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I am trying to let my hair grow out but my wife keeps pressing me to get it cut. What can I do/say to convince her that I should let it grow? My hair is healthy and in all respects looks better longer but she can only seem to think that long hair on guys is too feminine and unprofessional. She has asked me to get an appointment within the next two weeks and I don't know what to do. If I don't get it cut I am afraid that it will result in an argument and I really don't want that to happen. Any advice?
Jaime,
It is your hair, and your body. No one has the right to tell you what to do with either.
If you are worried about not doing things that she asks resulting in an argument you may have problems with your relationship that no one here on this board can resolve.
I cut three inches off my beard because my ex hated it, and refused to sign a loan for me until I cut it. I regret it to this day. In the end, my partner is gone and my beard is almost 6".
Stand your ground, if you really want long hair, then grow it.
Steve
You are right about it being my hair but I am just trying to avoid a big confrontation while seeking ways to get her to see that long hair on guys isn't a bad thing and that it actually can look good. Any suggestions?
Sigh. If it were only a matter of rights and winning, it would be so
easy. But you've told us that you love her and you value your
marriage. So it requires work. So what else is new?
Sounds like she has some fears about what people will think of her if
she has a husband with hair that they would consider feminine. Now
there are a lot of assumptions in that, but remember that she doesn't
*choose* to have those fears. They come from things she learned long
before she met you. Maybe she can change the way she feels and maybe
she can't. If she can't, then you need to choose between your hair
and your marriage. To me, that's a no-brainer.
But is there anything that can be done? First, you can't convince her
yourself that you look ok. She knows you feel that way. She's
worried about her father (or brother or some other strong male figure
in her life). There are two things that would help right now.
First, she needs some outside assurance that having a long-haired
husband isn't weird. It needs to be someone she trusts. The person
who does her hair might be a good first choice. Or one of her
girlfriends. This is tricky because they might have the same fears as
your wife. But you can't control this. Don't even try.
Second, you both need to talk about your feelings. I know that sounds
corny but if she's giving you ultimatums, she is feeling desparate.
And it requires a third party. You can't do it by yourselves. You
need someone who is experienced in helping couples resolve issues.
Your marriage is not on the rocks but you're at an impass. Get
outside help. And, again, it has to be someone that *she* chooses.
(Trust me, I've been there.) Talk to your minister. He or she might
have a lead. Or your family doctor.
But remember, you can't change her. You can't change anyone, even
yourself most of the time. So if she can't shake the fears of what
people will think about her when she is around you, then you need to
make a decision. And it's not about winning and losing. Since you
love her, you don't want her to be fearful. It's as simple as that.
But, please, don't cut your hair until you've exhausted all of your
options. You know you'll regret it if you do. And if things go well,
you won't have to.
>>She has asked me to get an appointment within the next two weeks and I don't know what to do. If I don't get it cut I am afraid that it will result in an argument and I really don't want that to happen.>>
Sounds to me like you have no choice in the matter, she is obviously wearing the pants, and keeps your gonads in a jar that she hides in the closet. So, go get a haircut...
Kilgore
She doesn't have my gonads in a jar but I love her and I don't want to fight all of the time about something as simple as hair. I am just looking for ways to get her to see that long hair on a guy isn't bad and would actually look good.
I doubt if you'll change her mind, Jamie. It depends how impiortant
your marriage is to you. It always involves *give* and take. That's
why I'm still single. I don't take what's not mine, but I don't *give*
enough either. If you want to save your marriage, you'll have to give
on the hair.
OM
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Not enough information to really tell if this is a marriage threatening situation or not, but any healthy relationship between two people involves compromise, and a sincere effort to put the other person first.
Have you and your wife really discussed your motivations for growing your hair, and her actual concerns (not necessarily the "long hair on men is effeminate")? Sounds like you both need more information from the other partner, in order to reach a meaningful understanding.
In my situation, my wife states that she does not like my long hair (9 months since last haircut), but we have talked about her concerns about how it might affect my job (doesn't, at least not yet), and my motivation (I like it, its' my head, and I've always wanted to grow it, etc). She is currently accepting.
HOWEVER - if at some point it came down to a real choice between my long hair and my marriage, or my long hair and my ability to support my family in the way I should, then the choice for me is obvious. I would cut my hair. But it would be my choice.
