new thread
In one of her recent attempt to try to convince me to cut my hair to "get the job" after I graduate from college, my mother mentioned to me that she saw one of my brother's friends who used to have long hair. Apparently, this friend (who I HAVE seen before and after his neutering) was talking with her and she expressed her concern that I would not change when the time came. He said, supposedly, that "yeah, I was like that too, I hated cutting my hair" ect, ect. but that he "had to do it" and that he will "someday grow it back". She asked him for some sort of advice about if I would ever cut, and he apparently said something like "Oh, he will, he'll have to" (or some line of BS). While I appreciate my mother's genuine concern, I do not appreciate this low-down attempt at "testimonializing" hair cutting. As always, she has this idea that I'll eventually have no choice, and that I'm misguided somehow. (see part two)
What I especially don't appreciate is my mother and a near-complete stranger discussing my future and a decision that I and I alone have a right to make. Their general assertion that I will "cave in" or "cut because I'll have no choice" are a disrespectful dismissal of my ability to choose my own destiny and find a better solution for making it in the world. I get this feeling that they feel sorry for me; you know who I feel sorry for, though? My brother's friend! The former longhair sounds to me like a sorely misguided "identity" longhair, who has felt that he no other choice. He may very well have fallen for the same old excuses that my mother tries to "sell" to me. If I ever see him, I'll direct him to this board, because he needs our help badly. Man, I'm so glad I found this board when I did. Saved my life! (Alright, let's not get misty here ;) ).
Hey, wouldn't they both be surprised if you landed a job that made some pretty righteous bucks, despite having long hair? Then you could tell your brother's friend, "Hey, man, if you grow your hair back, maybe you too can be like me!" har har.
What's your major, Chris? What kind of work do you hope to get into? If you're in any tech field, or even some engineering fields, you may find yourself in a job interview sitting across the desk from some guy with long hair himself. If, on the other hand, you're getting a business/marketing degree, you may be in for a tough go. Unfortunately, these are the facts of life.
Your mom sounds a bit like my wife when I decided to let mine grow a couple of years ago (I just turned 43). Problem for her was that whenever she solicited advice from "strangers", they would tell her how lucky she was, that they all thought my long hair was sexy and how they all wished their uptight husbands would let theirs grow. Well, none of the guys in my neighborhood have followed my lead, but my wife is now actually encouraging me by giving me tips and suggestions. She even gave me one of her Alberto VO5 Hot Oil Treatments to use.
I do sympathize with your plight. If ours were a perfect world this forum would be filled with stories of joy. Instead, we share tales of struggle. How do you think I feel -- I'm probably the only pony-tailed male ordained Deacon in the Presbyterian Church!
Good luck, Chris. Keep us updated.
I'm majoring in graphic design, so I'm somewhat hopeful for not-so-bleak future. Even if I can't get anything in my field for hair reasons, I'd rather have my hair and work two minimum-wage jobs than not be myself and drive an expensive car. ;)
Chris,
I don't post much here since I don't qualify as a long hair (two days of stubble on top is my max), but I do admire long hair on men.
I work in the software industry, for a company that designs software for the printing and graphics industry.
Let me tell you...
Long hair is not a problem! I have seen every length color, piercing tatoo, beard, stache, etc. Grow it to your ass! Add a nice beard or goatee (if that's your pleasure).
Just be creative and good at what you do, and tell Mom to piss off!
Steve
Thanks for the advice! Yeah, I hopefully will not have TOO much of a problem (which is to say I'll have problems less frequently than, say, an accountantancy major. I just hope my resume and portfolio are good enough 8) !
I can understand your frustration with the subtle or not so subtle attempt by your mother to get you to cut your hair. As an adult you have the right to choose for yourself. However, as a parent of two sons, ages 22 and 26, I can also understand your mother's concern. Most parents want the best for their children and they hope that they develop the same values as themselves. You certainly could and may have to let your mother know that it is your right to choose your own hairstyle and destiny. However, you might also want to try to show her the areas in your life that your values match hers. Let her know that your inner character is what she should be concerned with, not the outward appearance. After all that is the person she really should want you to be. Hopefully you can use this as an opportunity to assert your indendence and individuality but also gain a better relationship with your mom. Good luck and keep us posted to how it proceeds.
I can see where you're coming from. Really, I do see and appreciate her concern, and know that she wants the best for me. But the fact that she seems so willing for me to just "give up", when what I'm doing doesn't hurt anyone--I guess that frustrates me. Well, I guess the future will tell...
Dude, you scare me. Sure, having long hair is a LOT of fun, and feels absolutely WONDERFUL (not to mention that it looks FANTASTIC), but, by the gods... get a grip. Cutting your hair will not "neuter" you (where the hell did THAT come from?!). In fact, it won't do ANYTHING to you except give you less hair to comb. Sure, hair can be a statement of your personality, and of who you see yourself as, but it isn't the complete definition OF who you are. There's a BIG difference there. If you don't feel that you would be the same person with short hair that you are with long hair, you've got some serious work to do on how you identify yourself and value the more tangible aspects of your personality, self worth, and identity.
