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My dads new wife of 4 months has really short hair. My dad had been dating her for a couple of years and she didnt seem to mind my dads longhair. His hair was thick and full for his age of 40 and it was down to his butt and he has a full neatly kept beard. I'm 16 and my hair is down to my miod back. My step mom had hair down to her mid to lower back and she was almost thru with her beautician school and when she finally graduated about 5 months before she married my dad, she and her best friend who graduated with her, day after graduation, they both cut their long hair to really short hair.
She said she wanted to go back to short hair and that graduating beauty school was the symbol of her losing her long hair.
Before cutting her hair and half way thru their dating, she kept telling him that she was going to cut her hair and mentioning to him that he should try short hair and asked him several times if he would ever cut his hair. My dad kept telling her no, he probably never would. When they got married their wedding picture looked unusual, as it hangs on the wall in our living room and litle pictures in other parts of the house, my dad is pictured with his long hair in his tux and she with very short hair in her dress.
well, to get to the point, before and even after they married, my step mom and her friend have been after my dad to cut his hair, because she said she thinks he would look better with short hair and recently I found out she actually likes men with short hair. So two weeks ago after having long hair for 20 years, my dad cut his hair. I came home one afternoon and my stepmom had cut his hair into a butch hairstyle. After all this time she finally convicned him to cut. I was shocked, shocked to see a totally different dad than I had only known my entire life always having different length long hair, but never shorter than above the shoulders. He says he is cool with it, but he still sometimes says he misses it and that Beth, my stepmom convinced him not to go back to longhair again.
She is now encouraging me to cut my hair too. Still being a minor, she keeps mentioning I have no say so in the matter and that as long as I am living under their roof, I have no power. My dad is getting used to his short hair and has also told me to try it. She convinced him to cut but I dont want to cut. In fact, I'm still recovering from seeing my dad with short hair and sad because he had nice full longhair. He dedicated a lot of time to it for maintenance as I do and Beth thought it took too much time from his life. She also shaved his beard off and he has stayed clean shaven since. My dad is now changing in his ways towards me and he now is wanting me to cut my hair too, but he is not pressuring me like Beth is. Since she is a hairdresser/barber, she has easier access to cut my hair.
What should I do. Can I insist and stand my ground and avoid getting my hair cut. I'm just hoping my dad does not become like her and makes me do it.
I had also at least thought they would have saved his hair, but she thru it away.
I dont want to cut my hair and I am sorry my dad cut his.
Andy.
Stand your ground on this one, my friend. I'll be 40 next year, and I still have my parents and my girlfriend chasing me with the scissors. I stopped listening to others about my hair on the day I quit drinking, nearly 10 years ago.
Your parents may have most of the say in your household, but to dictate something that is physically attached to you is not their right. Tell them it is better to have a long haired son than one who festoons his clothes with swastikas.
I wish you luck. Don't sell out.
Whoa ! are you channelling my brain ? I could've written that sentence myself (change the 10 to a 5 though)!
Funny how two apparently unrelated things - hair and alcohol - can turn out to be so intertwined.
My apologies if you find this an intrusive question, but are you a 12-Step guy ? I understand if you don't want to answer.
Picture Purged
I don't find this intrusive at all. My life is essentially an open book. Believe it or not, I quit drinking on my own. My belief was and is that one has to proverbially 'hit bottom' before he makes a life change. At that time, I had lost all my friends, was 100 lbs overweight, and cutting my hair to please others. Since the first day I quit, I did a 180 degree turnaround on every aspect of my life.
Don't get me wrong, 12 Steps works for others. My hair length vs. taking a drink is a personal covenant. If for any reason I 'take a drink' again, I will shave my head. In any event, you can rest assured that my hair will hit my feet before I'm 50. :)
I sympathise. Don't give in. She is not your mother. If she says that you have no rights as a minor, the flip side of the that is that she has no authority either, only your father does. She would be well advised not to push the situation. Does she really want to have to ask your father to tell you to do anything before you will do it? If your father wants to get his hair cut for her, that's his business. He married her, you didn't.
Picture Purged
Kudos! I could not have said it better myself!
Very sorry to hear of all this Andy. The Woman is definately out to "control." This is very bad news, and most likely since your Dad "did as she said" so soon in this marriage, things are only going to get worse. (My opinion only based upon what you have written.)
If at all possible DON'T CAVE IN TO HER DICTATIONS. You will be letting her deprive you of your own individuality. This will be very bad for you in the long run.
