new thread
Hello all, Let me start off by saying this is a great site and board. I'm a long time lurker.
Well, I bet this familiar tale has been spun around this board a few times; I’m a young man (19 to be exact) who lives with his folks, and we are Christians (not Baptist or anything super strict).
Probably since I was 15, I’ve thought I would like my hair long, it seems the only way to go. I’ve never liked the way I’ve looked with any other hairstyle (believe me, I’ve had EVERY other hairstyle, so long as it wasn’t ‘long’), and have been having the ongoing battle with my family about hair length ever since then. When I was 16, I realized that trying to talk louder than they were simply wasn’t going anywhere, and that if I wanted to grow my hair longer in peace, I would have to provide a good argument. So, I scoured all the resources I could, keeping an open mind to accept the truth if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear; and after all that, and numerous, numerous logical, reasonable, calm and concise tries, they still will not budge.
It is now obvious to me, after years of trying to be reasonable, that my entire family (this includes my extended relatives, I’ve talked to them) have very definite, unmovable ideas about what men and women should and shouldn’t look like. I simply can’t believe that they base their feelings on reason anymore, because logic does not work. They’ve gone so far as to cut parts of my hair out in my sleep (you heard me) so that I’d have to go get it ‘fixed’. It’s crazy. I haven’t gotten irate about this since I was maybe 17, because that just gives them more reason to say how ‘rebellious’ I am trying to be. My father, a very intelligent man, claims to understand my feelings on this, but it’s obvious from the way he jokes and talks about long hair that he is just like them. He seems to feel that wanting your hair to be at least a little longer than short (a LITTLE even) is something you get over after young manhood, and that when you ‘grow up’ you 'get it' and cut your hair. I’m not sure what to think of that kind of speech coming from a smart man.
My mother was raised to think that men having long hair was sick and wrong, she also is VERY overprotective… well, possessive is a better word. She has had extreme (or wanted when she didn’t) control over my appearance sonce I was young(er). From what she says, me having long hair apparently translates into people thinking she’s a bad mother (Yeah, I know, what the heck!?). She has issues. She grew up in a super-conservative household during the hippie era, you do the math. The absolute LONGEST my hair has ever gotten is down to my nose, and this drove them mad. I tried to keep it hidden, but eventually a forced haircutting was in order. They later explained to me that they were being ‘merciful’, by allowing me time to ‘cut it myself‘. I love my parents very much, but they are starting to freak me out.
Now, I’m not a drug user (I’m actually very opposed to drug use), I’m not an anarchist ( though I’m neither liberal nor conservative, democrat nor republican; they’re both evil in my opinion), I’m not rebellious, I’m not a cross dresser or homosexual (they’ve told me before that only cross dressers and homosexual men grow their hair long). I’ve been good to my folks in my short time on this earth, and tried my best to make sure they never had a reason to be disappointed in me, but I don’t think I will ever give them good enough reason to let me choose my appearance (mind you, I’m not going for anything outlandish, I don’t have any/or want any piercing, I don’t have any tattoos, and I dress fairly ‘normal’). I think my hair looks horrible every way I’ve had it, and would like it long. Even if I had my head shaved bald (I’ve had it), I’d still be a longhaired guy at heart. It’s almost in my genes, part of my personality.
I’ve come pretty much to the conclusion that the only way I’ll ever be able to grow my hair long is when I move out (preferably WAY out) and have my own life. That might be a while, seeing as how I don’t have that kind of money yet. *sigh* one day…
Anyone else had similar experience?
P.S.: Very sorry for the lengthiness of the post, thanks a whole lot for taking the time to read it. May the only true God bless you.
I have a cat named Frosty, I write about him in my stories, and he is a long-haired man. HA HA!
I am only 18. I had to force my mom to sign a contract to let me grow my hair out. But after about a year and a half of growth, she began to tell me how great my hair was (duh mama).
You might could try growing a beard. Your parents probably wouldn't like that either. Tell them it's either that or long head hair. Or grow both and tell them you want to be like Jesus and then shave the beard off a good while later.
Anyway, keep trying. If you bug them enough, they are bound to give in. Try just telling them no, you won't go get it cut. Stand your ground, Man.
I wish you the best of luck.
how do they force you? they can't physically harm you in any way, otherwise its jail time for them.
in this case i wouldn't do anything they say, they will eventually see that you can handle yourself on your own, and they will let you.