I love this board, too. It's a great place to come to when I need a short break from the duldrum of day-to-day life. I love my hair, too (so does my wife). But it does NOT define me, nor do I let it. What people see on the surface is but a microcosm of who I am, and what I wear or how I wear it doesn't even begin to do my "identity" justice. It's there to give people a sampling of just one of my facets before they get to know me.
I'm lucky enough to work in a corporate setting that allows long hair on men (extroardinarily lucky). It's a job that I value not only for the work I do, but for friends I've made there and the fact that it pays the bills. I'm extremely fortunate to have it. If, by some bad stroke of luck they happen to change the dress code and decide to require men have short hair, my hair's gone. I'll hate having to do it, but I won't bat an eyelash if it means keeping my job so I can support my family. Hopefully, they won't change it. Until they do, I'm going to enjoy my length and not fret about something that may never happen.
If you find yourself in a position where you've found a job that's going to pay you the $$$ you've always dreamt of making, it's a job you NEED in order to live the kind of lifestyle you want, but they want you to cut your hair, then I STRONGLY recommend thinking twice about ANY idea you have to give the job up just to save your hair. That kind of think is, in my mind, is completely irrational and extremely immature.
There is SO *MUCH* more to value in life than the length of one's hair. When I decided to grow mine, I vowed to myself that I would never cut it unless I had absolutely no REASONABLE choice but to do so. I've grown it for 9 wonderful years without hitting any snags (it's waist-length now). I can only hope my luck doesn't run out. If it does, there's no question in my mind, my responsibilities come first.
Grow you hair, enjoy it, but don't let it define you. YOU exist ONLY in your heart and your mind.
"Maybe your just like my muh-tha..." --the Artist (formerly known as Prince) ;)
I think you and I, according to Bill Choisser, would fall into to different categories. I am a definate "type 2" longhair, of strong "identity reasons". You seem to fall more into the "type 1" category, closer to a "social longhair" (but for reaction reasons, not fashion or social group reasons). And that's okay; diversity is life. ;) What I chose long ago to rebel against is the idea that someone can tell me how to look, even when I'm OFF the job, and impose their values (in some form) upon me. To me, that is how someone treats a child. It is, to a long-term, subtle degree, humiliating. I just don't like to see anyone degraded, and that's where I got the imagery of being "neutered" (kind of a sarcastic allusion ;) ). I think somewhere on this board is a link to Raj Singh's paper, which is a real eye-opener and explains quite well why I feel the way I do. As a child, I often felt insignificant (in the shadow of my brother, verbally abusive stepfather, ect.) Maybe I refuse to be dominated (in any form) again.
Chris, I concur. Nyghtfall (Matthew's other handle) has been a longhair for many years and has gorgeous long hair. However, he has consistently posted his feelings in line with what he said in his post just now, and his openness about his feelings, along with many others, is what led us about a year ago to realize there are two very distinct camps among us.
The thing to do, of course, is to respect one another's views and work together to make things better for all longhaired men. Knowing the diversity among ourselves will make it easier for all of us to confront those who might oppress us. For example, if another longhair on your floor cuts his hair readily, understanding that there are longhairs out there like Nyghtfall and understanding that difference will enable you to confront the issues surrounding why you are not going to follow in that (ex)longhair's footsteps.
Meanwhile, men who feel as Nyghtfall does will not realize there are men like us unless we communicate our feelings to them. If we don't keep these lines of communication open, such longhairs may lead those who oppress us to mistakenly believe their own feelings are representative of those held by all longhairs. With us being in two definite and very distinctive camps here, that would communicate false information, and it's information that could hurt someone.
For "identity longhairs", or "born longhairs" as we've also called them, the need to be longhaired is very real. We have one man on here who migrated to a different country to escape hair persecution and we have had two others post who were doing everything they could to get out of bad situations in their native lands. I am 52 years old, and the deep need for me to be longhaired has persisted despite intense opposition from the environment for half a century. It is not going to go away. I have communicated with people who want their sex changed, and what we identity longhairs feel runs just as deep. We will never feel we are "who we are" without our hair.
The self-esteem hit that someone takes when he is not himself is immense. For many, the pervasive effect this has on their life overall far exceeds the negative effect of any hair discrimination that may be thrown their way. For us, there is only one sane choice, and that is to be longhaired!
If I implied, in some way, that I wear my hair long to get a reaction from people, I sincerely apologize as it was not my intent to convey that kind of a message. I wear my hair long because I want to. It feels wonderful, I love the way it looks, and it's a lot of fun.
Indeed, it is. Thank the gods. :)
I can understand that. While I'm not a professional, what I'm hearing sounds to me like, rather than focusing on developing your own identity and self-worth from within yourself, you're relying on outside physical differences and statements that can be made through appearance to accomplish that distinction. I don't know. Not ever having been in this kind of a situation, I can't really understand what you've gone through, but I've known people in similar circumstances, and I've often found that a commonality between them is a sense of not really being able to connect with who they are due to the traumas they've had to deal with. This may sound kind of clicheic, but if you haven't already talked to a counselor, it might be able to do you some good so that you can develop the skills to be comfortable with you who are, regardless of how you may look.