Is she worth letting the freedom of your life be ruined? True, you are living under the same roof. But does she own it or your Dad? A Step Mother ISN'T the same as Blood Related. Her "power" is NOT the same as your Dads. Perhaps talk with your Father and tell him of your feelings about her harassment of "how" you should wear your hair. You may be in an abusive situation. You don't have to take this.
Good luck to you with dealing with a personality such as this. She sounds like an "ALL LOSE SITUATION." Give her an inch, and she will take 100 miles!
It never ceases to astonish me the extent to which some people want to and believe they can control other people's lives. To answer your question directly, DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR UNLESS YOU WANT TO ! (in my opinion only).
Here's my amateur psychiatrist bit - for what it's worth !Leaving aside the control issue, I also think your step-mother regrets cutting her own hair and can't face her husband and you still having what she wants, so she has to destroy it. You often see fat people buying cream cakes for other people - if they can't be thin themselves, they don't want anyone else to be either. The sub-conscious mind games that people play.....
So, Andy, you've got a couple of things going on here. First, and you must recognize this, you are dealing with the grief of losing something, and I'm not talking about your dad's hair. When someone joins your family, even if that is totally positive, everyone's position and way of relating in the family changes, and that is just very difficult.
The other thing, and more to your hair concern, is that your stepmother is not respecting your integrity. If she went through and graduated beauty school, then she at least heard talk about respecting her clients wishes. The next time she gets on the "you have no rights in this house" kick, you might tell her, calmly, that you would appreciate at least being treated like a client where she respected what you wanted to do with your own body. Remind her that hair is a part of your body, and that to force you to cut your hair is a violation of your body.
What kind of beautician (not to mention parent!) violates the body of someone?
I'd save all that for last resort. First, I'd get my dad alone, and ask him to help you. Tell him that you are happy for him in his new marriage, but let him know that you feel threatened by the situation and you need his support for your hair. Get him to promise that you and you alone will be the only one to decide about your hair, and get him to communicate this to his wife. If he does, don't flaunt it in her face. Just be glad you got it.
Robert
Hi Andy
Firstly, I would try the diplomatic approach.
Try reasoning with your step mom, tell her that you like your hair long, and you won't cut it. Ask to please not make it an issue in your relationship.
You could even ask her why she want you to cut your hair... she probably has some whacked out preconceived false ideas about men with long hair, which if your smart you can poo poo on the spot.
I'd also speak to your Dad and ask for his support. It sounds to me like your dad cut his hair for the sake of a quiet life and he would like you to do the same, just talk to him man to man about it.
I'd take the line: "Look Dad, I don't want to cause trouble with Beth, but I don't want to cut my hair either... I know you did for a quiet life, but I like my hair and its important to me. I don't know why Beth has taken issue with it but she has, I need your support otherwise I'm gonna get into a row with her and things are gonna go sour around here."
OK you don't have to go verbatum here but you get the jist.
Second, if that fails... try the Angry Teen Approach with your step mom:
"You've made my Dad cut his hair, but you won't make, he may have sucummed to your manipulative nature for a quite life but I won't!"
Kick up such a goddam fuss and be so rebelious that you make them think its better to leave you alone for the sake of quite life.
Finally just flat refuse to get a haircut.
Honestly what are most reasonable parents going to do if their son refuses to get a haircut? Nag... thats about it... you won't get dragged to the barbershop, you won't get grounded, especially if your Dad was a longhair for 20 years himself, he probably encountered similar objections to long hair at some point.
Remember your Dad is your ally here... he only cut his hair because he wanted a quite life... that was his main reason I'm sure... if forcing you to get a haircut is going to equal: hassle... he'll be more inclined to support what he percieves to be the "quite life" option. All you have to do to keep your hair is convince your Dad that if your step mom persists in trying to make you get a haircut then he will not get a "quite life".
He obviously thought a quite family life was better than keeping his hair, for me this suggests that if he thinks forcing you to get a haircut will irreprebly damage your relationship with your step mom then he'll side with you... just for the sake of a quite life.
Does my logic hold up here?
Sorted
A very sensible approach - normally those coming into a family such as this woman are best advised not to try stamping about rather to blend in and leave other famil members to get on with their lives.
I know that this goes against the diplomatic approach outlined by Sorted, and is perhaps childish, but I'd be pretty p-ssed off if someone who wasn't a blood relative gave me the 'under my roof' schtick. Hell, I'd even warn that person to stay away from my hair or I'd take serious action.
Wrong, maybe, but that's how I'd feel.
