new thread
Ok, a little of topic here, but I figured other longhairs might be able to relate. Or have a similar experience, and advice
Anyway, I am 25 and live on the west coast, I haven't really met anyone out here worth meeting, and few women out here notice me at all, they go for the standard trendy spike, buzz guys.
So anyway, when I was in college, I made a very good friend, a women in one of my classes, she is a few years older than me, but we became good friends, allthough nothing sexual, just good friends. Anyway, I have allways seemed to be the guy she would go to to cry on when all her relationships were a problem, I am sure somebody knows about this.
So anyway, just recently we talked on the phone for a few hours, and then she sent me an email, about how much she misses me, and how easy I am to talk with, and that she wishes I would come and visit so she could get a date with me, she want's to know what it might be like to go out with me, ect.
Problem is she lives about as far away as possible, the east coast. Now I can afford to go visit, but I don't know what to think or say.
Because, she has allways expressed this big desire to get married and have a family, it is very important to her, which I am not sure I want to do yet, and I don't want to ruin a friend ship.
But the problem for me, is that I too enjoy her company, from what I remeber we allways had a good time together, able to laugh at each other and ourselves, and is somebody I could respect and be happy with. But I am just worried that it is because she is desperate or lonely, or both. I know she isn't wild about my hair, she tried to talk me into cutting it off years ago.
The last thing I want to do is make a mistake, and get hurt or hurt someone.
Advice appreciated.
I'll comment only because you seek input. Please remember these are my thoughts soley based on what I have read:
BEWARE..............YOU ARE BEING USED AS HER "FREE" SHRINK! She is extremely unstable. To persue will only mean extreme HURT TO YOUSELF! Let her find someone else to cry on and not ruin part of your life. In the meantime, just mind your own business and someone will (when least expected) automically "pop-up!" :-) Good Luck
I am a woman so here is a woman's perspective: This appears to be a tough situation. If you feel the need to see her; as with any new person that you meet my advice would be to take your time and see what the person is about and to trust your "intuition." I don't agree with Justin about "when you least expect it, you will meet someone." It's easy to meet people; but extremely difficult meeting the right person. I think it takes being open and honest and being active; still it's difficult; but this is the way of life. So, because she may be lonely doesn't necessarily mean she may be desperate. But, the spots on a leapord never change; unless one works hard at changing them. So, if she's used to being emotionally dependent on you for her needs; the relationship almost definitely will continue this way. Do you want a one sided "all encompassing always giving" relationship? Something to be aware of if you meet her. And if there is really a connection; I believe in being honest and communicating your concerns so there is a chance you can work on it. I have my own personal philosohy about the past; you can never go back. Also, you are 4 years older and have changed. But, I understand the temptation to revisit this friend. Staying centered and trusting your intuition will hopefully guide you through this.
Could you elaborate on you can never go back? Also when you say I am four years older, actually she is older than me, by about 5-6 years, but it has been at least 3 years since we actually have seen each other. Ugh, why can't it be easyier to find someone, cut out the games, and confusion and just be able to know, and go on with life.
Here is my response; please remember this is my personal perspective
and that what works for you may be quite different.
I am not clear if you have had regular contact with her for 3 years and now she wants to see you or if after 3 years of no contact, she contacted you. "Never going back" would be opening up a door that has closed. I am sure there are people that have been successful in revisiting a past relationship. But, this has been my experience...it is strange and bizarre trying to become reacquainted to the past when time has passed and internal change has occurred.
Yes, I know personally how disappointing and disheartening it can be trying to find someone. Many people do play games and it is confusing; it can be a perilous path to travel! That is why I believe it is imperative to remain open and honest(within yourself and with others.) Emotionally healthy people are attracted to other emotionally healthy people.
Sometimes in situations like this; it can be difficult sorting out complicating factors from emotions. This is a challenging dilemna that you face; the valuable insights and wisdom of the other people that responded to your question will hopefully guide you along with your own insight.
If you do decide to pursue more intensive contact with her; pack a bag of tools to travel with.....respect yourself, repect boundaries,
listen to that little voice from within (it's called intuition and it never lies), get information about her by looking at everything, communicate and remember whatis special about you.
You said that you enjoy her company. But, how do you really FEEL about her? If you were just meeting her, would you want to be getting romantically involved? Look into your heart and be honest with yourself.