Normally I'd agree with you, but apparently they've taken measures such as cutting off parts of his hair in his sleep. This kind of abuse is not provable, and would hardly result in jail time. In fact, I'll be the police would be right on the side of the parents in saying that it's their choice.
Unfortunately, I don't think a "screw you" attitude will work while he's still in the same house as his parents.
No, but there are a lot of different steps inbetween dumb compliance and 'screw you'!
Most of which it appears he's tried. : )
They've been tried. I didn't mention it in the original post, but the hair thing isn't the only hang-up they have, and it seems they won't be getting over it anytime soon. I've tried 'screw you!', I've tried dumb compliance, and I've tried reason; nothing makes them happy. They've admitted that they want me to WANT what they want (confusing little sentence there), and that simply won't happen. I do not believe hair length to be an issue of 'right vs. wrong', but they do. They have their views on the subject, and I have mine.
Before I even posted I had already been long planning to move out. I am doing schooling for my career, so I simply don't have the money right now, but once the financial situation makes itself available, I'm on the first train out of this place. My grandafather was thrown out of his house when he was 16, for NO reason other than he was 'old enough'. My parents are overprotective, they wouldn't throw me out if I were hiding a body under my bed. But I am grateful that they let me live here, and -like elektros mentioned- I am well aware that this is THEIR house, and THEIR rules, hence I obey them. But simply because I turned 18 it doesn't mean I magically was given the means to leave. Sure, I could go sleep no the street, but I think that would be a tad unwise given the fact that I need this room and board until I pay off my school.
Oh yes, I am leaving, it isn't what I WANT (as some people evidentially seem to think), but it is a necessary evil for now. Besides I really could do without spending time around my extended family ever again, they are kind of making it very difficult to love them.
P.S.: excuse the 'god bless you' thing up there (forgot who mentioned it), habitual thing, didn‘t mean to offend. Whatever, no beef here, man. ^_^
Best not to worry. (It seems that this subject suddenly is popular just now) Anyway, you're in control of your own life, which means that your parents should eventually be convinced that you'll be able to take care of yourself soon.
When I told my parents when I was 15 that I wanted to grow my hair long, they didn't ob ject. In fact, my whole family is happy my hair has grown long. That was almost under a year ago. I've even reached out to my uncle who may be considering it.
What I'm trying to say is that they're just parents. They try to run your life until you're ready to live in your own, which for you should be any day now since you sound responsable. Collage is where that's the magic hour is.
I blame the hot weather, it can make parents tempers rage:)
I hate to be overly critical of things, but isn't this just as closed-minded as your parents attitude towards hair? If you're specifying that there is one true god, why isn't there also one true male hairstyle?
In any case, you've got a dilemma. As long as you continue to live under your parent's roof (i'm assuming with their financial support), then it's their say as to what you do. If long hair is simply that important to you, move out. Move in with a friend. Get a job. Support yourself. If not, then just wait it out. Consider it a mid-term goal for yourself.
Good luck.
I had something very similar happen the first time I grew my hair out, starting at age 17, although without the forced haircuts. I grew it out anyway, my parents didn't try to force me to cut it, but would occasionally ob ject, usually in the middle of a heated arguement over another subject. About 2 years into growing, I ran into problems at work about my hair length, with my mother jumping on the bandwagon, suggesting (I'll never forget this one) that I cut off just a few inches as " a good faith gesture on my part". I actually won the battle at work, basically told them I would wear a tail hidden down my shirt, and if that wasn't good enough I could find another job. They gave in.
My parents came around more after a couple more years, I was going to college (on a 5 1/2 year plan). After a while I think they realized I wasn't gonna waste my opportunities at an education. The icing on the cake though was some harrasment by some cops from a nearby suburb. I was used to getting pulled over a lot for almost anything (as if a long hair in an old hot rod wearing heavy metal t-shirts might be doing something illegal). On one occasion, for absolutely no cause, I was pulled over and questioned for almost an hour, then jacked around with my license being taken by the cops and not reported, my parents got irate with the cops, because they had the nerve to pull me over just because I had long hair. They came around, hopefully yours will too.
Dude.... that's crazy. I'm sorry you or anybody had to go through that with the cops. I surely hope I never do.
