new thread
I hate to sound like a broken record, but like many on this board, I am getting a lot of heat to cut my hair. I really like longer hair, but the problem is I just find it hard to live in my house when my dad hates me. So I'm supposed to go with him to visit a barber later this week.
The thing is I am planning on telling the barber to just trim it a little, but I'm afraid my dad might pull some trick on me, and tell the barber to cut it shorter. Has this ever happened to anyone? What did you do, and how did you get out of it, if at all? I guess I could try to get my dad to promise to keep his mouth shut, but believe me, he is not the type to be trusted. He would find it hilarious to see me in the chair and getting clipper cut. I am not sure why he loves to see me humiliated. My mom is okay, but she is often too afraid to stand up to my dad, and I'm the oldest boy in my family. So I can't really count on anyone but me.
I wouldn't let a barber near my hair - they tend to cut it short. That is, after all, what their clients usually want. On the occasions that I have my hair trimmed I see a stylist who understands long hair.
I have been in your shoes before everyone hated my hair and kept on telling me to cut it etc but i'm now glad i didnt listen to any of them cos i wouldnt be without my long hair and now its about bottom of neck level everyone always compliments me on it
How about standing up for yourself? I'll tell you something, you'll feel like complete crap after getting it cut. Sure, a trim, but do you actually need a trim?
Come on people. All this sillyness about fathers being arseholes. I'm sure it can be tough having to live with someone like that, but you've gotta grow up, and make arse holes like this realise they simply don't matter to you.
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JoNty
I DO believe JoNty is correct in his advice. It is about time potential Longhairs put an end to this being stepped all over.........and the ONLY way to stop it is by making it stop yourself and stand up for your rights.
What rights do minors have about their appearances when living in their parents' home?
The same rights black people had to sit in the front of the bus in 1950: NONE.
Technically, a parent can have you declared an incorrigible truant and have you hauled off to reform school. Parents theoretically have the right to order a minor to do all sorts of things, but there are limits. Few courts would let them make you wear clothing appropriate only for the other sex. No court would require that you commit crimes because Dad ordered you to.
Was what Rosa Parks did illegal? You bet. Was it wrong? Hardly.
*WE* know that hair length is right up there with "clothing appropriate for your sex" for some longhairs, but the law isn't there yet because the public doesn't yet know what we know. Education of the public can be a long and arduous process, and public resistance by force can be one very effective way to educate. College kids are mature enough to go down that road successfully, but it's often a bit rough a path for a kid in high school, especially one without one hell of a strong support structure. Each guy who is thinking of taking the route of resistance has to make his own decisions as to whether he is up to facing the consequences of public disobedience of an unjust law. Some of the consequences can be exhiliarating, and some can be crushing.
Since "education of the public" is the task at hand, and since support will be of utmost importance in your staying the course, don't wage any battle such as this alone. Get all the support you can, and let everyone know about your struggle who you can.
Of course, we would say "Good luck!" to any of you if you decide to go the disobedience route, and we would all root and pray for your success. But this more than any time in your life is a time to think about YOURSELF. Think very long and hard about the possible consequences first. Will you be living on the street? Will you be foregoing funds for college? Sure, you will be "selling out" to get those things, but they are very basic needs.
You also must look at the big picture in another way. Seldom is abuse just about hair length. What are the other issues, and how do they factor into the decision you face?
Unlike Rosa Parks' situation, one reality that faces your oppressors is the march of time. She was facing riding in the back of the bus for life. You will turn eighteen. All the king's horses, all the king's men, and certainly not your parents can stop the onward march of that inevitable fact. One option you do have is to grit your teeth and watch the clock tick, and someday when it's ticked enough you'll have your mane.
I seem to remember hearing about a case where a group of lads were prosecuted for assault after forcibly shaving someones head.
I heard about it from a law student friend, he cited a case when someone threatend to cut off his ponytail at a party... maybe he was bluffing but it sounded convincing... the guy backed off.
Given that the hair is part of the body, surely forcably cutting someone's hair, could easily be considered assualt? Parents get prosecuted for spanking their children, surely this could be considered on the same level?
