new thread
Below is what I thought was a good response in an advice column found in today's Washington Post.
Al
Dear Tell Me About It:
I'm married to my second husband, and my 13-year-old son from the first marriage lives with us. For some reason, my son's long hair has always gotten on my husband's nerves. He teased and harassed my son about it constantly. I recently returned from a week-long business trip to find my son sporting a crew cut short enough to make the Marine Corps proud. My husband had dragged the boy to a barbershop and forced him to get his beloved hair cut off.
Now my son is near tears whenever my husband declares the crew cut is
"what he'll wear from now on." He says it's none of my husband's business because he's not his real father, and I feel I'm being shoved into taking sides. Do you think my husband went too far?
– Michigan
I think your husband is taking the expression "messing with his head" a tad literally. Here's a clue, ma'am: By waiting till you were away, your husband made it clear he knew he was going too far.
But make no mistake, this has nothing whatsoever to do with hair. This
has to do with your husband's need for dominance, and he's satisfying it by the most weaselly means available: The more he belittles your already fragile adolescent son, the bigger he feels. Bully for him.
You resent having to take sides, but I'd resent any SOB who felt entitled to "tease and harass" my son. You're a mother; your duty is to your kid.
Which means – ding ding ding, no sleeping through this part – your
current, former or any future husband comes a not-even-close second. An adult can take care of himself; a child needs an advocate, and if a parent won't stand up for him, who on earth has he got?
That's why a healthy affection for your son should have been required of any prospective husband.
Whoops.
This adversarial stepfather, by harassing your little Samson, has now
taught him that adults are arbitrary and cruel, that any small attempt at individuality is grounds for ridicule and that home is not a safe haven for him. By not putting a quick end to the harassment, you've taught him that he's facing these unpleasant truths alone.
Surprise surprise, he's rejecting his stepfather. How long before he blames you for bringing this guy home? The last thing you want – any of us wants – is a full-blown teenager with nothing but spite for the adults in his life. And a driver's license. Ugh.
Un-teach this. Now.
If your husband can't grasp the difference between a father, who tries to correct errors for the good of his child, and a bully, who feels entitled to correct anything any way he damn pleases, you have two choices: He changes, or you leave. When Samson grows up, you can capitulate to this guy till death for all I care; right now, though, your son is 13, he's on the ramp to Deeply Screwed Up and he's gaining speed. You must step in. Insist that your husband accompany you to parenting classes. If he goes, it's a good sign; if he improves, even better. If he's not willing even to try, what does that tell you? What does that tell your son?
Watch a wildlife show. Among lions, a new dominant male will methodically kill any cubs he finds still with their mothers. He wants to be the only father around.
The newspapers are full of stories of child abuse by "mom's new boyfriend" Make no bones about it, a forced haircut is child abuse.
The haircut is just the first part, next will be further abuse based on the kid mourning his lost body part. You know..." Only a sissy would cry over his hair"
Set this bum straight before it's too late.
dave s
the response as quoted brought back more than a few memories of my own childhood.... not hair per se; i was never allowed to grow mine out; but of a father's 'bully' style of parenting and a mother's unwillingness to protect her children. the columnist's response couldn't have been more on target... except that the husband probably won't change. that kind of behavior reeks of that old fashioned 'king of the castle' mentality. His Majesty would not likely capitulate to any suggestion his 'lowly wife' would have concerning her son. she should throw the king into the moat. too bad that mom couldn't somehow gain access to this board.
I cannot say anything more to the point than the post follows .This is a sick man you mareried, and YOU need to have him seek counceling or you will be solely responceable for the effects this sick individule will cause your son. : the response as quoted brought back more than a few memories of my own childhood.... not hair per se; i was never allowed to grow mine out; but of a father's 'bully' style of parenting and a mother's unwillingness to protect her children. the columnist's response couldn't have been more on target... except that the husband probably won't change. that kind of behavior reeks of that old fashioned 'king of the castle' mentality. His Majesty would not likely capitulate to any suggestion his 'lowly wife' would have concerning her son. she should throw the king into the moat. too bad that mom couldn't somehow gain access to this board.
@@@@There are too many macho guys out there with their little narrow minds partially turned on. Macho SUCKS, he needs to get a life and turn down the little ego.
That's woman's got a second husband whose ass I'd kick for free! My question is, where is the kid's real father? If someone did that to MY son, he'd get a sound head-shaving of his own. Or at least I'd try to get custody of my son based on allegations (all true) of harrassment and abuse. Or, if nothing else, I'd ask my son if he wanted to move into my residence (I think the age of choice in that matter is 15 or 16, isn't it?). Anyway, as a victim of verbal abuse at the hands of my stepfather when I was young, my heart goes out to the young man in question. I'm just lucky my abuse was never physical; that's not to say that the verbal wasn't certainly damaging, though. I'm currently in therapy and have inter-personal problems. As for the kid's mother, why she takes the stance (or lack of it) that she takes is anyone's guess. Many women, after a divorce, feel like they're not worth much, and measure their worth by having a man in their lives. Some go for the first man who pays them attention.
That man is not always a good man, either. Many women have the illusion that they can change men, too. "Oh, he's bad now, but I can save him" is often their attitude, but it rarely ,if ever, works. Watch a movie called "This Boy's Life", and you'll see what I mean. It's the true story of author Jack Wolf, and the abuse patterns are all too familiar when considering this advice column letter. As for the "king of the castle" theory, so-called "men" like this 13-year-old's stepfather are not fit to be kings. A king looks after his people, protects and guides them. This man in the advice column, however, is a mere barbarian.
A king looks after his people, protects and guides them. This man in the advice column, however, is a mere barbarian.
He's not just a barbarian; he's also a barber-ian! Even Worse!!
Boy, did this fry an egg on my forehead. I thought the response was excellent. What I found interesting is that this woman did not heed the clues that were going on before her husband pulled this one. If a man even thought of criticizing my kid's hair length I would have gotten him straightened out right away. If he dared to pull a cutting while I'm away session then he would find himself out on his butt. I doubt I would have attracted such a man anyway.
"Tell him what he's won, Bob!"
A divorce.
Sorry, some things I'm just not gonna be in the mood to talk out or work out -- its get out. This woman should get her priorities straight.
Chaeya
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I'm with you 100% on this one, Chaeya.
OM