new thread
So today at work (I work part time in a Library) this lady and her kid who looks around 6 or 7 years old come up to the desk. While I’m making an inquiry on the computer I hear the kid whisper something to her [inaudible]. The lady then says to her kid “Go on, ask him”. So I’m thinking “ahh, he’s too shy to ask me for a book he’d like...cute”.
The lady then says to me, “He wants to know if you’re a boy or a girl”
??!!
“oh, I’m a boy [man]” I said with a smile...but inside I was thrown.
This caught me totally off guard. I mean, at this stage I’m becoming pretty efficient at fielding long hair teases off the hip - but this was definitely something new.
Had he actually thought I was a girl?? I have side burns and that day hadn’t shaved in around two days...but maybe kids don’t know to look for this stuff.
Anyway, the lady says “I knew you wouldn’t mind if I asked...I’m sure you’ve heard worse”. ‘A little presumptuous of you’ I thought to myself...but I said yes...because I had. She then says, you know it’s just that so many guys wear there hair short he just assumed that short is for boys and long is for girls. ‘Thought provoking’ I erm...thought.
Not an unpleasant incident...just something new.
Thought I’d share.
An interesting post... Hopefully that new generation will grow up with that girl's realization that long hair is not a trait exclusive to females.
I have had the same thing. This one kid that my mum babysits thought I was a girl for a whole week before I corrected him. Never (hardly) happens with adults. Kids are just ignorant. Obviously you don't look like a girl, as the woman had no trouble working it out.
Don't let it get to you.
if you're unable to make the distinction between ignorance and idiocy, well...
you're an idiot ;)
I've never had kids think I was a girl, but I've certainly had them think I was Santa Claus!
Young kids are not the most astute, but they are learning, and you can't fault the little ones for asking. That's part of learning, which is their "job" at that age. Some have asked me at point blank range, and I can see that mom or dad is flustered at the surprise of hearing their child's posing that question to a stranger. I've been told that when I was a child I pulled a "Mister, why are you all BLACK!" much to my father's chagrin. We had no black people in my town, so the man who we had encountered was an exciting curiosity!
The reactions of my father and of those with the Santa Claus comments in tow are normal parental reactions. When the parent "sees it coming", as in the situation being discussed here, normal parents wish to avoid chagrin and embarrassment. They take the child aside, or they promise to explain it later. It's not the obligation of a man in a wheelchair to educate every surprised child who comes across his path. That obligation falls upon each child's parents.
The parent you encountered was flouting social decorum and she surely knew it. We have a four letter word for such people. It is "rude".
I ignore rude people. The child was too young to know better, and he was just doing what children do - asking wide-eyed questions about the world he is discovering. So what I do in such circumstances is ignore the rude parent altogether and just speak pleasantly to the innocent child.
An added plus to this approach is that as a result, that child may just grow up with a far better attitude about longhairs than that of his parent.
Kids aren't idiots, they just don't know any better because the proper information hasn't been put into their heads yet. They aren't born knowing everything. It's uncomfortable when things like this happen, but it should serve as a learning experience for the kid (I hope). The kid's mother, however, IS an idiot. I think it's pathetic that, in this day and age, that people are still so closed-minded as to think that long hair belongs exclusively on girls. And it's not just kids either. When I go out with my long haired friend and we're sitting in a restaurant, the server will come up to us and go "Hello ladies." He just kind of shrugs it off...we still haven't figured out what to say in that situation (but we don't tip, haha). If and when I have children, my sons will have long hair and my daughters will understand that long haired boys are not abnormal. I just hope I don't make them prejudiced against shorthairs!
I wish there was some initiative to educate children about this topic...maybe like a children's book or something. Why is it ok to discriminate against men with long hair, but one racial comment gets you all but arrested? Neither situation is correct, and people ought to understand that. I'm glad it wasn't me sitting there, because that kid's mother would have gotten an earful! Parents really need to raise their children better, it's getting atrocious.
~Jenn
.....that kids are a reflection of their parents. I wouldn't have faulted the child here. I would have corrected the parent. Long hair on guys is still around, just as short hair is on women. Equality is still a two way street? Right? Also, if you read the definition of "male" or "female" in the Dictionary, the description for both sexes does not mention hair length whatsoever. Even the medical symbol for "male" and "female" does not have hair as a feature. And how do we determine the sex of a newborn baby at birth? By looking at the hair on the head? I hope not!!! Anyway, you can't judge a person's sex by hair style alone anymore.
You know they are fools.
