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I appreciate you guys taking the time to answer my questions! I can see that I was sorely lacking in the details when I asked how to encourage a male child to have long hair, you see, this child doesn't even exist yet, but since this in not a topic usually addressed in child rearing I need plenty of time to mull it over. Most of you mentioned rebellion, even if it is of an uncommon variety. This I feel would be the biggest hurdle. I come from a Mennonite background and when the women rebel, let me tell you, the hair is the first to go. My mother left the church long before I came along but kept some of the teachings, including unshorn hair. I have a rebellious spirit myself and cannot grasp how it is I came to embrace my mother's view, except that I know I felt the bigger rebellion at hand was against the world not her. Of course that was before the age of enlightenment, understanding what is behind our choices.
I can see I'm getting a little long winded here so I'll try to wrap this up. So, do you guys feel if you had had a long haired father to gently role model for you, would that have altered your choices? Or is long hair on men too steeped in rebellion, ultimately causing this plan to backfire? I look forward to hearing from you --Catia.
My thoughts: Long Hair (the desire for) is within the person to begin with. The person cannot be changed. Yes, there WILL be outside influnces..............but in the end THAT PERSON makes up his own mind and does his own thing despite what anyone tells him. Harping on him from "day one" to have Long Hair because "you" like it so well will most likely turn him the opposite direction.
BUT
If just about ALL the Guys (by the time he is 6 or 7) have Long Hair, chances are he will follow the masses. From what I see going on right now, the "Short Look" looks like it is quickly on the wane. 1/3 of the younger set in my area now have the so-called "Awkward Stage" Look. (They very well could be aiming for very long?)
Fashions change and the Pendelum continues to swing back the other way.
I definately agree that true desires are born within us, but in a society that snuffs out any who dare to have an individualistic thought, these natural inclinations often do not survive without loving support. Is complementing the strength and beauty of a man with long hair "harping"? I realize it may seem so if this is not what the person desires and therefore may find the words manipulative, but is positive reinforcement manipulation? Perhaps it is, but with the best of intentions. I'm glad for your honesty, but this is not about "fashion" but a way of being in the world. Again, I appreciate your insight.
Hi Catia!
Glad you were not offended by my opinions of the last post. And they were only that: generalized opinions.
Boy, do I EVER HEAR YOU on that one!
NO WAY!
Not in the slightest. Alas, we need more in the world like yourself.
Glad you "survived" my 1st posting. Hope you are having a nice evening.
Justin~
IMHO, there is no way you can predict how your son will react, regardless of what you do.
Either he'll consistantly admire your example and follow it, or he'll be indifferent, or maybe even dislike your example and decide not to follow it. Your son will make millions of decisions for himself and there is surprisingly little you can do to force a predictable outcome on any of them.
I think every parent has a vision for their children. There is nothing wrong with that; but remember that these plans are made to be torn up and thrown away.
So. You can control what example you want to set for your son, but that's about it. OK, you can control his bedtime, what food he eats, and what schools he attends. What he daydreams about in that school? Who he admires and wants to be? No way can you control that, and when he becomes an adult...
OK, I'm rambling. I think you get the idea. Maybe you remind me a bit too much of my sister--she did the same thing with my little nephew who was born just last month, and all I could do was laugh about how she had the little guy's life all planned out--as if her life had turned out just the way our parents planned it, which of course it didn't, and neither did mine.
Well, here's my two cents. For men, wanting long hair is definitely something you're born with. Well, there are exceptions. Personally, I've always admired and wanted long hair. But growing up I was teased alot by my peers and didn't want to add fuel to the fire by growing out my hair. Anyways, I graduated, met a girl and she suggested I grow it out. Being out 'on my own' and having the support of someone I loved was all I needed. So my suggestion is, maybe just tell your son (when he's born and old enough to understand) that you think he'd look good with long hair. And say no more. He'll have your support and if the desire is in him, he'll feel more comfortable with the idea of growing it. And if not? Well, that's his choice too. My decision to grow my hair wasn't at all based on a rebellious idea. Long hair is just 'me' and I love having it. That also ties into the 'individuality' thing. In a world of predominently short haired men, it takes some courage to stay true to yourself and step outside the norm and do what's right for you. Hmmm, I realize some of this is off-topic, but when I rant, I rant well ;) Hope you stick around and chat with us some more!
Catia,
What I am about to say many not meet with the agreement of all here, but then, everything we share doesn't have to!
I am 44 with longhair now four years. My 10 year old son has not wanted to get his hair cut for most of the summer. Some interesting things are emerging for me and him as this goes on.
First, I have insisted with him that long hair is something that requires care. LIke most 10 year old boys, bathing every day is not high on the list. Playing from sun up until sun down is, and longer hair acquires more dirt that way.
Second, I have this sense that long hair is a grown up thing--a rite of passage, if you will. I don't mean that in any legalistic or hard and fast way, but it is very much about defining self. Just read this list for a while, especially the posts of those going through the awkward stage. It is painful, and most look for a way out of it. There's no way out, and many don't make it through. It is a rite of passage into a new phase of being a man.
So, is a 10 year old ready for that? I'm not sure. I cannot say no, but I also cannot say yes. I can say, as I do to my son, if you are going to grow your hair long, you must care for it. That means keeping it clean, and managed.