OK Granted not a good a basis for parent/child relationship but at what price to your place personal freedom? For me this would not be a compromise I'd be prepared to make... OK maybe there are many forms of co-ertion a parent has left, but how many would really push the point that far?
Besides "assault" or "battery", it also may constitute "mayhem" (mutilating another) or "robbery" (taking the property of another from his person by force). Mayhem and robbery are felonies, and they are such without regard to the amount of the damages or the monetary value of the item taken.
A problem invoking these laws arises, though, when the perpetrator successfully invokes a legal right to the act. You can't sue a policeman for assault if it happens when you are resisting an arrest, for example. Parents, similarly, commit assaults on their children with the belief that they are legally entitled to do so. They are, up to a point, but beyond that point their acts are seen as child abuse and thus unlawful. The position of many of us, as men knowing how important to one's psyche one's hair can be, is that forced haircuts cross the line, particularly once a boy reaches the age of about eleven. He may not be an adult in the eyes of the law by then, but he has reached the age where he forms his own identity separate from that of his parents, and many of us feel in retrospect that to force the issue beyond that age is harmful.
Our mission is thus to convince parents, and convince judges, that this act is harmful.
Very wise move. :-) No one but parents of a minor has any legal right whatsoever to commit such an act. (Well, there is the military, but you know you're in for that when you sign up, so you've really consented.)
It's worse than spanking, it's a mutilation, because the injury can be seen in a very public place on the body for several years. In this one narrow way, it's worse an assault on the body than is a rape. People without a longhair identity don't often pick up on this, and we need to see to it that their education goes there.
Most kids won't, for any kind of abuse actually, but the real tragedy is that once the kid grows up he will often write the family off. The family has no idea what they are in for, nor does the kid in most cases. Few children remain close to an abuser once they reach adulthood, and the message that has to get out there is that from the child's perspective, which is what counts since abuse statutes are intended to protect children, this is seen as abuse.
It was about two years ago that one of the older longhairs on this board said this to a young guy who was being harassed by his father: "Tell him he will never see his grandchildren." That is oh so true. Abuse breaks up families, and this is NOT what Dad thinks is lying down the road, when he doesn't see this as abuse.
But, as a child living under a parents' roof, eating their food, ...
I don't know if I'd be able to stand the pressure. A hair cut isn't child abuse...and what judge would say "don't make him cut his hair."
And, even if a judge would...I don't think I could take living with my dad after taking him to court over getting a haircut.
I would just refuse. Take away my damned playstation, ground me. If you really love your hair enough to have your "fringe benefits" pulled.
How far can a parent push you? They can't refuse food or shelter until you are 18. They CAN take away anything except necessities.
Of course this is really easy for me to say from the safety of my computer, but why not just ask your dad point blank, "Why he loves to see you humiliated?"
They comes a time in everyone's life when they have to stop being dominated by their parents.
If you don't trust you Dad to go with him to the barbers, arrange your own appointment, though, I'd personally use my allowance to pay for an appointment at a decent salon. Barbers are notorios for not understanding the meaning of trim. Why not go to where ever your mom goes? Just turn around to him and tell him you'll sort out your own hair cut.
Better Still, asert yourself further and if you dont want a cut, tell your Dad that your not going period. And that if he hates you just because you've got long hair then he's superficial and shallow. A good parent will love you for who you are inside and if he can't see past your hair then he's a very very bad father.
OK you might not mean all that, but if say it in the presence of family or friends it'll probably piss him off enough that he'll be forced to rethink his position. After all if that came from my son and was directed at me, I'd be very very ashamed. (Of Myself!)
You can agree to a trim, but only by someone you choose and trust!
And make sure that person costs a small fortune! LOL
I don't know how old you are, but when I grew my hair out while I was still living at home, I got some negative responses from my parents, but they were few. Some parents are more lenient then others, so I think I lucked out.
One thing to keep in mind is that when your hair is long enough to get it into a tail, it will look neater and maybe your dad will like that better. Also, there would, I assume, get to be a point in time where your dad will just get used to it. It's just a matter of when that is.