(Obviously the statement was not serious by the way). It's natural for kids to act like that when they encounter something they are not used to, like Bill's account of meeting a black guy, it happens for all kinds of things, I've seen kids reacting similarly in their first encounter with a person with glasses etc.
However, if the parent continues to raise the child as bad as she obviously seems to be doing so, then yes, the child will have a better chance of turning into an idiot himself.
It's too bad...
Being mistaken for a female happens to me all the time, as I'm sure it happens to all of us.. not just with children, with adults too. But I feel proud that I get a chance to open the minds of the children who have obviously never thought that a man can have long hair. Hopefully some of them will question the rest of their assumptions too.
what kind of mom lets there son or daughter ask someone a question like that?
thats rude as hell that mother is an idiot
Since it sounds like the mother was 'jabbing' you, I would almost have been tempted to have said..."Oh, I'm a girl. I just didn't shave my face today like your mom did."
I'd say you used good self-control. I've had complete strangers make nasty comments to me. I remember one time I held the door open for this old guy going into the library and then he had the nerve to make a disparaging comment.
Uusually I try not to be snide in return but it can be hard.
that kid was probably autistic or some kind of tard... of not you should have melted him down and got a new false tooth... likr the rappers do with gold ;) j/k
Was your back to them when they approached you?
Was your back to them when they approached you?
No; they were directly infront of me. In fact the seat was lowered, so my head was tilted up slightly and in affect my hair had fallen off my face.
I think it's great that she had the kid talk to you. He/She will remember that experience much more than the mom saying "it's a boy honey." From what you descrived, no offense was meant and some people are extroverts by nature and like to SAY whats on their mind and explore the unknown and learn better this way. You are probably the opposite and have an introverted personality as you mentioned twice the comments you THOUGHT to yourself but did not express. Neither is right or wrong, just different ways of thinking. Regardless, im sure she meant no harm and the kid is stuck in a society where it ISNT common for males to have long hair and by asking you she learned something she probably will never forget!
I think it's great that she had the kid talk to you. He/She will remember that experience much more than the mom saying "it's a boy honey."
Actually the kid was too shy to speak. The conversation was just between her and i.
From what you descrived, no offense was meant and some people are extroverts by nature and like to SAY whats on their mind and explore the unknown and learn better this way.
Yeah, I did get the impression no offense was intended and she just wanted to discuss the subject...maybe I should have directed her here. :)
You are probably the opposite and have an introverted personality as you mentioned twice the comments you THOUGHT to yourself but did not express. Neither is right or wrong, just different ways of thinking.
I wouldn’t say I’m introverted...its just I was at work and as I said a little thrown by the comment. If the incident had of occurred outside work hours I may have got more involved...but I didn’t want to risk her complaining had she taken any comment the wrong way.
Regardless, im sure she meant no harm and the kid is stuck in a society where it ISNT common for males to have long hair and by asking you she learned something she probably will never forget!
Yeah – I do believe no malice was intended. I do hope we both have learned from the experience.
It seems pretty weird. Something about it doesn't quite seem right, but on balance it's probably better coming from you than from the parent.
It reminds of a little girl with her mother in a department store who asked me if I liked having long hair. I told her I did and asked her if she did too (she also had long hair), to which she replied yes. I think that kind of thing is somewhat worthwhile.
If we want to kill off stereotypes, we can only really do that by getting through to kids. When they grow up it may be too late. The mother was a bit taken aback, I think because her daughter was talking to a stranger, but smiled when she heard what I said.
Of course, we can't really launch some kind of campaign to change kids point of view. We would just get mistaken for perverts of some kind. Some of us have kids of our own, though. At least we can influence them.
Hey elektros, who says we can't launch some kind of campaign? :-D
I like to catch them before they form lifelong opinions about what kinds of hair men are "supposed" to have. Sure saves on reteaching later on. My almost five to six-year-old students are being churned out at a rate of about 25 per year with positive views of long haired (and extrordinarily long haired) men. In kindergarten the kids are learning to read and one of the tools I use are a set of inflatable "Letter People" that are male and female. The 13 guys have a great variety of hairstyles including two with long hair. Mr. G has gooey gum stuck in his ponytailed hair held by a large oval barrette and Mr. H, my favorite letter person, has his "Happy Hair" loose down his back. :-)))
Anybody can buy letter people to teach diversity but I bring a bit more long hair appreciation into the classroom than most. It is my great pleasure to know some really caring long haired guys that were kind enough to help me with a school project. On a recent trip I decided to keep a travel journal just like I ask the kids to do when they miss school. The class knew I was off to San Francisco to see some "long hair friends" and they suggested Mr. H go with me, he was on their minds particularly because I had introduced him to the class that day. It made sense to them that the long hair letter person would fit in at the get together.
