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Picture Purged
Hello everyone!
I thrilled to have found a board that deals with the subject of "men with long hair."
Here's my dilema.
I'm scheduled to move into my mother's condo in Bal Harbour, Florida this coming October. If you've never been to this Miami enclave, it's a VERY exclusive and rich community. She's experiencing some health problems, and with dear old dad being deceased, I thought that I'd be a good loving son to help her out. Heck, without my mom, I wouldn't be on the planet. I owe her to make her last years as comfortable as possible.
She's a conservative type, and she wants me to cut my hair to be VERY short. She's probably worried what her condo neighbors will think if they see me cruising around the grounds looking like a wild man.
I've grown my hair long for the past year. I've attached a photo from today.
Should I just get it trimmed/cut into a "mullet" style to appease her? At least this way, the back length can be maintained in some fashion.
I love my mother and respect her, but I do love my long hair. I'd like to keep on growing it.
Any suggestions would be reatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Your hair is lovely. No way should you get a mullet.
You would look less like a wildman (not that you look very much like one at all) if you were either clean shaven or had your moustache and beard neatly trimmed.
Are you sure you're not a movie star?:-)
I will definitely go with the "clean shaven" look. I took the picture today, and I hadn't shaved for the event. :-)
Movie star? LOL! :-) You certainly know how to prop up a guy's ego, and for that I appreciate it. I never really know if women find a man with long hair "sexy" or "attractive" so to speak, so your comments have given my ego a much needed boost.
Many thanks for taking the time to reply and post your thoughts. Coming from a woman, it's especially nice.
BTW, I will nix the idea of getting a mullet. Thanks for commenting on that as well.
If anyone says anything to you about your hair, tell them your next film role is the young Robert Redford in the story of his life. I'm thinking they won't know how to respond.
Firstly, I think you should understand who is respecting or not respecting who.
Your mother is perfectly entittled to suggest you cut your hair, but if she levies any kind of emotional blackmail on you to comply then she clearly is not respecting you.
You can also respect someone's opinion without agreeing with it or complying with their ideals. I have a pretty extreme personal example, I'm an atheist, but I respect people who have faith, even though I dissagree with their beliefs.
If you cut your hair you will be undoing a years worth of commitment on your part, and to be honest your hair looks too cool to sacrifice that kinda amount of time.
If you keep your hair and move into her neighbourhood, then you might actually do your mother a favor inspite of her personal fear of what the neighbours might think, because she'll have to learn to deal with it. Facing upto our fears is the only way to beat them. Like most people who are worried about something, when she faces up to it she'll probably realise she had nothing to worry about. Especially if the "Wild Man" is surprisingly poliet and well mannered, you might even get some of the toffs to reappraise their views of longhairs.
It might seem like the easy thing to do would be to cut your hair, but the result would be that you would be unhappy and no-one would have learned anything. Whereas if you keep your hair, you'll be happy and your mother and possibly her neighbours will all overcome some preconceptions about longhair.
Sorted
That is excellent advice Sorted. Absalom
I must say that I'm very impressed by your well-thought and detailed reply to my initial post.
You've made perfect sense with what you've written.
I lve my mother and I do respect her. She won't love me less if I have long hair. I'm her son. I think she's worried about what the "neighbors will say." I know that this is indeed a "fear" that can be overcome.
I plan to get this unkemp mop of mine "styled," but in no way cut short. I'll be shaving for a clean face as well.
I really appreciate the time you took in providing me with your sage advice. I've only been a longhair for about a year now, so I'm still a "newbie" so to speak. I realize that I'll be discriminated against, but that comes with the territory.
Yes, it would be extremely "easy" to cut my hair short and conform to the majority of society. However, I've been reading quite a bit on "life as a longhair," and it seems we are in the minority of the male population. I just "feel better about myself" being a longhair. I guess I'm "coming out of the closet," and it feels good. Really good.
Thanks again for your great reply post. You've really given me some strength to combat the urge to do something I'd later regret.