Cutting your hair will not "neuter" you (where the hell did THAT come from?!). In fact, it won't do ANYTHING to you except give you less hair to comb.
true- to an extent. cutting your hair WILL change how others act toward you. alot of our self image is derived from how others act toward us... whether or not we choose to acknowledge this. it affects what we see when we look in the mirror. if i were to cut my hair, the image staring back in the looking glass would tend to depress me a bit. getting sheared to satisfy some executives opinion of what i should look like when i believe his or her opinion to be WRONG would eat at me every short haired day of my life... that i would go along with something that just isn't right... to reinforce someone's notion that they can exert such dominance over another's life.
Sure, hair can be a statement of your personality, and of who you see yourself as, but it isn't the complete definition OF who you are. There's a BIG difference there. If you don't feel that you would be the same person with short hair that you are with long hair, you've got some serious work to do on how you identify yourself and value the more tangible aspects of your personality, self worth, and identity.
very well put.
i doubt that hair completely defines anyone else's identity either.
kudos to you that you are secure enough with yourself that you would part with your hair so easily. those who have endured ridicule and discrimination in attaining long hair may not find the path to the barber such an easy walk. i certainly wouldn't allow my hair to stand in the way of having an income, but the decision to cut would be an extraordinarily difficult one.
i respect your well expressed opinion, but must differ. if i were to cut my hair for that 'dream job' i would be saying that it's ok for any corporate CEO to impose arbitrary rules of appearance in order to keep a job. hair length is a uniform component that cannot be removed once you go home. the selling point to securing a job should be work performance and reliability. hair policy should be limited to cleanliness and presentability- and safety concerns where applicable NOT that the man upstairs thinks men should have short hair.
excellent point- there's also more to job performance than the length of one's hair. it should be a non-issue.
When I decided to grow mine, I vowed to myself that I would never cut it unless I had absolutely no REASONABLE choice but to do so. I've grown it for 9 wonderful years without hitting any snags (it's waist-length now). I can only hope my luck doesn't run out. If it does, there's no question in my mind, my responsibilities come first.
absolutely well put. but- please don't trivialize other people's issues of identity as 'extremely immature' or 'irrational'. it is a singular trek we all take through life. hair length is one way some of us choose to define ourselves. in my mind it is absolutely wrong to be defined as a shorthair or longhair by anything but personal choice... certainly not by executive order!
yes. but dont fight it if it's part of what defines who you are. be yourself.
YOU exist ONLY in your heart and your mind.
you also exist in the hearts and minds of others... as well as the presence of God.
I'm sorry, Matthew, although I agree with most of what you said, there's some of it I didn't. You're obviously very mature and enlightened with the ability see things in a way that some of us need a little time to get to. Matthew is in college and I remember at that age when my physical appearance was very much part of my identity because we are just beginning to find out who we are and I felt very strong and passionate about many things going in life and my refusal to conform made me at times sound like a zealot.
Okay, I have calmed down a bit being in my 30s. I do believe that our spirit and our soul define who we are, but on the other hand I must admit that my physical appearance is very important to me and in a way does define me. Perhaps when I reach the "crone" stage of my life (or before, who knows) and I have had many more relevations and moments of profound enlightenment I can not care as much. I like the way I dress and wear my hair. I did wack my hair off a few years ago but that was only because it was damaged during my pregnancy, but no way would I do it to satisfy someone else. Now granted, I don't know how Chris feels about this, but I do feel in a situation calling for conformity that some sort of compromise could be reached. I have pulled my hair back and worn skirts and heels -- but only for the interview.
I do believe that there many instances in life where we are called upon to make a sacrifice of some kind, but I also believe that as we become more experienced and accomplished in life we can define our life by our decisions of what we will and won't do to get something. Say for instance, if I lost my job tomorrow would I be faced with having to do something I flat out believe is wrong to put food on the table. Cutting my hair, spreading my legs and other vileness. I believe that not to be an option as I believe when we work with the Universe (or whatever it is we believe in) then we can trust that things will work out for the best. The world works according to what we dictate. If one has long hair and believe the world will accept it then most of the world will, with a few exceptions not really worth mentioning. If you one is a long hair and finds the world a unaccepting of it, then thats the experiences that person will have. I appear just as unique as I did in my 20s, only now, I hardly have any negative experiences with people at all and those are all Californians who can't drive - but they can't drive in St. Louis either - I can't drive either, but at least I admit it. Anyway, I hardly have any negative experiences at all with people because I love and accept every part of me.
Here's hoping you and every other longhair will never have less hair to comb in order to feed their families,
Chaeya
What are you majoring in?
I have lurked on this board for a few months, and I still can't
believe what I am seeing. Before I found this board I thought that
all dress codes that forbid long hair on men (except in armies) were
the thing of dark ages (before seventies) or underdeveloped
countries. I don't think I've ever been to a school or workplace
with such codes.