My mother first made her living as a barber... beautician, or whatever you want to call her. Hence, I go free haircuts whenever she felt. I was free to choose the styles, but it was kept rather short. Around the age of 16... I started objecting to them and told her I wanted to grow it out. I've got rather thick hair, so I was told it would look stupid and I'd have a helmet head. Many relatives of mine have (or had) hair past their shoulders, and I kept at it. After about a year, she caved in. My father was a pain for a while, even though he had long hair when he was in college. They eventually caved in, and now neither of them mind, and I'm pretty sure my mother likes it. I'm now 20 and it's halfway down my back. I worked in a steel mill last year and got a little crap from a few people, but nobody really cares about it anymore... it's just me. I feel that parents should let their children express theirselves however necessary, and it is necessary, whether it's with long hair, styles of clothing, or music they feel suits them, they should be themselves. Yes, people are stereotyped everywhere, but that rarely makes someone refuse to get to know you, and I haven't had a job interview go sour yet.
btw, I've had a receding hairline in the works for a couple years now, not in the center, just on the sides, almost to my temples now. I've always had a rather big forehead, and when it's pulled straight back, the effect is multiplied. Anybody have to deal with this? Rogaine isn't made for it, and the only real alternatives are a pill (forget what it's called), and transplants. Surgery is quite a bit much for something like hair, but as I said, it's a part of me now. Any ideas?
-Ryu
p.s. sorry for the bad picture... only one I could find. Will replace if I find a new one.
Hi Ryu, yes I know what you mean. I have not got a receding hairline, I've always had a high forehead, that looks like it's receded very slightly at the temples. I think that is just genetics, as both my grandfathers have this and I've head it all my life (I'm 17 now). I don't think it's going to continue to recede or give the impression as I come from a very good family as far as hair is concerned mostly, such as no MPB at all (as far as I can trace) and thick hair. My father has very thick hair, so does his father, and before he died in february, he was 91 and had a full head of hair with only very minor receding in the forehead region, nothing else. My other grandfather even managed to keep his natural black hair colour until his late 60's, without dying it! But I understand your problem, I hope my hair won't look bad when it will be long enough for a tail. Sorry to brag.
Now that your are over the age of 18, I presume that you, by definition, are choosing to live with your parents. Perhaps you are in college. If not, you should be paying rent.
In any case, as long as you live in someone else's house, you are subject to their rules. period. It has nothing to do with right vs wrong, good vs bad, etc.
If you rented an apartment that didn't allow dogs and they found a dog in the apt. you could be evicted. No, there's nothing inherantly wrong with pets (or long hair), but many people have their biases.
Just keep this in mind when your kids come up to you someday and say "Dad, we want to do such-n-such". If it seems wrong then research whether it's just an ingrown opinion or a rational moral issue.
Enough rambling; hope it made sense.
ToddB
Um having a no pets policy as an apartment landlord is perfectly legal. But you mean to tell me that a no pets policy is the same as discriminating against someone with long hair?
And another thing...
Well it's certainly very different renting an apartment versus living with your parents, who you don't get to choose.
(OT) We once lived for a short while in a 'no pets' apartment. We had a cat, in fact we've always had cats. We didn't select the apartment, it was provided by my then employers as temporary accomodation. They knew we had a cat. We were very specific about not being put in somewhere with a no pets rule. Of course, they knew better, and just used the same apartment complex they always did. The only thing that went wrong was when the garbage disposal broke, and we couldn't get it fixed because then the maintenance man would have seen the cat.
You know what? What you said makes zero sense, and I AM a parent.
Relatives are pretty much stuck with oneanother. If our kids drive us crazy, it still cuts both ways. I probably drive them crazy too. I have no ambition to be the Great Dictator. Some rules are necessary, yes, but I happen to think self expression is a good thing. I might not be overjoyed if, say, one of them wanted a green mohican, but it's a really stupid thing to fight over.
Our children don't choose to live with us, it's just an accident of heredity. In fact we should remember that it is us, the parents, who choose to have children, not vicea versa. The same genetic laws make sure that no two people are alike, so they will never just be mini vesions of us, and we shouldn't force them to be.
I will never tell my children to conform to some particular image or get out of my house. What in the world would I have to gain from that? To be blunt, I have no respect for any parents who do think that way.
If he were 13, this would be correct. Over 18, it *IS* his choice. While I agree with your attitudes, the fact is that these parents don't share them. He then has the choice of abiding by their rules while in their house, or moving out on his own. Is he ready to leave the nest? Only he can decide.
Why 18? That seems arbitrary. My obligation to my children does not end when they become adults, or even atall. If they don't buy into that they never should have had kids. Of course, I wouldn't necessarily want them living here long after they can support themselves, but that doesn't generally mean 18, even if they are too dumb for college, which they are not.
I agree with Elektros. He's spot on here.