Perplexed (becoming less)
Damn, that's a problem, man.
Me? My parents are both deceased. I still miss them and if I had a chance to be with them again, even for a short time, conditioned on my cutting off my hair, I'd do it in a flash. Hell, hair grows back but parents don't.
You might tease your mom a little, you know, stuff like "You and God gave me this hair, Mom, now you want me to cut it all off?" Little comments just to check out her reaction.
But as I said, if I had a shot at being with either or both of my parents again, even for a little while, I'd cut my hair in a heartbeat.
This is probably not the answer you were looking for, man, but it's a damn touchy situation where one choice, to me, clearly overrides the other. Truthfully, I hope you can find a middle-ground, maybe a half-way long hairstyle your mom can accept.
Good luck. And keep this Board posted, man, now that you've got the curiousity up!!
Josh
Hey Josh!
Thanks for your reply to my post.
That's EXACTLY my delima. I respect the hell out of my sole surviving parent, and that's why this is a difficult decision.
I mean, my mom will still love me if I have long hair or not. It's just that the area where she resides (Bal Harbour, Florida) is an "uptight" place that frowns on longhairs. In other words, the local cops are more apt to "profile" a longhair as an "outsider" that has no business being there. Hassling is bound to happen.
Perhaps your suggestion of a neat "trim" where I can do a 1/2 way cut or something.
I'll definitely keep the board posted.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my original post.
We all want to be able to spend as much time with our elderly parents. Without them, we wouldn't be here.
Perplexed
Whilst parents don't grow back - cutting your hair won't bring them back from the dead either, what's more having long hair never killed anyone, certainly not the person who wasn't wearing it in any case.
I'm sure you mother will appreciate your support regardless of whether or not you have longhair. In fact your hair doesn't really seem to be the issue with your mother, as she will clearly love you for whatever you are, her concern is the perceptions of others.
There's only one thing worse than bowing to irrational peer pressure and that bowing to someone-elses fears of peer pressure, especially when its only a fear of peer pressure, there may yet no be anything to worry about.
Sorted
I am real agreement with what Sorted has said. I would add to the word "respect" the word "integrity". You have your own integrity, your own wholeness. So does your mother. Neither of you need give up your integrity for the other. IN fact, when you do that, neither is allowed to be healthy.
Yes, your mom brought you into the world and gave you life. What you might respond with is gratitude--pure, and simple. Thank you, mom, for giving me life. I am here to help you take care of your self, but I come as me, whole.
A more difficult question, perhaps: has she asked or does she truly need you there? And if not, why do you need to be there? Hair is really secondary in all of that. If she wants/needs you to live with her, she can also offer some gratitude. And hair is not an issue.
Robert
Hi Robert,
many thanks for replying to my post.
To the "difficult" questions you posed: "Has she asked or does she truly need you there? And if not why do you need to be there?"
I currently live in Los Angeles, California, and therefore I'm not "just down the block" so the speak if she needs me.
My father died while I was working in California. That was a horrible feeling not being there when that event transpired. Really left me with an "empty" feeling so to speak.
My mother is elderly, and I guess I don't want to repeat the same episode with her. God willing, she'll last many more years. However, I feel that I need to spend more quality time with her. Every time I visit my mom, she hints and outright asks me if I'm ever going to come back to Miami.
I guess I really haven't answered your questions.
I'm doing this move for BOTH her and I.
Ugggghh, the more I write and read posts here the more PERPLEXED I am. I guess I was intuitive when I chose the screen name! LOL! :-)
Thanks so much for your reply post.
I appreciate your honesty. You don't have to process all this with us or on the board, but when you get to the "uuuggggghh" part of your post, you are on to something. When I find myself in that place, I am learning that this is where I need to look for my answers. It's because the "uuuugggghhh" places are where my integrity lies. It will lead you. Whatever you do, move or not, you can do it as a whole person.
As children most of us grew up in a culture that said "honor your parents" which basically meant do whatever they tell you. What our culture did not say was "parents also must honor their children". Honor really means respecting wholeness. It's a two way street, so whether you move in with your mother or not, you can honor her, and quite frankly, she can honor you.