Is the crying stuff ALL or MOST of what she talks about "for a few hours"? If so, you will become her perpetual shrink, so only "go there" if you want that.
If she only has those problems occasionally and she brings them to you when she does, then she is having a normal level of difficulty and she is choosing you as the person closest to her. This can be a GOOD sign!
Think about what percent of your conversations are about problems, instead of common fun interests you share. Think about what percent of your conversations are about "you", what percent are about "her", and what percent are about other things, to see if there is balance. As someone else suggested, the extent to which a relationship is one-sided at the outset is not likely to change.
But will she respect your wishes and not bug you about it? If so, it will be a non-issue. If you're going to spend your life with someone, you've got to let them be themselves. To tell a life partner, "You can't do this on my watch," means, "You can't do that forever in your life," and that is demanding too much of someone.
Good luck!
No, We talk about all sorts of stuff, the relation ship issues are only a portion of it, but almost every time we talk, she brings it up at least once, her problems ect. But it doesn't seem to dominate the whole conversation.
I will still have to think about this.
1. The fact that you are seeking advice is a good sign that you are not a "know-it-all".
2. Your wife (whoever that will be someday) SHOULD be your BEST friend. Having said that, each of us has best friends who never end up becoming our spouses. The reason is that many other factors are involved.
3. The line "she wishes I would come and visit so she could get a date with me" is intriguing. The question is are you being seen as a bandaid to fix a current problem? It would seem as such from your wording, or is this just your impression being expressed through your choice of words?
4. My advice is this (and remember the cost of the advice): stay friends for awhile and correspond by phone, email, etc. Whatever you do, make it VERY CLEAR to her that your intent is to ONLY be friends. This is only fair to her so you won't lead her on and play games. She will either like it and continue or she won't and be out of your life. If she agrees to be friends, then do so. If it leads to more will depend on the communication between two well-adjusted (hopefully) adults. Keep in mind that the divorce rate in this country is 50% for the first marriage and 80% for the second.
5. May I recommend a couple books?
A. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
B. Boundaries in Dating by Cloud & Townsend
Best wishes,
ToddB
TABrownMD@adelphia.net
Ya, I try to get as much info as I can on things, I have never had an easy time making decisions about big things or reading people, ect.
It is hard for me to picture my self being married, I like my independence, but would like a companion sometimes.
Maybe it is, because I have known her so long, I can't help but keep that in the back of my mind.
I'll thinkabout this some more, thanks for the books, and help, are you a pyscologist (spelling sorry) or an Medical Doctor?
> I'll think about this some more, thanks for the books, and help, are you a psychologist or an Medical Doctor?
I've been a medical doctor in Family Practice for the past 11 years (and now anesthesiology). However, I spend a considerable amount of time in the office doing counselling. You would be amazed at the number of hurting people these days. Also, sad to say, I'm divorced as well. I spent about 1 1/2 years after my divorce reading and soul-searching to find out what I did wrong and how to prevent my making those same mistakes the second time around. I also didn't date for 1 1/2 years. I have been dating the same lovely girl for 2 years now.
Hope this helps.
ToddB
TABrownMD@adelphia.net
The best advice I was ever given was: 'don't give advice'. But hrre goes, anyway.
What you can't tell at this distance is whether she wants you on a temporary basis because of a problem in her life, or whether she is interested in somethng more permanent. She may not even know herself.
It's worth making one trip over to her to find out - being good pals is a very good basis for a long term relationship: it's more permanent than sex, however enjoyable a part that is of being with someone else.
Take a bit of time to see what she really wants from you, and what you might want from her, and then try having an honest discussion. Are you after something for the long term? Can you make each other happy? Can she live with your hair? Lots of questions, searching for clarification from each other and within your own minds. Maybe something will come of it, maybe not, but if you don't give it a go, you'll never know.
Whatever happens, good luck.
If this was love...you wouldn't be asking ALL these questions.
You would BE with her...somehow.
She seems to NEED you. Does NEED=LOVE?
Only YOU can answer that question.
Good Luck
...was wondering where the hell you've been, my boy!! Glad you're back!
It seems to me that the woman you`re talking about is quite friendly.
You should take the risk and go.
DO NOT EXPECT THE EXPECTED. I mean just go as a friend, judge according to what you think best. None of us can help you except yourself.