It might of course be that people in areas and professions where
such dress codes are common are overepresented here, but still...
I wouldn't work for a place that forbids long hair or beards on
men, and I am not even a man. To me the whole idea is as shocking
as a workplace that would require breast implants for all women.
Even if you work for a place that requies suits and ties, if the
employer does not accept a ponytail as professional appearance
he/she is an asshole not worth working for.
Anyway, you all have my support even though it's not much help.
...Before I found this board I thought that
**************************************
Unfortunately, Grrr, we're now in the 1990's. In effect, the proverbial pendulum has swung to neo-conservatism. History predicts
we'll have at least one more go at leftism or liberalism, then back to
conservatism in the name of security and money.
We went through a period in the late 60's to early 70's, the time of the "Flower Children" when we were encouraged to "do our own thing", including wearing long hair. Then the public perceived that long-hairs weren't pulling their weight (not *my* perception), and that tax dollars and profits were being scattered about to support them. Corporations found they could move manufacturing to East Asia, where wages were low, male hair was "decently" short, and everyone was s-o-o-o-o-o-o prissy, courteous, ultra-neat, regimented, with a feudalistic social hierarchical, and ....well...*conser-r-r-r-rvative* in lifestyle. Employers found this an utter *joy*. They could have their cake and eat it too. Now, in recent years, they've moved some knowledge work, such as computer programming (the Y2K problems notwithstanding), engineering, product design, financial administration, and yes, even data entry in English, to Asia, while manufacturing has been moved even further down the income classes to the Third World, including Mexico. Despite the upsurge in hiring in "Americanada" in recent months, there are still so many unemployed, or under-employed at wages one half or less what they used to receive, all as a result of both the shifting of jobs to the lower wage world, and the implementing of automation to reduce the need for human labour, that it is now the employers' call on hiring, even at high skill and knowledge levels, such as programming, and the various engineering and bio- technologies.
People who do the hiring and supervising, and thus determine who is hired and keeps one's job, were conser-r-r-r-vative even *before* they acquired their positions, which is a major reason *why* they received the power and authority to hire and supervise. They are quite oriented to their companies' interests, and are trend followers, seldom trend-setters, and changed their attitude set to short hair for males, when so dictated by the fashion setters. So, today it's *short hair* for men, and sometimes "shortER* for females, or a person could lose his/her job. When long hair comes back, employers will once again relax the dress code. There may even be a shortage of workers, which could give rise to that.
As I see it, the only way to make it as likely for a long-hair to get and keep a *decent* job,as a shorter-haired person, is to form communities of long-hairs throughout Americanada, much like the Amish and Old Order Mennonites. (However, those communities have run into problems with the standard Americanadian communities who live alongside them.) They, and their old horse-drawn, cute hair, and cute clothes ways have survived nonetheless. If the standard communities don't cut us off, we could communicate via the Internet, and, as a sort of mutual care society, help the unemployed get jobs *within* the long-hair communities, if they can't do so on the outside. It would be a shame to throw skills away just because of one's hair length.
OM
P.S.: Watch for the enactment of Americanadian laws forbidding
long hair on males, as being "obscene", or "lewd", perhaps with
religious exemptions, to make such laws appear legitimate.
OM
True, true. But everything changes, the conservatism of the 1990s
is not the same as the conservatism of the 1950s. In my experience
long hair on men, earrings on men, buzzed hair on women, etc., are
becoming more mainstream - the people with any of the above that
I see around me are not usually any more liberal or leftist than
people I know on average.
My ex-boyfriend, who was and still is a bit more conservative
than average, has hair a couple of inches below his shoulders.
One of my bosses - the highest one I've ever seen in person -
has a long ponytail and a beard. I don't know if he is in any
way conservative, but at least I have seen him two or three times
in a suit and a tie, which is something I've never seen on my
short-haired male coworkers (or any other longhaired ones, for
that case).
I see where you are coming from. You live in Canada (at least
according to your email address) and are unemployed at the moment,
if I remember right from another post. Do you live in a conservative
area? Work in a conservative industry?
I am an American who moved to Finland. In the USA I used to live in
Boston, where attitude towards longhairs was probably better than
in many other places. In Helsinki the attitude is much better yet,
a lot of men have long hair and it's not a big deal.
I don't think it has much to do with conservatism though, or with
unemployment. Neoconservatism is here as well, and unemployment
is 12 percent and used to be 22. And of course in computer industry
(I work for a large telecommunications company) there is a shortage
of labor and they don't care what you look like, but it is not
uncommon to see a male bank teller with long hair, and I don't
think there is a shortage of them.
A few friends of mine went to work for a company that is known
for its extremely conservative dress code and had to wear suits,
but I don't think they gave any trouble to the guy who had long
hair.
Anyway... all this conversation just shows that different places
have different ways. Good luck with your jobhunting, anyway.
I hope you find a good employer who won't give you any trouble
about your hair.
Are there really such laws? Where?
