new thread
Hi everyone,
I post regularly on this site, but I wanted to remain anonymous in this post.
I hadn't thought that growing my hair would create any problems for me - I thought it would all be smooth, but this past week, I feel very confused, and to be honest you guys have been so supportive in the past, I would appreciate any comments.
I have a girlfriend, whom I love, and loves me... but I have a female friend, who I used to have a crush on. I asked her out once, about 6 years ago, but she said no because she had a crush on another guy. We were very close at the time, but obviously this created distance between us.
But recently we have spent more time together, and the other night, she brought up the fact that I had asked her out... I never told anyone else about it. She said that she was a fool to say no, and that she wished I had been the first (and possibly the only) guy she dated.
Knowing her as well as I do, I know she would never try to come beetween me and my girlfriend. And tonight, we were watching tv and she was stroking my hair... she said it reminded her of how my hair was back when we were closer (I had it cut shortly after the rejection) and that she loved it.
As much as I love my girlfriend, my head is starting to get confused, because I never fully got over what happened between me and my friend... and I just feel a little lost at the moment.
Sorry to post something so un-hair-related.
Anon.
Did you notice how little you spoke about your girlfriend in your post?!
I'm not a therapist, but I wonder what that means?
It is very obvious that your friend of years ago is coming on to you...and strong!
All these little compliments and ego-strokings can be very seductive.
You say she would never come between you and your girlfriend--but are you so very sure?
The real question is: How do you feel about your girlfriend?
How do you think she would react if you told her you were interested in someone else?
Might she be devastated?
On the other hand, you can't just continue being 'faithful' to her out
of some kind of loyalty.
The supreme questions, are:
1. Do you KNOW what LOVE is?
2. If you do, are you willing to make the necessary changes?
3. When you have a girlfriend, it isn't fair to her to have a girl friend.
4. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about.
O, well, it was worth a try.
P.S.:What does your current girlfriend think of your hair?
Thanks luckskind,
Didn't speak much about my girlfriend in the post because there's no problems there - the problem is with my head.
I know it sounds like my friend is coming on to me, but I don't think she is - we grew up together and I really know her well. Even if I did want to split up with ym girlfriend, I don't think she'd want to go out with me for exactly that reason.
One thing you hit on there which makes a good point is that my girlfriend isn't that keen on me growing my hair. She wouldn't try to stop me or anything, but I know from the look in her eyes she's not that fond of it - though it is still in the awkward stage.
I have no intention of cheating or anything like that... and yes, I know what love is. My head just hurts from the repercussions of my underconfident past self. (if that makes sense).
Girls never liked me much... not pysically anyway, when I was younger, and as a result I know I do have low self-esteem, which may be the reason the 'ego stroking' hurts my brain.
My friend and I were always close enough to be close even when I had a girlfriend in the past. But I know if the roles were reversed, I would be extremely jealous of my girlfriend, so I am keeping my distance.
But that's having an effect on my relationship with my friend...
Brain is melting...
anon
I think people spend too much time thinking about what they don't have rather than appreciating what they have. Maybe youre used to your girlfriend and the thought of being with the other girl brings on all kinds of fantasies about what it might be like with her. Maybe it won't be like that at all and you'll end up without either of them if things don't work out. reality never matches dreams and expectations tread very carefully and good luck.
Yes, this is a tough situation...one I would not want to be in.
Personally, I fell that guys should be able to have friends that happen to be girls.
It's just that when you have a girlfriend, things can get very complicated
and quickly get out of control.
I wonder if your girlfriend would like your hair if it were really long?
Is it possible she will never like it?
Of course, no relationship should be based on one's hair length.
What to do...what to do...
hmmmmm...maybe Time will solve your problems?
Only you know how you feel towards your close female friend. Talking to your girlfriend should and always will instill trust. But before you talk with her, you need to know how you truly feel about your close friend beforehand. I believe you can keep this "friendship" relationship with your close female friend by being open, totally honest, and good line of communication between both your girlfriend and close friend. When you feel the time is right, introduce them to each other. This does have a tendacy to become dangerous if not handled carefully. Good Luck!
One thing to remember: if your Girlfriend really loves you she will give her all (as you would to her.) BUT...........she would support you in however you choose to wear your hair. In TRUE LOVE, I don't believe this would be an issue. You are accepted and loved "as is."
Just something to think about.
You are going to have to live with your hormones for many years to come. You will need to learn to deal with them but not let them dictate your decisions for you. Make some goals and stick to them.
She too has hormones (just not as much testosterone) and will probably make many bad decisions concerning men...including passing over you for others at a whim. It's just the way it works and the quicker you learn not to get wound up over it, the better off you will be.
I agree with Hair Religion. Don't let your hormones dictate your feelings and actions. Remember that a girlfriend, and eventually a wife, is a life-long committment, despite what 50% of the other couples in this country are doing.
ToddB
Thanks so much guys for all your support.
I hate being a guy... I think we're born with too much potential to be idiots.
I think surfieboy has a good point - I know that I could never date my friend - we're not suited in any way. But I do love the attention. It's nice to feel loved by a friend.
I guess I should talk to my girlfriend and explain that I need more support with my hair, because any time something she says makes me feel bad about it, I want to cut it. I also need to tell her that I don't feel as loved as i used to... always feels like one of us is upset about something.
Let's just hope someday it'll be possible to do Hair religion's thing and bypass our hormones. I'm just glad I think about things more than some people I know, who wouldn't think twice about following a whim.
Thanks again guys, I really appreciate it.
It's not about bypassing hormones but learning to live with them by understanding how they affect your daily decision making process so you aren't as confused about how you think and the decisions you make. You can't get away from them and it wouldn't be good if you could as they are an important part of our makeup.
Not an easy position, and any ultimate decision has to be yours, but I don't think there is any one of us who can truly say that they have never been in position of being attracted to two peole at the same time.
If you are that close to your friend, you might be able to discuss what she wants with her openly and honestly. At least then you will know whether you have to make a choice or not.
That's probably a better optin that discussing things so openly with your current girlfriend, at least! I don't think you need to feel guilty about not telling her anything at this stage: yu can't really tell her anything approachng the truth until you are less confused yourself.
Good luck.