It's a two way street, and if it's not, then it's not healthy.
I go on too long. I wish you the best in your decisions.
Robert
No offence, but I do thing you are worrying needlessly...
I think you alreasy realise that above all else, your mom needs your support, and you need to be with her when she needs you, this is clear, and your own conscience is clear about this point to.
The style of your need doesn't need to be an issue, and shouldn't be an issue if you focus on what is important.
a) Your mother needs the support of her son.
b) You feel the need to spend what quality time you have left together.
Your hairstyle is not something that will ever truely cloud either of these points, it'll probably never matter and at worst it'll probably just be one of those idiocynchrocies (sp) that you learn to love/forgive about those close to you. A bit like the preverbial bloke who leaves the toilet seat up.
At the end of the day there are more important things in your relationship between you and your mother. And all things considered, whilst she may nag you about your hair, she'll appreciate your support more.
As a final thought...Never compromise what you are for others, because then you not being true to yourself. This is foremost cause of unhappiness in today's society. We aim to please others ad conform to their expectations too easily and give ourselves no personal respect. People need to learn to be more tolerant of diversity, and not be so driven by mass media influence, without diversity, the evolution of our species is at risk.
(Do I sound like an Angry lefty? I hope not... because my point is very valid...)
Sorted
Sorted
Gotta agree about the mullet, above all. A mullet is not a conservative style that will make you fit into a wealthy neighborhood.
Thats tough, but if youve only been growing it a year a trim might not be too bad, but if you really wanna keep it have you ever considered slicking it back? Honestly I dont think too many people will care. I personally have lived in a somewhat wealthy community, (the house next door sold for 2 million a while back), and out of all the years Ive lived here Ive never had any problems, and my hair is now approaching waist length!
Whatever you decide to do, please keep us informed.
You beat me to it Doomlord, that is similar to the advice I was going to give, don't cut any hair off just make it look a bit more presentable. Absalom
If the way your hair is shown in the photo is typical of how you wear it throughout the day, I'd recommend combing it and pulling it back into a ponytail. If your mother is put off by a "wild man" appearance, it could be just as much her reaction to an unruly looking head of hair than merely whether it's long or short. I'd also suggest you look at the way Gollan bounds his hair at the back of his head (into a "bee-butt"), as it tends to conceal the length or obviousness of longer hair.
i may be in the minority, but i think your hair looks great and doesn't need to be "neatened up" at all. what i'm about to say is not meant to be taken as disrespect to you or your mom====but if it was my mother...i'd wonder why she cares what the neighbors think about you or her just because of your hair length...after all, whose gonna be taking care of her, you or the neighbors? if you don't care about cutting your hair or drastically altering your hair, then do it to please her....however, i don't think that is the case....otherwise, you wouldn't be asking for suggestions...yes, if it weren't for her, you wouldn't be here...but you're a grown man, and you owe her nothing...and that includes getting an unwanted haircut. every parent owes their children...not the other way around.... because the child didn't ask to be born...since the parent brought the child into the world, the parent has the responsibility to do everything he possibly can for his child..but it doesn't give the parent the right to tell the child (especially if he's now an adult) how to act, how to think, how to feel or how to look!
i think your mother should be grateful that she has a loving son to help take care of her (many seniors don't). if you absolutely don't want a haircut, stand up to your mother (be firm, not hostile when you do)! your self-esteem should not deteriorate just because she's in declining health...and because she's conservative doesn't mean she's shallow! ask her why she really wants you to get a super short cut. your feelings should matter more to your mom than any neighbor's would, don't you think so?
A difficult question.
I understand those who say that hair grows back but parents don't, but there is another very valid viewpoint.
You are giving up a lot to look after your mum. why should you also give up your individuality? It is well known that a lot of women who like long haired men are from the older generation, so the response from the oldies might be a lot more positive than your mother thinks.