Anyways, guys, I think long hair looks great on most men, and I
am sorry about all the asshole employers.
BTW, is there somewhere a list of companies that forbid long hair on male employees, so that one can boycott their products?
It seems like if I continue to post here, "Grrr" is a good handle.
I just felt compelled to respond to this particualr statement. I don't think that willingness to dress nice is any indication of political stance, if that is what you're getting at. I'm a moderate that leans slightly liberal, and I love dressing nice. I think that I look great in a suit. But that doesn't make me socially conservative.
Nice try, but your comparison doesn't work. Longhair doesn't require highly invasive surgery, nor is it the least bit dangerous to grow. Besides, women with large breasts tend to be regarded less seriously than women with small breasts do, so the idea of them having a better chance of being hired for a job is... well... rather preposterous, actually. However, I couldn't help noticing the way you worded the last sentence in that paragraph, which implies to me that such dress codes do exist. Am I correct in assuming you've seen a dress code (in writing) with that kind of requirement for women?
And we... thank you... for it.
Forcing someone to get a haircut is pretty invasive, even if it
is not dangerous. If you want comparisons to safer things, how
about a copmany that requires all employees to be in a particular
weight range (without any practical reason for it) or to have sex
with their supervisors once a month, or anything else safe but
invasive and bizarre.
Yes, I think I've already heard that somewhere. Reduction goes
just as well for the sake of the argument.
No. I've never seen any dress code (in writing) that would
require any kind of body modifications, to hair or otherwise.
However I have once been in a school (in then-USSR) where
our teacher once told me not to come to school "with breasts like that". I guess I was supposed to leave them home.
I don't think that the company where I work now has any dress code,
and neither did my previous three workplaces.
The term "invasive" is used when describing a procedure where work is done on the internal structure, components, or organs of the body, accessed through an incision, or other procedures which involve a puncturing of the skin. Having your hair cut does not involve any of the above.
One way to understand the difference would be to compare the situation to working on a computer. Changing your video card would be considered an invasive procedure on the computer because you have to open the case to access it. Changing the keyboard, however, is a non-invasive procedure since all work is done outside the case.
When it comes right down to it, the length of one's hair is purely a cosmetic detail. As I've said before, if one's sense of identity or self is so wrapped up in one's hair that the idea of cutting it is threatening to themselves in some way, there are a lot of other issues that need to be looked at. There's just no way that a rule at a company requiring short hair on men is even remotely comparable to any kind of surgical or invasive procedure, and my initial point was that to compare a requirement of a hair cut to a hypothetical requirement of breast implants is completely out of proportion.
Actually, the most appropriate comparison is more along the lines of a company that requires women to wear pantyhose, regardless of whether they're wearing skirts or slacks, and regardless of whether the woman wants to wear hose, is comfortable in hose, or has a personality that is condusive to wearing hose. My wife worked for a company that had such a rule, and believe me, she hates hose. She finds them to be restrictive and uncomfortable, and, in terms of fashion, does not consider hose to be an appropriate fashion excessory for herself, nor a personal statement she wishes to make. However, for her to pass up a job because they would require her to wear hose would be something that I would consider to be irresponsible unless there was another job option readily available that would allow her to not have to wear hose, and would allow for comparable earnings. She feels the same way about me and my hair.
If I had two different job offers with two different companies, one paid $13/hr and the other paid $15/hr, but the $15/hr job required short hair on men while the $13/hr job did not, she would have no problem with my taking the $13/hr job in order to keep my hair. My income would still be substantial enough to support us both, with the difference between the two wages not being significant enough to merit my taking the $15/hr job just to make more money than we need to live on -- from a practical stand point that is. If, however, the company would allow me to keep my hair, but only paid $10/hr, and the other one paid $15/hr, but required a hair cut, we would both agree that it would make more sense to take the higher paying job and sacrifice the long hair, as the $10/hr job would be inadequate for our needs. That right there is the sole defining point; making sure that we are able to take care of our responsibilities and make ends meet.
Well that's a relief.
LOL!! "Let's see... shall I wear the size A, or size D?"
Matthew fails to see the big difference between having to wear (or beeing banned from wearing) certain clothing items at your workplace and beeing forced to cut your hair by your employer: you may dress as you wish as long as you are not at work and it doesn't take more than a few minutes to change your clothes, but it takes months and years to grow long hair.
And I also disagree with Matthews' opinion that someone who considers long hair as part of his identity and would not renounce it for any reason should seek couselling. What about people who consider their political orientation or religious belief or philosophical conceptions or whatever as part of their identity - should they seek conselling too?
If Matthew is willing to trade his long hair for a better employment opportunity I don't have anything against it. What I don't accept is that Matthew gives an excuse to employers for discriminating against people for reasons that do not have anything to do with their professional qualifications.
Nick
bingo!