We have discussed this and she has compromised a tiny bit. She is still giving me grief about it though. I think that since my hair is really nice and healthy is why she has the feminine thing attached to it. That and the fact that right now it is almost a bob which she sees as a girls style. She also worries about my job I think but I work with wonderful people and she has been to many company functions and knows most of them and no one at work has ever said anything about my hair so that should be a moot point right now. I do agree that if it came down to something like family welfare or somethng then I would cut it but I really want longer hair. I am running out of ideas. I thought about making a deal with her. She has colored her hair for years (not b/c of grey) and i thought that if I told her if she stopped coloring her hair that I would get mine cut but I don't know if that is a good way to go. Ideas?
>>She also worries about my job I think but I work with wonderful people and she has been to many company functions and knows most of them and no one at work has ever said anything about my hair so that should be a moot point right now...
Jamie,
Maybe you might be interrested in knowing that I have passed throught that stage nor so long ago. I work in a very conservative area and, of course, the fact that I had let my hairs grow since almost a year now, rise a few objections from my "close-minde" boss. I managed to secure my position by looking for allied in the place and soon discover that most where perfectly at ease with my longer and longer hairs. The boss is kind of alone in his position now so he kind of gave up on that.
Now, I do not wear them loose (like I prefer) but attached them in a neat thight pony tail. Every time I swing my head, I feel it and this is making me very proud of my little victory.
Since then, I have started 6 weeks ago to take some specialy formulated natural vitamins to help the health and growth of them and I am pleased to mesure a good one inche growth per months.
For now, I hav no intention to cut them for a while...
Don't give up if this is important for you - it is YOUR life...
Jean
>>She has asked me to get an appointment within the next two weeks and I don't know what to do. If I don't get it cut I am afraid that it will result in an argument and I really don't want that to happen. Any advice?<<
You have no choice, it is ether her or you that will end up being frustrated...
It goes the same if she would like to adopt a hair style that you wouldn't like. Would she agree to wear her hairs in a way she doesn't like because it would please you? I remember the day that my wife decided to cut her beautiful waist length long hairs. I had no choice to accept it because it was her hairs and her decision.
Now it is my turn to have a hair style that is not her first choice (I have a 10 inches pony tail now), but she got use to it like I did for her.
Talking about pony tail. Wouldn't be an interresting compromise that would let you have long hairs and still be able to have a neat look. There are so many men now with pony tail.
Don't give up if this is what you want. No one will bring you closer to your desire than yourself.
Good luck.
Jean
Jean has some good points. I'm in a 23 year relationship, and we learned about 22 years ago that we couldn't solve problems by voting on them. We got lots of 1-to-1 ties. Instead, we learned to solve disputes by sitting down and talking about which one of us the decision means the most to. And when it comes to something on one of our bodies, the guy whose body it is on, wins hands down. Your wife will only have to look at your hair part of the time. It will be on your body 24/7. Your hair will be a factor with every social contact you have; as for your wife, it will only be a factor for the social contacts she has with one person, you.
Among longhairs we talk about "the two week rule" - don't cut any hair unless you've been sure for two straight weeks without wavering once, that that is what you want to do. This is to protect us from making spur of the moment decisions that we may regret when we realize the effect will show on us for months, or years. Making an appointment within the next two weeks, when you are not sure, is not the "two weeks" we are talking about. You don't pick up the phone to make the appointment, dude, until after your two weeks of continuous certainty have passed.
Remember, if you waver in your thought during the two week period, the clock starts over. So you don't know when to make the appointment, anyway. Or whether you will be making one at all. You obviously aren't now certain, so if you've already made the appointment, cancel the sucker. You can always make it later, if that should be your decision at that time.
And as for any whining about her having to wait longer for your decision, remind her that if you cut it and change your mind, you will be waiting two years to get your hair back. So she can wait a few weeks for your decision.
First of all, I find it hard to believe that one's partner could demand that s/he consider changing their individualist style to the point of deteriorating a relationship - and I have been married for 25 years. Neither she nor I demand we maintain a specific style that the other prefers. We may comment that we like or don't like it, but that's the end of the story.