I'd say to your mother that you would like to keep your hair as it is for three months and assess the reaction to it. I bet by that time, some will have liked it, and those that don't will have a) become used to it and b) realised that 'despite' your hair, you're not a bad person.
Just my feeling - in the end, you'll have to do what you feel is right.
whatever you do, don't get a mullet. What are you thinking?
Hi. I'm sorry you're in such a dilemma. If I was the one in your situation, here's what I'd do: I might find a way to make my hair more 'conservative'. Neater, less wild, and give it a more 'clean cut' look but most likely I won't go so far as cut my hair. It's a mighty nice thing you're doing for your mother, but I don't think it's healthy for you to cut your hair if you do love it as you say. I know that even if I willingly cut my hair for somebody, I'll still miss it every single day. And no, don't get a mullet... Resist the mullet... Good luck.
Love,
Kiat T.
Your hair looks great, and your mother should consider herself fortunate to have a son who will take care of her - if the worst thing you do is have long hair, her neighbors at the condo will be immensely jealous of the fact that she has such a caring child. I'm sure their children have done far worse things. Your mother may initially complain about your hair, but I'm sure she'll eventually see that it's better to have you there with your hair as it is than not to have you there at all. I hope all goes well.
Yes, it is really a great group of guys. Welcome.
Mother or not, sounds like she has a bit of a problem thinking more about what others "might" think than letting you have the freedom you deserve to be your own individual. "Wild Man?" Hardly.
Looks Terrific!
True, she IS your mother.........but why does she have to be "appeased" on something like this? Let's think of it this way........does she feel she has to "appease" you in how she wears her own hair?
Then keep the hair and of course continue love and respect for your mother. If she really loves you, which I feel she does, merely explain to her your liking to have Long Hair. If she balks: I would be in a bit of wonderment as to just how far this TRUE LOVE of her own son extends not to mention her respect of you.
I am sorry her health is not all that good and hope her condition improves. So many parents get ignored by their own Children when getting on in years. And here you are going to be there for her. She is truly blessed to have a son such as yourself. But telling you to cut your hair? No way.
Hi Perplexed:
I also just lost my dad to cancer in December and now my mom is alone in Chicago. I'm growing my hair, too, and my mother has more conservative tastes. Like your mother, mine doesn't make it a federal case, but she does come from an era in which "what others think" is very important. Envisioning myself in your situation, I'd consider how the neighborhood's perceptions of my hair would affect HER. If she were to suffer (socially, internally, etc.), even in a subtle way, as a result of my appearance, I ABSOLUTELY would modify my hairstyle to something considered to be more acceptable within that community. My concern for her well-being would override my own hairstyle preference. You're not going to change the world by leaving your hair as-is if the prevailing culture in Bal Harbour frowns on it. And most importantly, she's your one and only mom, and she won't be around forever.
Go for the mullet type look... will be very cool.
Justin
I'll be if you had your hair slightly evened out, take off the beard (or grow it out a bit more),
dressed in designer clothes & wore sunglasses...
You would look like a film star when walking down any street.
Yes, you have that 'look.'
And how would Mother feel about a ponytail?
Your hair has fantastic waves & color. Tell her
what I told you, and see if she 'goes for it.'
Good Luck and let us know what happens!
Yeah, there's a trace of Robert Redford in his face!
There is something to this idea. My in-laws just couldn't adjust to their son's long hair (my husband) until he joined a rock band. Now they "explain" his hair by telling everyone that he's in a band. While it's disappointing that they can't simply accept personal preferences beyond their own acceptance of stereotypes, we also have to accept that some older folks aren't going to change, and we're not going to change them. This applies to younger folks, too, although I notice it more with older folks.
I admire Perplexed's loyalty to his mom. I also agree with the ponytail idea.
JE
Tie it back. I know it won't all fit but use hair spray/mousse and a shampoo that gets gunk out of your hair.
I know what you mena what about putting your hair in a pony tale and gelling it back so it isent so notisable !!
Good luck
Hope your mum is ok
Dude, please keep your hair, or I'll cry, it looks rad on you!