Political orientation, religious beliefs, and philosophical conceptions are internal, and are a great deal more difficult to change, depending on one's convictions. Clothing, et al, are EXTERNAL (what I was talking about in the first place). They're aspects of one's individual expression of identity that can change on a whim. (Key word: EXPRESSION, meaning DOESN'T FULLY REPRESENT) True, hair does take a great deal longer to grow than slipping on a pair of pantyhose, but it still shouldn't be the sole factor upon which how one makes important decisions in life. Nor should it be internalized. It's a friggin' *fashion* statement for gods' sake!
A lot of this has to do with priorities. Religious beliefs and political views are an intrinsic part of an individual's personality. If you change your religion, or change your political views, you change your personality to a great extent. Someone who's a liberal is not going to be the same as they would be if they became a convervative; someone who's a Christian will be different than if they were to become a Pagan. But someone who walks into a beauty salon and has 8 inches cut off of their hair is still going to be the same person when they walk out of the salon. They will look different, but the way they perceive the world, their values, their beliefs, their behavior, and all of the other ineffable qualities that define a personality will be the same. There hair's just shorter.
When I talk about priorities, I'm talking about the idea that we all have to make choices as to what sacrifices we are willing to make. It is impossible for anyone to have everything they want. When an employer starts setting restrictions on appearance, then a person has to make a choice to either comply with the employer's rules, or to find another job. For me, my priority is taking care of my family because this is something that is important to me as a core part of my values. If my boss were to ask me to change something that was an intrinsic part of who I truly am - those things mentioned above - then I have to decide how important of a part of who I am that particular aspect is. If it's something like my religious beliefs, or my political views, that, in changing, would change me, then odds are good I would find another job. If it's something, however, like my hair, that is something I consider important, but realize does not define who I am, and that, without, I would still be the same person I am, then I'd probably choose the job.
Refusing to make a modification that could cost me my job, but which would not fundamentally change who I am, would, to me, be something that indicates a lack of maturity, or an insecurity with my own self perception to an extent where I would feel that I seriously needed help to correct.
Identity is like the air we breathe: we never think of it until someone deprives us of it. When that should happen, we suddenly notice how important it is, and we fight for it with all we have. This is because it is in our identity that our sense of personhood rests.
Some people go through life never giving their identity any thought, because by the luck of the draw they get an identity that is so common that they are never discriminated against. Such people are also prone to trivialize identity clashes, because like their need for air, their identity needs have always been accommodated.
Identity is a concept held in the brain, which is about as internal as one can get. I've had a longhair identity for half a century, and despite constant pummeling on the issue, that never changed. My longhair identity is as deepseated as my male identity is. Some identity items are a bit more malleable than others, and the examples you gave, though quite unchangeable, are more easily changed than others - people do take up new religions sometimes, for instance. My longhair identity is less malleable than that. It is very permanent. Identity items that are part of the native human form, like one's sex and long hair, unlike creations of society like religion, tend to be that way.
As for me, my brain owns my body, not the other way around, so the internal takes control of the external. I would have great trouble wearing a skirt all the time, 24/7, because my boss demanded it, wearing a yarmulke all the time because my boss demanded it, or wearing an SS uniform with a swastika armband all the time because my boss demanded it. Don't expect me to believe you wouldn't bat an eye at such things, because, hey, these are external!
I would rebel at such suggestions, because these things, like short hair, run counter to my identity.
Fifty years is a mighty long whim. "Identity" and "whim" are opposites, of course - the dictionary definition of "identity" limits it to items with "persistence". So there's no such thing as an "expression of identity that can change on a whim."
For you it no doubt is. The point, however, is that it is not a mere fashion statement for everyone. When something is a matter of identity, one will adhere to it even if he knows it is out of fashion. Identity is far more important to the human psyche than being in style.
I assure you that "the way I perceive the world", "my behavior", and "my personality", along with my self-esteem, underwent a major shift when I finally grew out my hair. I now realize that, without my hair, I always felt like I was not me, I felt ashamed, and I felt incredibly ugly. I was never comfortable in public, and I seldom socialized or went out. Having my hair, for the first time in my life I feel good about myself. For the first time in my life I go out in public often, and for the first time in my life I enjoy it.
How true, and being a member of any minority identity is not easy. In choosing to keep my hair I am choosing to keep myself, because I have learned that I have to live my life, and my life is to be as a man with long hair. I can choose to be myself or to not be myself, but I only have one "myself" available to choose, and it is one with long hair. I have been a longhair inside, in my brain, since my earliest memory, and I assure you that at age five this was nothing I chose. It was nothing I chose at age six. Or seven. And I won't bore you with counting to fifty-two....
As for making choices, having to choose between being yourself or not over a harmless identity trait is a choice no man should be forced to make. At this point in time we have laws protecting some identity charactersitics but not others, and hopefully someday that will change. In the meantime, all we can do is accept the imperfect world the way it is, advocate for change to the extent we have energy for that, and make the choices that will enable us to best thrive. For some of us, to "be myself without discrimination" is not one of the choices presented, so we must choose between "be myself with discrimination" or "not be myself".
Identity items of course do define who you are. They are the persistent things that pertain to your sense of personhood. Thus, for the same reasons, I would choose my hair.