Secondly, Jaimie, you seem to have been questioning your feminine bob style for quite some time on this and other boards. Has your partner not been living with this look for some time, or is she simply tired of it? Maybe a little variation would help in this case. But in any case, you need to decide what you want and simply go for it in the end.
As for Bill's 2 week rule below, I find myself living by it! Thanks Bill for reminding me of it - have been in conflict this week after the rains and humidity hit San Francisco and it started springing out all over! When it gets to the point I do not think I can put up with long hair any longer, I put myself into the 2 week mode and it works! - If I absolutely need to do something, I'll go to the salon only for an end trim and evening up or maybe a clear colour gloss as incentive or a little reward to keep it growing.
That reminds me of the 15-day (two week) period to think it over before getting a handgun! Sort of a "cooling-off" period about haircuts!
What if you DON'T waver in your two-week period this time after the clock starts over? Then that means that you changed your mind and go on with the appointment.
Think it over for TWO weeks to save TWO years of hair!
you think more of you hair than me. that I chose my hair over her.
It was on about shoulder length. I finally gave in & cut it and guess
what she still didnt like it. I was supposed to do what she wanted,
but she was supposed to do what she wanted. We ended up getting a
divorce after 35 years. So if you cut it it will probably the same thing.
>>I finally gave in & cut it and guess
That is and interresting message as it is pointing that we all should do things for us as when we do it for the other it can easely make expectations that can lead to bitter deception.
Thanks for sharing that.
Jean
Hi Jamie,
It sounds like you're in a rather difficult situation. I guess it depends on what background exists in your relationship. There have been arguments that if you love your wife, you'll cut your hair, and arguments that if she loves you, she'd let you keep it. What does hair have to do with true love? My parents married under all of the wrong circumstances, and waited 25 years to break it off. It was the little nuances... like hair, that steadily drove the wedge in between them.
Maybe if you told your wife why growing your hair is important to you, she might truly understand. How long have you been growing your hair in relation to how long have you known her? If she suddenly woke up tomorrow and told you she wanted you to change your skin color, would you have surgery to do that?
Perhaps I don't know anything about marriage- I'm 22, and I'm looking for someone who will be my equal. Most of all, I don't want to make the same mistake my parents made.
There are lots of guys in movies and in the real world with long hair, so she knows what it looks like. So, what else can you say to her about what it will look like on you, unless she gives you a chance to grow it?
My wife didn't like my hair growing out either, but now that's mid-back (and I still make $$) she finally admitted she likes it -- kind of.
So maybe your wife just is afraid of the change? Or that you'll lose your job? Or that growing your hair is really your way of changing, and she's afraid of change? Maybe you can talk to her more. But I don't see what good it does for her to say you have "two weeks" -- what's the hurry? Is she going to get a divorce in two weeks if you don't cut it? Are there other things she does this for, other than your hair?
I am not sure of her foremost concern but she has expressed concern about my job if I had long hair but she has been to many company functions and knows the nice people that I work with so the job really isn't an isue and I think that she uses that to mask other concerns. She also worries way to much about what other people think where as I really don't care myself what others think. She is conservative and I think that she is afraid of change and starying from the norm. The 2 weeks thing is because of Thanksgiving coming up and we will be with family which she worries what they think and how they react. We have tried talking and she has compromised a tiny bit but she still throws out innuendos (sp)all of the time. I thought about making a deal with her because she dyes her hair and has for several years just to change the color (not b/c of grey) that if she stopped coloring her hair that I would cut mine but I don't know if that is a good way to go. WHat do you think?
Sounds like a lose-lose proposition to me!
A big part of being married it helping each other to grow and learn. So, my suggestion is that you set a good example by NOT asking her to make any changes to her appearance. If you are asking for her to respect your appearance, then you should not ask her to change hers against her wishes. (Besides, what you want is long hair, not short hair -- you'll BOTH be unhappy if you each choose to do something that you don't want to do.)
And why does she care what the family thinks of you? All she has to do is shrug her shoulders and say, "Yeah, he could use a haircut" and move onto the next subject. Besides, will they even care?
I agree with Bill and Domino.
Making such a "compromise" will leave both of you frustrated and with a feeling of being hard done by.