Well, after class Mr. H was deflated and stuffed in my backpack for travel. My travel journal became a PowerPoint book about *his* trip and he came out at the airport and two of the dinners for photo taking and of course as a longhair, being admired. :-) The highlight of his trip was the shot of all the guys together for a back view to best show off all their hair.
I shared all the photos with the kids upon my return and the questions were not about hair on the men but what Mr. H ate for dinner. Long hair is that unremarkable a thing to them and I think that is wonderful. I can't take all the credit for the everydayness of long hair on men to them though, our music teacher has a short curly ponytail and he is one of their favorite teachers they see during the week.
Elizabeth
some photos from my trip presentation (last one is my favorite)
Keep up the good work. The 'letter people' sound really cool.
I think that unfortunately nowadays any approach to a child by a man is automatically suspect.
You know, coincidentally, the music teacher at our children's elementary school has long hair. One of the other parents mistook me for him at a school event once. I guess he figured since I had long hair and a beard I fit the description, so I must be the music teacher!
Elizabeth, in that last photo on the right, is that a man with that super length hair (knees? Hes got a manly way of standing. Hes gorgeous, and I cant even see his face. Who is he and wheres he been all this time. Got any more pictures of him? thanks, Reeva
Hello Reeva,
Yes, those are all guys, and swoony ones at that, even more so from the front. While I have a particular adoration for the one on the left, I will admit his longer haired friend is also quite attractive in person. As for identity, I shall only say the one that caught your eye is a friend of Mr. H. Keep your eyes open though, this man wears his hair visible when out and about in the world so you never know when you might spot him again. The chance to see and compliment or even converse with such men in person is so much more rewarding than photos can ever be. If not in person, admiring and then complimenting the men participating on this board are enjoyable activities too.
Elizabeth
Blame the parent, not the child. It is not the boy's perception that is the problem here but the mother's attitude. The kid probably did notice some of your features that indcate masculinity, hence the question. If you only looked like a girl to them there would have been no need to ask. Kids are still shaky on cause and effect at this age, they can think that sitting in a wheelchair makes your legs stop working. In a similar way they might think a boy becomes a girl if their hair gets longer or a girl becomes a boy if they try on daddy's tie.
When there are so many adults running around out there not knowing long hair is for men it should be no surprise that a young child does not know yet that boys' hair grows just a well as a girl's. Some on this board bemoan the lack of long haired males around them so it is understandable that this child may know of no men with long hair. When short hair on a woman is called a boyish cut there is a cultural expectation at work here that the child should not be held responsible for.
I would have handled that child's question this way. We would go to another part of the libray and discuss what they saw that made them wonder along with considering how that person at the desk would feel if we asked them if they are a boy or girl. Even preschoolers have empathy so he certainly would have known the question could be uncomfortable. The parent knew S is a guy, "let's ask HIM," so there was no need for S to be comsulted. That was knowingly inappropriate on her part as she acknowledged yet persisted. Next time it might be interesting to not answer and instead ask the child what they think. Could be the start of an informative discussion all around.
Elizabeth
My first name is indeed Elizabeth, I think quite highly of myself, and am a history fan.
I have wondered about your name too. Any chance it means "handsome long dark hair?" :-)
Monarch in her own right,
Elizabeth
________________________
I`m sorry I didnt see your post, it goes so fast.
Thanks for the compliment but my name simply means "history", no kidding, so if you are a history fan ;-)
I thought you'd be too busy entertaining that couple from America to be posting here ! Thanks anyway your Maj.
PS Completely off-topic : the UK papers today are full of a story about a security breach at Buckingham Palace. The funniest bit was when it showed the Queen's breakfast table and that she has her cereals out of Tupperware. Well it made me laugh anyway.
Well THIS queen doesn't eat her cereal out of Tupperware! :-P
Tarikh, you have me smiling in delight at your name. Thanks for the explanation. :-)
Elizabeth Regina, The Empress of Maine, who eats breakfast out of Bananas in Pyjamas segemented melamine
You`re welcome
That is exactly what I would have done.
A child that age, and the world we live in today of so many short-haired men naturally was curious. But kids rather go with the flow so easily, and after the explaination most likely dismissed "long Hair" on men from his mind. OR: It just might be that the "Long-Hair Bug" is going to be in his mind? He could very well (now that he has seen you) espire to have longer hair himself. Kind of harmless I think.
Many are right here.
Elizabeth is right in saying to blame the parents.
They grow their children to believe that every thing should be the same. They dont teach them that people are different.
They dont teach their children that there is a heart in every one of us.