Oh, I went the counseling route. I had several who couldn't get anywhere with me when I was shorthaired because they never picked up on the fact that what I needed was to have my hair. And I've had one since, a guy who has the right credentials and who understands identity, proclaim me to be completely mentally healthy once my hair was long. Having my hair has made a world of difference for me; it has changed my life. So I was not surprised at this.
In my book, my health comes first, and no job is worth losing my mental health over. What is a fashion statement for you is an identity item for me. Faced with a choice, you will choose your job and I will choose my hair. We will both be doing what is best for ourselves the way we are, and that is mentally healthy behavior on the part of both of us.
you have spoken most eloquently bill... but i feel that your attempts to persuade nyghtfall (matthew) are in vain. perhaps mr. hutchinson is teaching us all that the 'fashion' longhair does not accept that having long hair can be part of someone's identity. his arguments sound remarkably close to those who believe that long hair is a phase that we should eventually 'grow out of'. though i do not agree with much of what he says, i do accept his differences of opinion. i find it quite remarkable that someone of his mindset has been able and willing to keep his hair as long (time and length) as he has.
Yeah, we've tried to understand where he is coming from, but it is beginning to look like he is unable to reciprocate. None of us have even sought to persuade him to take our position, only to understand it, yet he is hell bent on trying to persuade us to take his. Like you, I feel further dialog with him would be a waste of time better spent on those who want two-way communication with others.
Hey Chris,
I certainly symphathize with you and understand your fire and spirit. You may mellow out with age and you may not, but I understand your anger. I too dislike when people get together and discuss my future without involving me -- its not like we have an addiction problem and cannot be approached. On the other hand, I understand your mom's intentions, I would feel the same way - y'know, like my daughter wanting to be ultra-conservative thinking it the only way she could succeed in life. I'm 35 and my mom was reading me the riot act last week about my decision to go into real estate being a single mom. Nearly 20 years ago she was reading me the riot act about having purple hair and dog collar. They never stop. I just don't listen and she knows I don't listen, so let her talk. I love my mom dearly, but if I followed her advice I'd still be living in St. Louis working at some boring accounting firm. Regardless of your field, you can get a job just by sheer will alone.
A while back I told of how one temp agency told me I would never work at a law firm because my hair was too wild at the time. A week later another temp firm got me a job at a law firm. I got constant pressure to tone down my dress and my hair and I frankly told them they could fire me. They didn't for the simple fact that I always came in on time and hardly took any sick time. I always was the one to stay late when everyone ran out the door at 5:30 and I knew the computers and software better than anyone else there. I didn't do this for them, I did it for the overtime, plus I didn't get hounded whenever I wanted to take time off. This firm let me off for three months to go to Europe and then hired me back. So if you keep your hair, make yourself a damn good employee. The same firm hired me back after a 5 year stay in Europe.
However, you are into graphics so I'm pretty sure you want have a problem with your hair. I was at the hospital with my daughter last week and I spotted two longhairs working there. One guy had a ponytail nearly down to his waist.
Good luck!
Chaeya
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You're always such an inspiration, Chaeya, both here, and on the LongLocks list! I'm unemployed right now, and am having difficulty
getting work, even though my hair is currently short (which I will eventually grow out to maximum length). But, as many have said on this Board, if one is VERY good at the job, which I gather you are, one can retain the job simply because of one's productivity, whether the hair is long or short.
OM
aq093@freenet.carleton.ca
Thanks for the compliment! I always found unemployment a great time to reevaluate my position and my goals. Perhaps a career change is in the offing? It may not be easy if you have to put food on the table, but very worth it in the long run. Here's a lead if you're interested. My boyfriend was approached by a gentleman at the music store where he works and offered to get him into doing loans. He also stated that he could keep his long hair. If you a fast paced office is to your liking, doing loans can net you a nice salary. Good fortune!
Chaeya
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Thanks, for the suggestion on doing loans, Chaeya. I'll have to
find out what this job entails, ie., whether it would be with a
finance company, a bank, or whatever, but it's worth thinking about.
OM
There are banks, but then there are a lot of privately owned companies doing them. You will have to get a real estate license which entails taking a Real Estate Principles course. If you have a B.A. or higher and took the course in college you may be able to get the license, I'm not sure about that. Most of the jobs are commission-only and it takes about 3 to 4 months to realistically get the ball rolling. You have to pump a lot as you have to establish yourself, but if you have a lot of energy and like that type of atmosphere, the cherry on top is a nice commission and nice length of hair. Just really check out the company before you get involved because some of them don't do that well, so look at how many loans they close and if they have more than one person getting all the loans closed as that person may have a private connection.
Chaeya
Your subject "Get this" was an excellent topic which provided lots of valuable interaction. It also gave me a lot about which to reflect. But when Matthew Hutchinson sent his response my reaction was "I don't want to hear this! I wouldn't want to once more face making the decision to cut my hair for a job". It forced me to reevaluate such a decision. For a long time one of my fears has been if my job was eliminated or my department closed, what would I do about my hair? My fear was that because of my age and the need to find another job I would have to cut it short. Then I read the responses from others which presented other viewpoints. I liked Chaeya's approach that if you go in with the viewpoint that hair is not an issue, it probably never will become one. It's only if you are offered a job with the requirement that you cut your hair that you would have to make the final decision. My approach now would be that I would not cut my hair based on the fear that I would not be accepted with it long. I'll face the cut issue only if it presents itself.