If you DO decide to "give in" it should be out of your heart because you really feel that it is right.
Hope this helps.
This sounds like a toughie. Did you discuss your desire for long hair with her before you started to grow yours out? My guess is that this desire was your little secret until your hair became more and more uncut... it was determined that you 'needed a haircut' at which point you revealed your plan to her. It sounds like you aren't married to someone who particularly likes long hair on men. You might have had better luck had you told her when you still had shorter hair and made her part of your growing out process. You would have likely still gotten some flak about it, but you would have given her time to get used to the notion that your appearance was going to change. At this point, your best hope is that the issue is the upcoming holiday and that she'll relent if you hold your ground. However, if she puts the marriage on the line, then your solution is out of all our hands... only YOU can decide which is more important, your hair or your wife.
Reminds me of the following exchange on FidoNet:
Ken Zwaschka: "Yup. This is all pretty subjective. What one employer considers mandatory, another will consider offensive. My feeling is that if you do it your way, and if the employer doesn't like it, you will probably identify other things with which you disagree... and I would rather find out before I go to work there and burn all the other bridges."
Ken Zwaschka: "I have had a beard since I was 19 years old. I used to shave it off, if I felt I could more easily get a job. About 18 years ago, I decided that if an employer didn't like my beard, they would have other things they didn't like in the long run, anyway. I stopped shaving, and lo! I had a much better string of good, satisfying jobs, with bosses and co-workers I liked."
Dave Aronson: "Gee, maybe I should grow my hair long again!"
Re: Help. I don't want a haircut!
Re: Help. I don't want a haircut!
Re: Help. I don't want a haircut!
Re: Help. I don't want a haircut!
Speak of the devil.... B-)
Jamie - I have experienced the same reaction from my wife of 16 years. I made the mistake of not letting her know how important my long hair would be to me, or that my plan was to grow it long. She felt left out and I guess she really was. My hair was about 8" long in the back,past my chin in the front and jaw bone lenth on the sides. Well, we had a big argument bottem line is I cut my hair but am real resentfull about it. So I've decided to talk to her and at least get her to understand my desire and that I want her support. Not that she needs to like my long hair but to love me enough to try and understand me and not hassel me about it. - I'm not sure how old you are but even us old grandpas (I'm 58) havn't solved all the issues of how to communicate. Talk it through with her. Good luck and le us know what happens! TJ
Jamie, I see by your other posts that you say style is an issue with your wife too. Why would one person tell another person what to do?
Quite simply to control them.
She may be jealous of the reactions of other women. Since I grew my hair long (to the top of my bottom) women reach out an touch it or play with it all the time, some ask, some don't. Some ask to braid it, some just walk up and start braiding it. In a reflection, I caught one lady fondling it behind by back as we hugged. I'm 55 years old so they aren't after me sexually. The long hair on a man seems to be the attraction.
Talk to her about her own fears of loosing you if other women are attracted to your long hair. If she blows you off, she's probably lying. Why does one person lie to another? To control them.
Good luck, and don't forget the benefits of marriage counseling, a great investment. You're fiddling with the tip of a very large iceberg.....
I appreciate all of the feedback from everyone. I have decided to get a trim (not too much off) and shape it up a little for the holiday season. My hair grows at a pretty good clip so it won't take too long to get back the length. Once I am back I think that I will institute a planned scenario to 1) introduce my wife to more pictures of long hairs, 2) show her that our friends aren't going to freak if my hair is in a bob by wearing it down in their presence instead of feathering it back as I do most of the time, and 3) push the point that I like it and to me it looks good. How does that sound. I would still appreciate any input from all of you on this plan of action.
Hi,
I have a bobstyle too. But, I told my wife who doesn't like my hair either, that if she won't wear her hair the way I like for her to wear it, she has no right to expect me to respect her wishes. I tell her there's the door if she doesn't like what I do. There are plenty of other gals in this world who would just love to be with me. I don't control easily.
Jim
Jim,
I think that is the way that I am going now. She has already started the process of pressuring me to get a cut and I just went to the salon about three or four weeks ago. Do you think that I should just let it grow into the bob length that I want and see what happens? Also, do you have any pictures that you could send me? It would help me to convince her that I am not the only guy with a bob.