Third, recently we made a trip to my parents' home. A few weeks later, when we were considering sending our two youngest to spend a couple of weeks with their grandparents, my mother called to ask if she could take my son to get a hair cut while he was there.
I was NOT pleased. I told her NO. His hair was not hers to tamper with. My own reaction made me realize, again, that when it comes to a person's hair, the judgments of others are damaging, and the decisions about hair are also about the INTEGRITY of the person him/herself. Integrity must be honored, or damage will be done.
Last, with my son, I am navigating a way that honors his integrity and which attempts to help him see his hair as something that he has to manage. If he is ready for that, then I suspect he will grow it longer. If he is not ready for that, then I am going to suggest to him that he get a "longer" hair cut--one that allows him to have longer than status quo hair, but which is easy for a 10 year old boy to take care of.
This has been very long. I apologize, but it was very timely for me.
Robert
Hi Robert
Your 10 year old Son most probably knows it now.........if not compleatly he soon will.
He has an extra special Father.
Justin
Thankyou Robert, a clear glimpse into the future. I am well acquainted with disapproving grandparents when it comes to hair though, but when a parent stands up for you, it takes the sting out of their grumblings. Kudos for supporting your child's rights! In response to your musings on whether a ten year old boy has the maturity to take care of his hair -- you're right, he doesn't. My eight year old niece has waist length hair, doesn't want it braided, and is always rolling around in the dirt (tomboy) and would never comb her hair if it was left up to her, but it isn't left up to her, and shouldn't be, she isn't mature enough. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my hair wouldn't have survived my childhood if my mother hadn't taken care of it for me, and I owe her a debt of gratitude. Of course, I'm not sure at what age a boy would begin to be horrified and embarrassed that his mother was taking care of his hair, so my rationale doesn't exactly stack up, alas, yet another way long hair on men is different than on females.
Thanks again for the response. Catia.
Catia,
Actually, I think your points below really get at what I am reflecting on. Part of the "rite of passage" involved in a boy or man growing out his hair is that we live in a culture that doesn't very much accept it as "normal". So, to grow out one's hair is to have to face yourself in the mirror as yourself and not as the ego that everyone strokes because you "fit".
So, a boy whose mother is taking care of his long hair is really fitting the mold that society creates for little girls. Everyone expects moms to take care of their young daugher's hair. They do not expect them to take care of their young son's long tresses.
This is all the socialized gender stuff that we all get layered with, like it or not. My own sense is that given the strong lines that are drawn, gender wise, the young man needs to be ready to face the opposition, so to speak, and taking care of his own hair is one of the "skills" that he takes up in the "fight". Does this make sense?
Robert
I think your term "socialized gender stuff" hits the nail on the head as to why I feel it would be important to have positive long haired (male)mentors in a boys life in order to encourage him. This would create an atmosphere of normalcy, particularly if this is a common state from infancy, the hair care included. I still think a child is a child though when it comes to taking care of their own hair. Now I don't mean to imply that my son wont be able to move out of the house becouse he needs his mommy to take care of his hair for him when he's 30, but I remember not taking care of my own hair until I was about 12. Life is hard, there is no need to push the lessons before they are ready.
I understand what you mean about taking care of their own hair being a skill to strengthen them in the fight, but I think just the fact that a boy would go about in the world being so different from his peers at such a vulnerable age is struggle enough to grow upon.
Good hearing from you -- I'm enjoying the debate!
My friends close family who comprises my friend, his brother, and father ALL have long hair. The father's job is a church minister, but he loves his hair long, so he kept it. His two sons were heavily influenced to grow their hair out, with them all having long hair all their life. My friend's only 16 now.
Strangely, my friends mother has quite short hair!
So I don't think rebellion against the parents or the world needs to be used, just never force him to get haircuts, and tell him his hair looks far better longer than short.
Only yesterday, I was in a surf shop when some guy walked in, very tall with approximately 14 inches of blonde hair, oh how I envied him! His son was there also, which is hair was a tad curly, but about 6 inches long, being the son was about 7 years old, 6 inches of hair looked very long on him.
Anyway, I think I'm blabbering here, so I'll finish here.
Catia,
I am so glad the gentlemen welcomed you so warmly, I knew this great bunch would.
As for the hypothetical boy, every child is different. One can end up feeling strongly that short hair is their true self as much as some of these men knew long hair was necessary for them. In general though, the family can set the tone and it goes a long way. Speaking as an elementary school teacher, a positive family culture will often be stronger than outside influences. Long hair can be a family tradition but the boys get to decide if they wish to participate. Appearance, opinions, and identity are some of the few things a child can have control over. Let the child make decisions within appropriate guidelines set by the parents. That is good parenting on any issue.
Elizabeth
Thankyou for the educated advice, love and respect will always win the day. (well, eventually).
We let my son's hair grow, but he chose to have it cut short. He is 11 now and has had it short for a few years now. My personal beleif is that forcing children or anyone atall to have ether short or long hair is wrong.
My own hair is now between mid back and waist length, and my own parents still complain about my hair. I can't think of any valid reason to put my own children through the same thing.
My wife has similar length hair to my own.
We have tried to encourage our daughter to grow her hair long too, although she has said a couple of times she would like it cut to shoulder length, and no doubt it will be when she next gets it cut, probably at the end of the summer holidays. Oh well.
Others have said that you can't plot out your children's lives for them, and it's true.