I do have a question for you, and that is how long is your hair now? How much would you have to give up? If it's down to your waist, then a lot, right? Still, even one year's growth takes one year to grow back and for some of us that is as unaceptable as five or six years. Such a decision cannot be made lightly. Until you have to face that decision, it is better to assume it won't become an issue. That in itself could prevent you from facing the dreaded short hair prospect.
As I responded to you in another thread "Why I Have Long Hair", you probably won't need to face the question of cutting your hair in the Graphic Design field (even in the conservative central valley)! After all, we are in an "artistic" field and people almost expect us to be a bit different. You're an artist dude, you walk to a different drummer! And you are good at what you do, right? Be the best. Have the best portfolio. Stand out from the crowd! Go to interviews dressed well and then your hair won't be as likely to stand out. Then you can be yourself and they will see that. And, after the interview, be sure to send a thank you letter! Most candidates do not send one and it helps you stand out as someone of worth. Plus, it also gives you a chance to say one more time why they should hire YOU!
Do you know Photoshop? Illustrator? Freehand? PageMaker? Quark Xpress? Know as many of those programs as possible. And don't forget web design. As a designer you have a distinct advantage because you can put together professionally designed web pages that look good and are functional as well. The web is a great opportunity. Check out ENVISION 25 (May 20-22 in Sacramento) sponsored by the Art Director's and Artists Club (www.adac.org). Make lots of contacts and network, network, network.
If all else fails, you could get that minimum wage job. But if you do, you can also do freelance work. It's not easy, but perhaps it might even develop into your own design studio. And if you have your own studio you can hire anyone you want, even a guy with longhair!
Do you realize you are not just another "cookie cutter" guy who must conform to the "hair" standards that seem to be so valued by our society. You are liberated enough that you wear your hair long. And, you are free to be yourself and be your best, without needing to look like everyone else. So go for it. And again, GOOD LUCK! We expect to hear good things about you.
I made a mistake in formatting on the first copy of this message. I APOLOGIZE. This should be better!
Your subject "Get this" was an excellent topic which provided lots of valuable interaction. It also gave me a lot about which to reflect. But when Matthew Hutchinson sent his response my reaction was "I don't want to hear this! I wouldn't want to once more face making the decision to cut my hair for a job". It forced me to reevaluate such a decision. For a long time one of my fears has been if my job was eliminated or my department closed, what would I do about my hair? My fear was that because of my age and the need to find another job I would have to cut it short. Then I read the responses from others which presented other viewpoints. I liked Chaeya's approach that if you go in with the viewpoint that hair is not an issue, it probably never will become one. It's only if you are offered a job with the requirement that you cut your hair that you would have to make the final decision. My approach now would be that I would not cut my hair based on the fear that I would not be accepted with it long. I'll face the cut issue only if it presents itself.
I do have a question for you, and that is how long is your hair now? How much would you have to give up? If it's down to your waist, then a lot, right? Still, even one year's growth takes one year to grow backdreaded short hair prospect.
As I responded to you in another thread "Why I Have Long Hair", you probably won't need to face the question of cutting your hair in the Graphic Design field (even in the conservative central valley)! After all, we are in an "artistic" field and people almost expect us to be a bit different. You're an artist dude, you walk to a different drummer! And you are good at what you do, right? Be the best. Have the best portfolio. Stand out from the crowd! Go to interviews dressed well and then your hair won't be as likely to stand out. Then you can be yourself and they will see that. And, after the interview, be sure to send a thank you letter! Most candidates do not send one and it helps you stand out as someone of worth. Plus, it also gives you a chance to say one more time why they should hire YOU!
Do you know Photoshop? Illustrator? Freehand? PageMaker? Quark Xpress? Know as many of those programs as possible. And don't forget web design. As a designer you have a distinct advantage because you can put together professionally designed web pages that look good and are functional as well. The web is a great opportunity. Check out ENVISION 25 (May 20-22 in Sacramento) sponsored by the Art Director's and Artists Club (www.adac.org). Make lots of contacts and network, network, network.
If all else fails, you could get that minimum wage job. But if you do, you can also do freelance work. It's not easy, but perhaps it might even develop into your own design studio. And if you have your own studio you can hire anyone you want, even a guy with longhair!
Do you realize you are not just another "cookie cutter" guy who must conform to the "hair" standards that seem to be so valued by our society. You are liberated enough that you wear your hair long. And, you are free to be yourself and be your best, without needing to look like everyone else. So go for it. And again, GOOD LUCK! We expect to hear good things about you.
Third time is the charm, right? I made another mistake, and yes, I'm embarrassed. This replaces the second paragraph which is missing some key sentences: