new thread
I am almost 45 years of age, and started growing my hair long again since I was in my teens and early twenties. A close friend asked me if I was going through a mid-life crisis because of my long hair. It started me thinking about what *is* the reality of it all. I have only had opposite sex partners all my life, and have had gay men and women as just friends. My long hair is having a profound effect on the way I feel about myself, and having friends and neighbors seeing me with such a radical change. At first I didn't think it would ever be a big deal, and now that my hair is really getting long, I am more self conscious of my appearance than I thought I would be. When I think about the feelings I am having now with my long hair, and then looking for reasons for these feelings, I will say "oh sure," it's because I like the way it looks, or the way it feels, or my wife likes it. Then I was sitting at a friends house in front of a big wall mirror, and was wearing my hair down (wow, it is really getting long) and decided to put it in a pony tail. As I was watching myself with this process, it was really like seeing that same familiar process that a woman does. Then I wondered that if what I was doing was in some way acting or being feminine. If not then what? Am I androgynous or bisexual? Are all human beings bisexual? Is it bad, or did someone at some time decide that it was improper for a man to feel his feminine side and even act on it without being labeled as some kind of aberration or deviant of society. I really do love my long hair, and I'm having a lot of intense emotional feelings about it. I want to feel I have dignity and that my choice in entering this elective minority, (long hair) is okay and good for me. I am glad to have a longhair hyperboard to share these feelings. I really don't want to end up cutting it. I saw the movie "Ma Vie En Rose," and really felt sad for the people who where so closed minded that they wouldn't let a person, in this case a 7 year old boy, discover his true feelings as they really are, and support and love him as he is. I think everyone throughout life continues to come to new realizations about how they identify with themselves. People just need to be supported and loved. Sorry, this is so long winded.
Well, I'm 56 and haven't cut my hair for 4 years. I find short hair is very unattractive for older men, a young face can look handsome even with short hair, but we older guys need all the help we can get!
Usually I wear it in a ponytail, but if the office or whereever I am gets too cold, I untie it and wear it loose for warmth. I don't think anything of doing this in front of people anymore than putting on or taking off a jacket.
Want to know what really seems odd to me? Guys who every few weeks go into a shop where another man meticulously trims his hair close to his scalp. Let's face it, this is really bizarre behaviour! Men getting preened and pampored by other men! It's just that so many people do it that we are accustomed to it.
Enjoy your long hair!
Pete
Thank you for your response. I especially liked what you said about men getting "preened." It was funny for me as I have two parrots that preen each other all the time. Anyway, I am getting used to having my long hair more and more. When I first started to grow my hair long, I read John's story, and during my "bad hair phase," I have always worn barrettes to hold back my side hair. I guess I figured that if I have long hair anyway, wearing barrettes isn't going to make any difference. So far my dad has not said a word about it to me, a friends 79 year old dad said to me that there was an old VW van with flowers painted all over it, and parked in some neighborhood. He then said how much of an eyesore it was, and that it "wrecked" the entire neighborhood. Then I asked him why he was telling me this. He said if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Gee, what an indirect way to spit in my face because of my long hair. The first thing my only sister said was yuck. When I was able to have it tied back in a pony tail, the next time I saw her, she said, well, like that it looks good. My mom doesn't seem to care one way or another. I really have only one good friend who has very long hair. I really would like to meet more men with long hair as friends, and when I see a man with long hair, I am not exactly sure on what to say in order to meet him. I don't want him to think that I am looking for anything more than wanting to be friends and share some experiences, especially, of course dealing with long hair. Luckily, my wife absolutely loves my long hair as well as I do.
Jazbrd
I be 55 years old with hair down to my burro. Started growing it out in 94 after a lifetime of GI hair and corporate hair. I love it.
Today at work (crisis counselor at an urgent care center) a married nurse asked to braid it. That's a treat. I let her and she fixed the top of the braid with a Snoopy tie that she'd brought for the occasion
I remember the joy of sitting in the mouth of a cave on top of Mingus Mountain (AZ) looking over the Verde Valley while a lady brushed my hair. Felt soooo nurturing.
I had one bald grandfather and one grandfather with a full head of white hair. I can't wait for my hair to turn as white as his was, just wondering how weird it will look when it begins to turn.
I can't imagine ever cutting it again. Too cool.
Don't know about the gay stuff. Each to their own. I've worked with sex offenders and found that folks are pretty much born gay or straight or pedophiles. Various special interests may be gathered along the way but no one seems to have found a way to make a straight man become gay, a gay man become straight, or a pedophile develop an interest in adults. They can fake it, but the core is solid.
You may just be appreciating the same thing about yourself that a gay man would - your masculinity. Arnold Swartzenegger said it well in his old book Pumping Iron, "When a homosexual looks at a bodybuilder I don't have anything against that. I would probably stare the same way if Raquel Welch or Briggite Bardot walked by. If I see a girl with big t its, I'm going to stare and stare. And I'm going to think in my mind what I'm going to do with her if i would have her. The same is true with the homosexual - he's looking at the body builder and pictureing what he would do with him. You have to face it if you have a good body, and it is somehow a compliment to the bodybuilder. Sometimes girls are attracted to your body, sometimes homosexuals are attracted to your body."
It's actually better to just say that humans are humans, and when you come down to it we are very vain little animals. If you check, you will find that in most civilizations men have meticulously cared for themselves... try looking up my people Native Americans, Japanese, Chinese, Europeans up till the early 1800s... the men in those societies cared (rightly so) very much about their appearance and took great pains to look their best. I guess maybe somewhere around the factory age it became 'improper' for a man to take care to improve his appearance. If so, it's a historical trend some of us rightly reject, even us militant heteros.
MJ
hey I know how you feel........I am 46 and been growing my hair for over 3 years my hair has never been this long in my life and the outher day when I went out i had my hair down and got a look at myself in a mirror anfd I was surprized how long it is and how it looked ...it looked like a women from the back i never saw it like that before and I was wondering if it is too much for a guy my age I realy like my long hair but is there a limit to how long I should grow it I dont know.............
...it looked like a women from the back i never saw it like that before and I was wondering if it is too much for a guy my age I realy like my long hair but is there a limit to how long I should grow it I dont know.............
I believe either you are doing it or your not! You are a "Longhair" or your not. Sounds like seeing how close you can get to the edge of the cliff with out falling off. Maybe when you get to the edge of the supposed cliff, you may find it so enlightening, that you decide not to stand there anymore, and instead take a giant leap, finding that it really is a way to "soar," even if it is only a few inches down, and that you as a human being with your long-beautiful hair are okay...
It's not feminine at all, dude. It's what every human with long hair does. Pushing your hair out of your face with your fingers is another maneuver you have to do in public that at first strikes some longhairs as feminine. Both sexes are blessed with long hair; it is only because more women than men keep their hair that you've seen more women than men do these things. And that has led to your misconception.
The solution with this, as with any other things with your new long hair that trouble you, is to watch other longhaired men in public to see how they take care of these same situations. When you see your longhair friends and other longhairs do these same things, some of them very big macho bearded longhairs, you'll come to view these moves as being "longhair behavior" rather than "female behavior" and your concerns will soon fade away.
Greetings Bill,
Thank you for your response. I wasn't sure if I was going to post this or not because of the controversy in discussing feelings pertaining to "feeling feminine." Or at least on this hyperboard. You are right. I don't need to be labeled as being or acting feminine. I guess there is this feeling I have, that from this trip that was laid on me, about how men "don't do girly things," and that I *need* to look and act masculine. Handsome instead of pretty. Do you believe there is both "masculine and feminine" energy that exists in all of us? Is it okay to be pretty as a man, and/or allow the soft and gentle *feminine* energy to flow and be present, without worrying about being disliked for it. I guess it is something I will adjust to in time. I don't see myself, as being labeled or classified as masculine, feminine, gay or straight. As MJ said, I am simply "human." I cannot connect my sexual preferences to how I feel about myself and behave as a "person." Because I may act or feel things in life that have (in this day and age) been the kinds of things that society has concluded only women can act or feel, does not *label* me a "fairy." I do not use this word as my own view of the label "gay." Only as it seems unenlightened people would say. I believe that it is very important for me to be emotionally centered and in balance. I am doing my best to deal with the emotional stuff, and YES, I really do like my beautiful long hair. I also believe we as humans can *see* or *label* ourselves as anything we want to, and it is an illusion. For me, I know I want to be liked and accepted. So now I realize I want to be exactly who I am without having to explain, label or justify it, and feel comfortable in society. Thank you again for your support.
What we classify as "masculine" or "feminine" is not an issue of stark contrasts (black v. white, hot v. cold), but rather a broad spectrum of behaviors that, at the extremes, can be one or the other, but in the very big space in between, have both dimensions present.
For example, I like many people, like to read something while going to the bathroom. That usually entails sitting down. Sometimes, I sit down and read something when all I have to do is pee. Does that make the behavior "feminine"? Of course not. This was, of course, a silly example, but it supports Bill's point. While men and women have obvious differences, we also have similarities, and we deal with those similarities in very similar ways.
Point well taken. I hope the folks that have a problem with "Long Hair" men hear this! By the way, do you ever sit down just to pee? I mean no offense by asking this, it just seems that the "reading" part nullifies the profundity of the situation as it is a modifier giving a reason for it. Again, I am with you on what you have to say. I am/was feeling or sensing an emotional response within myself to my newly chosen desire to grow long hair, because of the crap I was taught as a child, and the idea that others my be thinking weird things about me. I don't care about them anymore, as I know I wouldn't want to associate with those kinds of people anyway. I also don't want to ever have to deal with any physical aggression (hatred) either.
Yes, some of the behavior that comes with having long hair seems "feminine," but, as Bill said, it's 'cause we're not so used to seeing men do it. I do feel a bit odd when I tuck the loose strands back into my ponytail and pat them in place. And I quickly picked up the "head-toss" to get hair out of my face - I just try not to think about how that looks. :)
I'm not sure having an emotional attachment to your long hair is "feminine," though. A couple of times in the past, when I've let my hair grow and had it cut, I felt as if I'd lost some very important *masculine* part of myself. I hate to equate the feeling with castration anxiety, although that did come to mind. I also thought of the story of Samson, who lost his strength when his long hair was cut off.
Hair is produced from your body just like a beard, or chest (or shoulder or back :) hair. Why is the top of the head the only place on the body where hair is not considered "masculine"? Consider the lion - only the male has a thick, flowing mane!
I believe Samson lost his strength because he was upset at the loss
of his hair. When I'm upset in the sense of depressed, I quite
literally *feel* weaker, and when I do anything with my limbs in
such a situation, I have muscle pains - maybe a lactic acid response.
OM
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I just try not to think about how that looks. :)
I appreciate your responding, and I really don't suppress my feelings or want to hide them. I think my real issue here is simply desiring to be myself, and feeling that I am in a *safe* environment whereas I do not need to dress, appear, or act in a suppressed, fictitious manner in order to not disrupt the *un-enlightened* sector. With me, my belief in the adage that, "what ever doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger," and used as an analogy here, points out that I will be myself, (with my long hair) because it is my truth, and the more I deal with discrimination (again, from the *un-enlightened sector), will only make me have a stronger appreciation of my being genuine as a human being. Therefore, I will keep my hair growing longer and longer. I also won't deliberately go walking around small-town mid-America (at this time) looking to prove this appreciation. Western California works for me, for now.
>>I saw the movie "Ma Vie En Rose," and really felt sad for the people who where so closed minded that they wouldn't let a person, in this case a 7 year old boy, discover his true feelings as they really are, and support and love him as he is. I think everyone throughout life continues to come to new realizations about how they identify with themselves. People just need to be supported and loved.<<
This movie is indeed very well made and represent a reality that is so often misunderstood. When I say that movie, I cried because it was showing a reality that is mine an that I have hide for most of my life.
Being a transgender person myself, I know how it is hard to live with the society reaction to what is simply a matter of personal behaviour. Even in this board, I've notice that there are people that aren't at ease with that because of certain reactions to all of what could make a men look a bit feminine. What is the problem here – after all no one care about a women that adopt certain "masculine" behaviour. I think that the men education is the main cause for not being able to stand for what isn't "standard". Being "girlish" isn't that terrible and doesn't affect any one dignity.
Never the less, growing hairs long despite the society reaction need a lot of strength and this is why I feel "at home" here because, despite my transgenderism and because I need to earn my living, I have to live as a "men-with-long-hairs" and the eventual consequences. This is very interesting to see that we aren't alone in this quest for the long hairs freedom via this board and it is important to support each other in our common quest.
Keep on letting them grows and we may one day enjoy a larger freedom and more acceptation for it.
Claire
Claire-that is untrue, females most definitely DO recieve pressure not to be 'masculine' in any way. Remember though that masculinity and femininity AREN'T REAL! Those concepts are social constructs designed to promote conformity and make it easier for people to deal with one another by creating a code by which most people judge other people.
I couldn't agree more. Whether you are gay, straight, bi or transgendered-let it grow!!! Men with long hair are beautiful and this board is a beautiful thing!!!
Love ya!
Wren