I'm not one for backing down in what I believe in, but you could just make sure you wear hats around your dad until it's long enough to pull back neatly.
But honestly, and this is more how I tend to think, I say grow it and since your dad presumably loves you, he'll just have to get used to what makes you happy, especially if it doesn't hurt anyone...period.
Good luck!
Speaking for myself, I can't win on the ponytail issue with my parents. My Mum prefers my hair in a ponytail, whereas my Dad thinks it looks feminine. Anyway, I'm in my 40s and they are in their 70s. Parents not liking long hair never really goes away.
I cracked up laughing when my dad told me he was comparing notes with another guy in his age bracket whose son had green hair, I think it was. Anyway, it seems they both thought their sons would have 'normal' hair when they grew up! Well, we grew up, and we don't! At least they thought it was funny too, that's the main thing.
Oh, how true....
I'm in my forties and my mother really doesn't like men wearing ponytails - probably for much the same reasons (perceived femininity). She just doesn't say anything to me about it and we get along fine.
I grew my hair long while still at home - I was about fifteen or so and old enough to mak my own decisions.
Although my Dad was very good (lenient) with my growing up with long hair, he would joke around when introducing people to me by saying, "this is my daughter...uh um...I mean son...". It's nice when a parent can be understanding, even when they have contradicting opinions. :)
Yeah my old man does the same kinda thing!
I can see my parents doing something like that too! Even though I don't live with them, I do see them quite often. It'll be interesting to see how well they tolerate it this time. I told them I'm growing my hair a bit longer this time (as opposed to the last time I had a haircut), only I don't think they know how long I really intend to have it! (I'm 30 for crying out loud, and it's MY hair, sheesh!)
When I was younger (like 12-14) they didn't want me to get an earring, but eventually (when I was about 19) I went ahead and did it anyways. Suprisingly they didn't (and still don't) talk about it much. I've since had both ears pierced and can't imagine myself without earrings. My parents said it looked gay. Oh well, that was my way of "breaking the ice" and telling them I am! They think long hair on a guy looks gay too, (which I think is totally wrong), but hey in any case, they won't be able to use that argument this time! Hehe!
Seems like your issues go deeper than a haircut. You say your dad hates you, hate is a very strong word. I think I would focus on working on your relationship w/ your dad and skip the barber appt because this is only going to add fuel to the fire. Like "make an appt" to have a talk w/ your dad instead, find out why u two are not getting along or seeing eye to eye.
I think the other poster had a good idea when he said to use your own money to have your haircut and do it on your own time instead of having your dad take you to get a haircut. If your dad sees you take the responsibility yourself (even if it isn't the haircut he wants you to have) maybe he will not be as controlling in your personal issues.
Everybody is talking about 'standing up.' Maybe it's just me, but it just sounds like an excuse to fight (I don't neccisarily mean physically).
Obviously, there is much about this situation that we won't know. I don't think I'd quite compare it to the struggle for racial equality. Parents might, unfairly, have a lot to say about your appearance and behavior, but they do so under the idea that they must impart 'positive values' upon you. At least I hope so.
But I would say, that it would be appropraite to 'assert yourself.'
You don't want to fight. Then your parents might fight back. Rather, I'd try and seperate your choice in hairstyle from any other rebelliousness that you might feel. Try to let them see it as something you are doing to assert your individuality, or the right to make your own choices. In other words, try to turn this entire issue into something he can respect.
Of course taht might not work. Just my .02
Mr. Lowe
It may be that he went through it himself.
My children have free choice of how they want their hair. When they are old enough to actually choose, anyway.
My son, at 5, said he wanted his hair cut. It was beautiful sandy blonde...just gorgeous. But, he wanted it cut off...because the boys were teasing him. All the girls chased him. But, he really wanted it cut. Half way down his back...gone with a snip. I still have that hair in a bag. BUT, it was his hair, his body, his choice.
My daughter who is 4 now has sandy blonde hair half way down her back. I bet she never gets the "hair cut" pressure my son received from his peers.
I truly think it's sheer jealousy.
I can understand controlling your children to keep them safe, but why control how your children keep their hair?