Those waves look so cool, and you've definately got that wild man look, as many have already said. I totally agree with Luckskind's advice, you could look a million dollars in designer clothes.
You could also try this style out:
Picture from back angle:
http://gollan.pwaresearch.com/hp/hp_jul04_cs2_back_1816_800w.jpg
Picture from Side angle:
http://gollan.pwaresearch.com/hp/hp_jul04_cs2_left_1805_800w.jpg
This will make your hair appear much shorter, and looks out of this world.
I hope Gollan didn't mind me posting his links, they may take some time to load.
It seems you don't know exactly why she doesn't like your long hair. If she is worried that her neighbors would reject her and compel her to move, the issue may be that she lets her neighbors control her by the fear of losing support from her community. Maybe you can talk with her about these issues, just talking may offer support.
I wonder if you can discuss with her the possibility of having her visit you. Although she probably won't travel alone so you may have to go to Florida for her to travel to California with you and then have to travel with her when she returns to Florida. Another alternative to discuss is to go on a vacation and bring her with you. These may be alternatives where she may find that you can still visit and keep your hair long.
I like the idea of tieing your hair into a pony tail as others here suggested. Growing your hair longer so you can tie it back may be the answer. I always keep my waistlength hair long enough to tie into a pony tail; when I tie it back it is less noticeable to those who prefer short hair.
Best wishes
I lived for three years during high school just up A1A from there, at Golden Beach. So yeah, I know the place. As for the kinds of mothers that inhabit the two towns, they aren't that much different. My dad had a friend who lived in Bal Harbour.
Bingo! It took thirty years after I graduated from high school to realize that my mother's behavior toward us kids was driven almost wholly by "what will the neighbors think". She put that concern ahead of "what is good for my children" even when the resulting decisions constituted abuse. I was denied treatment for a severe lifelong medical condition I had because she did not want the neighbors to know I had it. EVERYTHING I was allowed to do or not do was based on "what will the neighbors think".
Your mother now needs your help. As they say on airplanes, put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. Do right by yourself or you will not be able to help others to the fullest of your capability. Do right by your mother by doing what is right for you. Let the neighbors be damned.
Bill
I'd put it back into a pony tail and maybe even start up some conversations with the neighbors about how much you care about your mom and all the things you plan on helping her with. Ask the neighbors for advice. Maybe when they see that you're taking better care of your mom than the neighbors kids are of them, they will offer up some praise to your mom and she won't be so uncomfortable about the neighbors perceptions.
My two cents.
I'm 50 years old, my mother died in 1994, and I have a few ideas for you.
I don't know how you and your mother get along, but I found mine to be accepting of these "imperfections." It was not obvious until I got older just how true this was.
Your mother's request that you cut your hair is perhaps her effort to hold on to her image when she ought to more value those personal relationships that are important to her.
Perhaps she is entering that stage in life where it is difficult for her to accept that she may become more dependent upon you, rather than the other way around.
Maybe it's time for you to have a talk with her about this.
Her community may be a "very exclusive and rich" one as you wrote, but I'll bet you that a lot of those residents' boomer children don't give a crap about their parents. You may believe me when I suggest that however long your hair is, many of her neighbors will be envious that you are willing to help her out in her declining years.
To maximize that envy, simply tell them how much you care about her.
It won't be long until they are telling her themselves just how wonderful and kind you are. Money can do a lot of things, but it cannot purchase a caring son.
I can see from your photo how much you value your hair.
Meanwhile, in your talk with her, you might mention that you were born in a rather private way, and you helping her out is just as private and between the two of you as it was the day you were born. It is not a place for the judgments of others.
Dude,
I know you love your mom, but she, or nobody can or should make you cut your hair. You have to tell her your hair comes with you.
You may have to wear your hair in a ponytail.
I know it may be hard, but you are a grown man and should not be made to get a haircut by nobody. If she loves you, she will accept it and not care what others think.Your moms your mom and I know you love her, but dont cut your hair if you dont want to.
Eddie