If you are the parent or incharge of a household then you can set house rules, whether this relates to appearance or to keeping pets or whatever. If a rule is broken as the law maker you have a choice:
1) Ignore the infringement.
2) Give the perpetrator a ticking off.
3) Be a snide git in return.
or 4) Throw the offender out of the household.
Those are the options you have. No more no less.
Just cos you find a cat in a "no pets" apartment block doesn't give you the right to kill the cat. Equally it doesn't give parents to right to cut their 18 year old sons hair whilst he sleeps - that's assault!
If his appearance is incompatible with the rules of their household then they should throw him out. But I can't see any good parent wanting do this to their son. That said if they cut his hair in his sleep, I'd call them pschopaths.
Sorted
OK, so I missed the part about the parents cutting the hair while he was sleeping. That's wrong. But I still hold to my other comments.
ToddB
WOW sounds like my family to the letter. I'm 24 with my hair almost mid back now. I've been lurking for over 3 years and finally made a post :).
Basically for me my mom threatened to kick me out if I didn't cut my hair. After the 3rd or 4th time hearing it I said good bye and threw my keys on the table and started walking out. Than she asked me where I was going to live. I said out of my car for all I care. When she saw I was serious she let up alot and started saying I was trying to be rebelious.
But seriously I still get arguments from my mom she even threatened to sneak in at night and cut my hair I told her if she does that she will never see me again as long as she lives. I'm unemployed and in her mind the reason my last employere didn't keep me was cause of my hair which is wrong, I was a student worker and graduated, there were 2 other guys that were full time employees that had long hair also (actually my manager loved my hair :D). And now my mom is saying I'm not getting interviews because of my hair I tried explaining to her that if I submit my resume ONLINE VIA E-MAIL they have no idea what I look like.
So Frosty basically seeing our parents were pretty much raised identicle only thing I can recommend is leaving which is what I am goin to do once I get enough money to square away my debts.
Ohh yea I didn't mention my father cause he don't really care unless my mom is b*tchin alot. If it wasn't for her he could care less.
And Sorry for the long reply but I say a long reply for a long post :D
Hi,
After reading the original post and the replies, I have to admit that it is all very discouraging to someone who wants to grow their hair out. People like me, with relatively short hair and who want to grow it much longer. I, too, am a part-time employed college student living with parents, who are not keen to the idea of long hair. My grandparents keep telling me that mine is the kind of hair that "only looks good short." I am lucky, though, because although our opinions differ my parents don't really care that I do it.
I am still enthralled with the idea of growing my hair long, but hearing things about hair-related employment troubles are perhaps the most discouraging. The supervisor of our department just cut off his long hair, and I just hope the reason wasn't work-related. I never really thought long hair on guys would be something that someone would have good reason to look negatively upon, and I hardly believed all of the issues in Bill's "Longhair FAQ" mentioned on the 4th page.
Think this issue will ever become more widely accepted?
Can't say I have, in fact stories like this make me really grateful for the family I have. (Who are not beyond fault.)
My Parents technically are Christian (Church of England, ie: beleivers but not avid church-goers.) I'm Atheist, this was my first conflict of beliefs with my parents and it occurred when I was 13, we agreed to dissagree. For this I am eternally grateful, in fact this has been feature of most the "Big Issues" that have risen between us.
I also when to Catholic School - whereby I was the only non-believer in around 800 Kids and Teachers. I made some of my best friends there because we respected each others beliefs and opinions. (OK I'm sure that privately some of them believed I was a heretic and I would burn in hell, but they were always very poliet to my face. I'm sure many of them prayed for me too.)
My point is that if that people can agree to dissagree about something as fundamental to our day to day lives as Relgion, surely they can adopt a similiar attitude to Long Hair - right or wrong what's the hang-up? Why won't your parents allow someone to exist with opinions different to their own?
What happens at the next General Election what if you want to vote differently to them? What if you want to marry someone they don't like? Any relationship needs to ability to "agree to disagree" without it the relationship breaks down. Your parents will end up driving you out of their house.
Maybe you should just tell your mom straight - if she doesn't back off the long hair issues then just as soon as you can afford it you are going to leave home go work in another state and they'll never see you. Ask her if she wants that - if she doesn't then you need to set some serious hair rules and if they are ever breached then your gone.
Of course if you couldn't care if you moved out never to see you again, then its pretty clear what you have to do. Just makesure your serious and stay committed to your promises.
Sorry for the long reply - but it was a long post to begin with :-)
Sorted.