But as for actual advice, just don't do it. For the sake of a couple more years before you 'become' an adult, you'll be throwing away even more years' worth of growth. And think of your length in those next 2 years. You have such a great headstart, don't throw it all away.
Matt
This isn't diplomatic, but If I was in your shoes, I would warn her to stay away from me for her own good! It would probably take me all the strength I could muster to stop myself going ape sh*t on her. Just give her the two finger salute, dude! She is not your family, she is a control freak with a chip on her shoulder.
Talk to your Dad sincerely about your hair, no laughing, stick with your guns (not literally mind) and tell him very firmly that you love your hair, it is you, girls find you very handsome with your hair, that you will press charges against her if she forcefully tried to cut your hair.
She has no authority over you, so don't you dare give into her demands, DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR! Ask her to at least treat her like one of her clients and respect your wishes of long hair.
All the best
All of this is very good advice. Your stepmom really has no right to rule over you - she does not have any claim whatsoever on you. Even though you are a minor, she is not your family and therefore cannot force you to do anything.
Do speak to your dad. The way you describe him, he sounds like an understanding sort of guy.
Yes. If you bow to the pressure and cut your hair, you will be unhappy because it was not your decision.
Be strong.
Huey
Or is it Eddie?
The post was designed to elicit sympathy and you have mine, not for the dilemma described of course.
Elizabeth
Who is Eddie? I'm Andy and I think you are delusional. I dont want sympathy, I just want advice and feedback.
Not necessarily his computer, just the same IP address.
Some address pools are dynamic, ie: you get assigned a different address everytime you connect to the internet. This is common if you use Dial-up Access, or DSL via modem or Cable.
This test is normally a good means of identification if a) You know the IP address pool in question is been allocated as STATIC (not-changing) by the ISP (Use the ARIN WHOIS to find info) or if there has been very little time-lag between posts.
Sorted
the fact that "Andy" responded to Elizabeth as he did not only enhances that suspicion in my mind but also leads me to believe that the Andy-Eddie posts may be spoofs.
Thanx to all your responses. I will talk to my dad and see how he can help me. Hopefully I can convince my stepmom to leave me alone and not bother me about my hair. I will let you know how it goes. Any other feedback is appreciated.
Thanx.
Andy.
No offense dude, but your dad is seriously whipped and you have the classic, fairy-tale "wicked stepmother". She should have stayed the hell away from your dad if she didn't like longhair on men. She seems to be a control freak, at least in this case. Is she dictator-like on other aspects of the household?
I didn't see a mention of your bio-mom in your post. Is she still living, or otherwise around? If so, is living with her or another relative an option for you?
Definitely talk to your dad about this. While you're at it, try to do a little "deprogramming", if you will, to undo the damage your stepmom has done and to sway him to your side on this issue. Hold out as long as you can; it may be difficult, but don't cut your hair. Rarely are worthwhile things easily achieved, after all.
Men, take some advice. NEVER allow your wife/girlfriend/partner/whatever to dictate your personal appearance, because THAT'S HOW IT STARTS. They will then move on to other aspects of your life, and try to manipulate and control those, too. The people who behave in such a manner are dissatified with themselves, and rather than try to improve their own (perceived) inadequacies, they take on a "project guy". Don't be a sucker for that. Also, be wary of potential employers who try to get you to cut your hair. Love and respect yourself, and you will attract the right people.
It's so true... I've seen it so many times. Give an inch, they take a mile and think they can tell you to do all sorts of things. Mostly this experience is from my mother - she did this all my life. Dressing me like a girl when I was young, wearing pink and lilac and turquoise...
I was 14 before I realised! And she didn't take too well to my change. that was when I first grew my hair... I still had a side-shade when I was 14!!! (That's considered quite... gay looking [no offense intended] over here). I looked like a little mummy's boy, and I guess I kinda was.
Thankfully my girlfriend is very suppportive of everything I do - she offers advice and gives her opinion on anything I ask about, but never would she tell me what to do. I don't take very well to orders - my instictive reaction is to refuse any orders.
But yes, women will try to change you... I love the quote, "Women spend the first part of their lives searching for the perfect man. Then when they find him, they spend the rest of their lives trying to change him."
Anyway... just make sure you don't fall into that trap - I hate sounding sexist but women can be very manipulative (not all of them are like this!) and there is a line between suggesting you do something and making you do it.
Anyway, as usual I've lost myself in a flurry of prattle... hope some of it made sense.
wolfeyes
Whatever you do don't get your hair cut if she's pressuring you
