far too eager to push their beliefs onto others. Unfortunately, their barbs dig much deeper and leave a much longer lasting impression on a child than the many compliments he encounters. My son, I am sorry to say, surrendered recently, and got his hair cut... and he was so optimistic that now people would only say nice things to him. I take comfort in knowing that when he finds out it doesn't work that way; and more importantly, that these people are simply not significant enough to worry about, he will see that dear old mom really knows more than she is given credit for. (Not to mention the fact that his hair grows very fast and will be back before we know it.)
Thanks again for your much-valued support and concern.
Tina Austin